I recently received a very grave -no pun intended- warning from Survivor Miles who I believe may be located in or near Texas. Survivor Miles recently survived a vicious zombie attack, armed with only his wits and hedge clippers. His parents unfortunately were not so lucky.
For those of you who don’t know, SOS and The Monstrometer game is a site run for free by me and sometimes my friend Graham and a whole lot of helpful volunteers like you who pitch in when you can with true stories and advice and sometimes even to help make another set of videos like the 13 werewolf videos coming soon-ish, The Lupine Life of Louis Pine.
So in honor of all of you and your awesome stories and helpful tips to me and each another, I am finally implementing an awesome suggestion that came from the cyborg p5t5r and the gone-but-never-forgotten werewolf Ashpaw. Finally A Survivor of the Month prize and front-page profile.
New Survivor of the Month Prize and Profile
It goes like this. On every full moon, one of the helpiest survivor of that month will receive a little prize in their email – a ten dollars (US) iTunes gift card number that you can redeem at the iTunes store in your country, AND I will try to summarize your story as accurately as I can on the front page to cut through some of the confusion that results from the fact that Graham is so lazy he is still working on your changes to the site. It’s just a little prize but I only make 12.00/hr at Pizza dela Muerto and besides it will come with a lot of big thanks for helping us all survive in 2012. I’ve asked Scarly to help pick the Survivor of the Month because she already got a prize on One Million day so she’s not eligible. Maybe Graham will help her pick.
Anyway, it’ll be hard to pick just one because there are so many but hopefully over time we’ll be able to get all of you with a little thank you. You may not realize this, but part of the reason this site doesn’t change the way it functions very much very fast is because nobody wants to lose a any of the vital survival information written here by you and so Graham is always trying to find a way to make the changes without losing anything but since there’s always new stuff, he’s always behind.
So thanks for keeping on keeping on whenever you can and look for the first Survivor of the Month on the Wind Moon in March! I hope it’s not a leprechaun…
The 100% true and historically accurate story of the history of Valentine’s Day and how it really started out as the first lupine holiday, known as Lupercalia.
Coming soon. Ish. As soon as I find a pic. And some time. So keep on keeping on for Valentine’s Day!
News from New Zealand this week. A supergiant shrimp-like creature emerged from the deepest part of the ocean for the first time ever, apparently on a mission to study the human honker. I caught up with him at the University of Aberdeen.
“YO NEVER CALL ME A F#$ING SHRIMP,” he yelled at me. “I’M A F#ING SUPERGIANT. DIDN’T YOU GET THE PRESS RELEASE?”
Supergiant amphipod reminds humanity NEVER CALL ME SHRIMP.
This nosy amphipod is one of five or six supergiants who hitched a ride on a camera rig intended to photograph deep sea snail fish for a team of researchers.
“SNAIL FISH – BEH! WHAT GOOD ARE THEY? THEY’RE NOT EVEN SUPER OR GIANT LIKE ME!”
Dr. Alan Jamieson’s initial surprise at discovering the supergiant hitchhikers, was quickly moderated by the generally crusty attitude of his new friend, which quickly began to wear on the team.
“It’s a bit like finding a foot-long cockroach,” he stated shortly before losing the end of his nose in the shrimpy supergiant’s mandible.
“YA WE SEE WHO’S THE MF%^&ING COCKROACH NOW YOU GOT NO NOSE ON YOUR FACE WHO THE SHRIMP NOW B###CH!”
I recently received an email from friend to the site and survivors everywhere, Mr. Mutt, in which he alerted me about a very important event. See this excerpt from the email below:
At 18:37 Jan. 27 there was a massive explosion on the suns surface. This produced a lovely aurora borealis for all to enjoy but it also produced this writeting in the polar ice caps:
Nos exuret tu ater dracones, signatum, solis dracones.
Translated it means “we will burn you black dragons, signed, the dragons of the sun.
In Greek mythology two of these dragons pulled the chariot of Medea an infamous anti-survivalist. It appears that they have decided that 2012 is going to be the year of the sun dragons. They’ve already proved their disregaurd for human life by sending the solar flare with it’s dangerous radiation towards earth, however it appears no one informed them we have an electromagnetic field that keeps most dangerous radiation out of the atmosphere.
So what does this mean? Will there be a dragon civil war? Is this what the Myans knew was comeing? How will this affect the stock market?
Mutt Out.
