Seth On Survival

Supernatural Survival HQ

You are here: Home / Archives for Zombies

Zombies

Grilling Zombies For Your Next Apocalypse

By 2 Comments

New zombie apocalypse cookbook this week says it wants to remind you that just because you’re grilling a squirrel doesn’t mean you should forget about flavour and keep a giant pizza peel handy in case you need an improvised weapon. But is this shambling so-called chef and her gooey grill really making the best of a bad situation? Or contributing to a trend of dangerous indifference to zombie apocalypse hygiene?

I’ve contacted the so-called Ms. Walker for an explanation. Which I don’t expect to ever receive as she clearly no longer possess the ability to speak after ingesting that much ZSE infected material.  IMHO anyway, you be your own judge…

Brains in Your Tomato Sauce? Dangerous Zombie Food Mixup

By 1 Comment

A lunch-making mom in England was horrified to discover brains in her tomato sauce this week.

Are there brains in your tomato sauce?
Are there brains in your tomato sauce?

Horrified mom Julleen Marter – who is neither a zombie nor a cannibal (yet) –  was making lunch for her three kids – none of whom are zombies or cannibals either (yet) –  when she noticed a horrible black ooze in the tomato sauce pouring into the pan.

Closer inspection revealed a 10 cm brain at the bottom of the box of tomato sauce.

Further the brains were not marked as an ingredient on the box.

“I don’t want compensation,” stated the concerned mother. “I just feel that this has become a public health issue.”

Rightly so! It appears the tomato sauce was not properly marked with a “Z” or an “HFZ” designation to designate it as a snack for Zombies or High Functioning Zombie zombies. How, you ask, could any safety-conscious company be stocking their shelves with unmarked zombie food?

When I asked the Lidl corporation this by email this week, they replied simply that all of their products comply with Environmental Health and Trading Standard, so presumably if the EHTS demanded proper labelling of zombie foods, this kind of mix-up would not happen again.

That’s why SOS is urging survivors to help by contacting Environmental Health and Trading Standards this week by email at wrsenquiries(at)worcregservices.gov.uk. You can make it clear that while you are not against the production and distribution of food for High Functioning Zombies, you are nonetheless concerned about the possibility of further mixups without more stringent labelling of zombie vs non-zombie foods.

What should you do if you find brains in your food?
What should you do if you find brains in your food?

Meanwhile, what should you do if you find a brain in your tomato sauce? Or porridge or soup?

What To Do If You Find Brains in Your Food:

1. Have you eaten any of it yet? 

If you haven’t well *whew*. That’s a relief. You can skip to #2.

If you have eaten some? Even a taste? Well things now get complicated. Unfortunately, it’s zombie quarantine time. Can you make yourself throw-up immediately? It might work. But probably not. Get comfortable, call in sick, at least until you know if it’s a fast or slow-acting strain. Time will tell. Use that time to write your final thoughts for your loved ones.

If you don’t have any final thoughts, use that time to form some final thoughts and write those.

If you find you can’t form final thoughts, this is probably a good sign it’s too late for you.

2. Secure the Area

This means clearing the room. Yes the entire kitchen, cafeteria or restaurant. Sure some people will be upset at first but they’ll thank you later. Try reassuring them you’ll make sure that their meals won’t go to waste. That sometimes helps.

3.  Freeze It

Cover the brains immediately with an air-tight cover and freeze it immediately, preferably on dry ice. Why dry ice? It will freeze faster and look a lot cooler when you open the container to show it off later at parties.

4. Call Regulatory Services 

Order an immediate pick up from your local regulatory services. And let us know what happens. Your survival is my survival!

HIGH FUNCTIONING ZOMBIE (HFZ) ALERT

By 16 Comments

With school officially back, hopefully your educational institution of choice has been Zombie Safe Certified by now with certified electric fences and fields, emergency katanas and an up-to-local-municipal-building-codes moat. (Yes MOATS! They’re not just for keeps and holdfasts anymore!)

You may have met one!
High-functioning zombies: you may have met one!

But did you know not all the undead you meet at school will be part of the shambling horde trying to knock down the school gate and eat your math teacher?

It’s true. Some of them might even be your classmates. Zombies? Enrolled in school? How’s that, you ask? Zombies can barely stagger around let along take geography tests!  Which is 100% accurate, when ti comes to regular, run of the mill zombies. Today we’re talking about the so-called “High Functioning Zombies ” or HFZs.

If you’re read my interactive e-book, “Archie Hartigan & The Frost Wolf,” you are probably already aware of the High Functioning Zombies. You have no doubt guessed the character of Pete is based on my ongoing research into the HFZs –>

High Functioning Zombies resemble regular zombies in that they’re undead, have a hunger for human flesh, and generally shamble everywhere. What sets them apart is their brains. While regular zombies lose the personality and intelligence they had in life, High Functioning Zombies totally remember their old lives and retain their humanity, if not their sparkling personality.

In fact, with a good coat of makeup and some industrial deodorant, some HFZ s can totally pass as regular human. Which is why you might find some attending your school, masquerading as regular humans.

So how will you spot them? Let alone distinguish them from your slower-moving, moanier friends?

Well, HFZs are usually a pretty depressed bunch. You would be too if you’d been saddled with a horrific undead existence which includes having to suppress the desire to eat people with foul-tasting gruel for lunch every day, along with a complete inability to heal wounds – which means they definitely can’t sign up for the rugby team. While they might be undead monstrosities, HFZs still have to worry about getting homework in on time, paying bills, and not eating the person next to them.

So if this describes somebody you know, before you break the glass on that emergency weapon, try making friends with a High Functioning Zombie. Needless to say, they need cheering up. And survival isn’t just about crossbows and cool monster-fighting karate moves, it’s also about helping out other beings to be.

And if that’s not a good enough reason for you, consider this. Zombie survivologists are looking into the possibility that High Functioning Zombies or HFZs may actually possess the ability to project brain waves to their lower-functioning kin. A nice skill to have on your side when the hordes shamble into your neighbourhood.

For a more in-depth look at High Functioning Zombies, be sure to pick up Archie Hartigan and the Frost Wolf from the iTunes bookstore for your mobile iDevices, and check in at SethOnSurvival.com for all the latest Survivology tips and tricks! Until next time, survivors, keep on keepin’ on!

Is Your School Zombie Safe Certified?

By 10 Comments

Are you heading back to school today, concerned about the prospect of being trapped in the cafeteria facing a zombie horde, armed only with a stale croissant to use as a throwing star? Not to mention a gruelling timetable that makes virtually everyone around you look exactly like a shambling zombie at 8:00 am?

SOS Report: Is Your School Zombie Safe Certified?
Does your school have this sticker on the doors?
Does your school have this sticker on the front doors and/or windows?

Sure you’ve done your own due diligence, with an excellent personal zombie proofing plan. You’ve probably written and/or at least reviewed your own Zombie Apocalypse Survival checklist.

(Maybe your checklist even looks a bit like this one here from a survivor, 26 Rules for Zombie Survival .)

But how will all your personal apocalyptic preparations help you if your school doesn’t even permit triangular foods, let alone an awesome muon chainsaw or semi-automatic?

That’s exactly why the Zombie Security Agency devised its Zombie Safe Schools program in 2005. Sure wish I thought of that… oh wait. Actually, I did think of it.  Not to brag overmuch BUT I did write a very stirring email to them back in 2005 detailing the need for exactly this program.