Solar Dragon emerging from the surface of the Sun
Very important information indeed and excellent questions. Does this presage the end of the world as we know it as foretold by the Mayans? Will this spell havoc for Facebook’s long anticipated IPO? Does this mean that I should stock up on sunscreen?
Share your thoughts in the comments section and keep on keeping on.
Seth
P.S. Thanks to Mr. Mutt for sending this in and alerting us all to this important news. If you have supernatural survival related news or information be sure to send it in!
Friends of the site and survivors everywhere, Pauzzis97, has just raised a very interesting point, can having braces on your teeth prevent a werewolf from transforming? Are braces a tool used by worried parents to prevent kids from wolfing out?
Her question really got me thinking and it occurred to me that I don’t know the answer to that one. So I am putting it out to all of you. Please vote in the poll below with your answer and I’ll put the result into the next update of The Monstrometer. If you have additional information or comments then please leave a comment in the comment section below.
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While I was thinking about this I realized that Louis Pine has braces. Could that be the reason he didn’t transform? Take a look at the video and let me know what you think. In the meantime I am going to be looking for a werewolf orthodontist to ask.
As many of you know, I recently went on location to interview a suspected genetic werewolf in his werewolf containment facility or crib.
Like many suspected werewolves, Louis Pine was puzzled about his lycanthropy status after failing to transform under the full moon. He wrote into SOS asking for advice and many of you responded with helpy werewolf hints and tips.
So when he invited me to help him document his lupine life, what could I say? He even had his own camera. I could not refuse. I set my GPS and hit the road.
I travelled to meet Louis this summer in his crib and well – *SPOILER ALERT* – I survive. I can’t say the same for anyone else.
Also if anyone knows the current WERE-abouts of the survivor known as “Louis,” please contact the site ASAP. He’s been MIA for several months now and lots of people are really worried about him.
Graham is helping me finish Louis’ videos to show on the site. Until then here’s part of my interview with Louis Pine, suspected werewolf:
Zombies are a significant threat to survival and so you need the best information possible to keep on keeping yourself un-undead. So below I present to you a valuable zombie survival tool, the Seth On Survival Zombie Month episodes. Each episode is only about 4 minutes long but is packed with valuable zombie survival information so do yourself a favour and have a look.
Disturbing Survivor emails this week contained a terrifying photo (below) along with a desperate plea for help:
“Seth I recently found this photo in an old box that was sent to me by a stranger on my birthday. Do you think it has anything to do with my real mom? What is going on? Please help – JD.”
Is this old baby photo evidence of a ghostly or demonic curse?
I wrote back to JD asking for more info and she wrote me back as follows:
“I am adopted. About a year ago, I put a notice on this website that hooks up adopted kids with their birth parents. My parents only knew her first name, “Lucy,” so I knew it was a long shot. Then on my birthday I got this strange present in the mail-this photo, wrapped in a very old-fashioned box. I don’t know what it means. There was no note, no card, nobody signed it. What does it mean?”
Of course I implored “JD” to show this photo to her adoptive parents immediately and together they could decide what to do. She wrote back.
“Seth when I showed the photo to my adoptive mom SHE FREAKED OUT! She wanted to burn it. She tried to take it from me I had to run out of the house and hide it. Now I’m really freaked out. Can you ask people what does it mean?”
Black Dragons rule in 2012 Year of the Water Dragon
Well it’s official. The Year of the Dragon begins today and Black Dragons around the world are waking up and slinking from their secret caves to claim the year.
How will you prepare for twelve months of high Draconian drama?
Recall dragon kind or so-called “Draconians” are born roughly every twelve years and every batch gets their own special element and color. 2012 being the year of the water dragon, whose team color is black, Black Dragons everywhere are rising to the occasion and the rumbling is being felt around the world.
This is not necessarily a bad thing. Dragons in general can be great leaders when they use their powers of fluency, fire and flight for the good of the others. Which they often do, especially when they are young.
But sometimes as the years wear on and the transformation toll begins to add up, older dragons can become disgruntled Draconians, obsessed only with treasure and sleeping away the last hundred years of their lives.
But no dragon can sleep through its year. Starting today, they slink blinking from their caves to greet the new dragons and claim the year. So how will you survive?
Well first step, as always, is to determine you might be dealing with a dragon. If you don’t have The Monstrometer, look for other telltale signs including:
* Loquacious and lightning speed communication, often with unknown and/or unseen parties and often making demands for things ie: limos, pizzas, video game controls, black M & Ms, world domination etc.
* Hot, sooty-smelling breath. (WARNING: never tell a draconian he or she has hot, sooty breath. They get very offended.)
* A tendency toward iridescent dark clothing. They choose this to hide any black scales that might cling to their clothing in human form.
* Love of treasure in general and black pearls in particular. They will probably possess a black pearl object to give as a gift to one of the newborn Black Dragons.
* Dragon tattoo
* Extremely sleepy.
If you determine you might be dealing with a Black Dragon, your second step Draconian defense is as simple as a good box of breath mints or gum made with nitrogen, a natural fire extinguisher.
Look for products containing a high level of GUM ARABIC which is scientifically proven to increase fire-extinguishing nitrogen levels in the digestive tract. Then be generous. Offer the Draconian two or three or even four pieces. Not only will the gum slow their speech, the nitrogen in the gum will (temporarily) extinguish their firey dragon breath.
After the gum, step three is deceptively simple Y*A*W*N. Yes, a big fat contagious yawn. If you’ve ever tried this in a group, you know that it works. Mere seconds after you launch a big, stretchy yawn, everyone in your airspace starts heading for bed. The Draconian, supernaturally sleepy to begin with, will be helpless against your snooze ooze, she starts yawning and dreaming of sleep. In fact, many Draconians can’t even read the word “yawn” without letting loose and nodding off for fifty years or so.
Salem Witches Friday the 13th Service Lifts Curse and Brings Victory
Forget cheerleaders! With the Patriots decisive victory over the Broncos today, smart NFL teams are scrambling to get witches on their side after a group of Salem witches succeed in defeating a decades-old curse.
A group of witches in Salem Massachusetts held a Friday the 13th circle in support of quarterback Tom Brady of the New England Patriots to try and lift a curse and help him be victorious over the Denver Broncos.
Today it appears their efforts to lift his curse may have succeeded as Brady threw for 363 yards and six touchdowns, to bring home the victory.
To explain the dread curse that dogged quarterback Tom Brady, it is the so-called “Sports Illustrated Curse.” This curse affects professional athletes at the height of their performance, right before a crucial event or game. If a professional athlete appears on the cover of the magazine Sports Illustrated right before the big game, something terrible is expected to happen.
The curse goes back to the 1950s when third-baseman Eddie Mathews, the first person to appear on the cover of Sports Illustrated broke his left hand in the first game following his appearance on the cover. This broken hand also broke his nine-game winning streak for the Atlanta Braves.
The curse is said to have been responsible for the injuries and near-death accidents of many other great athletes throughout history, from skiers to figure skaters, basketball and football players.
So what does this mean for the historic curse? Is it officially lifted for everybody? Or just Tom Brady? I am trying now to contact the Sorceresses involved, lead by Sorceress Lorelei Stathopoulos the Fabulous, of Crow Haven Corner.
And who placed the curse in the fist place? Forensic supernatural survivologists who have tried to trace the origin of the curse, suggest that Eddie Mathews picture on the cover of Sports Illustrated may have been used in a dark circle ceremony by a supporter of a rival team who forgot to snip off the title of the magazine before proceeding.
I recently received the following disturbing email from long time friend to the site and survivors everywhere, Zyboragon.
The contents of his email are below:
Dear Seth,
I was talking to my good friend Terry (the zombie) and he mentioned a new kind of berry that mimicked the flavor of a human brain. I asked to see one of these berries.
The berry can only be grown rotten, the rot helps mimic the appearance of roasted flesh, something that zombies enjoy quite vividly. In a taste test hosted by Terry, 9/10 zombies agree that the berry actually tastes better than real brains!
While this berry produces good news on the zombie front, it has angered many cannibals.
I got to speak with one such cannibal.
Z: Why does the berry offend you?
Cannibal: We eat our own species, it’s tradition! The berry looks like burnt flesh, it’s intolerable! Several cannibals have given up our sacred tradition to try this new berry! We simply cannot allow it to exist.
Z: That sounds like a good thing though.
Cannibal: To you! It makes us look bad when someone quits! Personal image and respect are important to us!
The cannibal then took off shouting “You’ll regret this zombies”!!
Even though cannibals dislike the new berry, many stores are already selling the zombie berry. The public release of this new produce shows zombies have extended a hand to help improve zombie/human relations.
This news is both great and distressing. Early calculations show that this development could reduce human casualties from zombies by as much as 37% but a Cannibal-Zombie War could lead to untold casualties. Further developments will be posted as they develop.
A big thanks to Zyboragon for alerting us. He has definately wracked up quite a few lives saved.
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