Now I don’t want to alarm you but no amount of turning the lights off and hiding under your desk will help you if a roving horde of zombies rolls up to your school during physics or calculus class. Calculus is a particular risk due its taxing effect on the brains of new students. One by one, as students begin to get lost by the lecture, their brains slip from a state of active calculation in which short, choppy Beta and Gama waves predominate, to a state of daydreaming in which the long, day-dreamy Theta and even nappy Delta waves start rolling out. Zombies, as everyone knows, turn your brainwaves into something like smell and to a zombie, day-dreamers are a delicacy. Day-dreaming Theta waves travel longest and strongest, especially when they are amplified several times as the concentration of daydreamers in one place increases in the average calculus of physics classroom. It’s like a brainwave beacon that screams *BRAAAAAAIN BUFFET* to the itinerant zombie hordes.

(It’s no accident that 95% of the most reliable zombie survivologists are former physics majors.)

Now telling your glassy-eyed friends to pay attention is probably futile. I would advise turning your energy to your school administration instead. Ask your principal if this school is Zombie Safe Certified. If the answer is NO, you need to start a movement immediately to demand that your school become compliant.

How do I know if my school is Zombie Safe Certified?

1.  A Zombie Safe certified school uses compliant glass in every window and door. Zombie compliant glass limits the transmission of Theta and Delta brainwaves.

2. Zombie Safe Certified schools use only zombie-proof door technology i.e.: PULL type doors not PUSH doors, with zombie-proof handles that actually require a degree of manual dexterity.

3. Zombie Safe Certified schools do not have escalators, they have old fashioned stairs. If your school claims to be Zombie Safe Certified but there is still a running escalator, chances are good somebody lied to Zombie Security inspector. You need to lobby for this change immediately.

4. Zombie Safe Certified Schools have a ready supply of food, water and blankets on hand, in case of a zombie siege. A zombie horde will move on but it may take a few nights of sleeping in the gymnasium. While not strictly necessary, it is great if your school has a good high-jumper and pole-vaulting program as well. Not only is pole vaulting theoretically an impressive skill for escaping zombie hordes, but those crash mats will give you a good nights rest when your school is under zombie siege.

5. You will find the official Zombie Safe School sticker somewhere in your school, probably on a window or door – see the sticker above. The sticker is issued by a Zombie Security Agency upon inspection of the school. If you don’t see the sticker in your school, please contact your school administration immediately.

And remember, if you haven’t made your own personal survival checklist, better get started. Thanks to my long-ago survivor friend and reporter, Lord’s Dragon for his awesome checklist, 26 Rules for Zombie Survival .

 

 

Spring Thaw Zombie Survival

By Leave a Comment

SPRING THAW ZOMBIE SURVIVAL TIPS!

If you’re a survivor living north of the 46th parallel or planning a trip thereabouts you should know that it’s an especially dangerous time of the year.  

Spring.

Snow Zombie spotted by Austri Mina
Thawing zombie spotted by Austri Mina

While the sun may be shining longer (creating less of a deadly window for vampires and other nocturnal monsters) and the trees may be flowering (some with incredibly useful occult herbs and reagents!) all this nice, warm weather is bringing out more than just dirty hippies playing hacky-sack.

The northern zombie hordes, colloquially known sometimes as “melties” are thawing out.

That’s right, survivors. If you’ve fled north to get away from an encroaching itinerant zombie horde, you’re in for a spring surprise if you live anywhere south of Iqaluit. All those masses of decaying, shambling corpses you so craftily avoided during the winter because they froze solid are now defrosting and are yet again becoming an active threat.

But! Fear not, Northern Survivors! With these simple Zombie Survival Tips you’ll make it through this sunshiney, terrible time of year.

TIP #1: Watch Your Step!

Zombies, just like humans, will lose their balance and fall over when frozen solid. Odds are the zombie won’t be standing up! This means that several embarrassed zombies are probably face down in the mud, hidden by tall grass. They may or may not be able to correct this situation and could remain mired in the muck until August if you don’t disrupt them. So, remember, always watch your step, and if you hear the sound of ice crunching, make sure that there isn’t any zombieflesh under it!

TIP #2: Use Your Nose!

Zombies smell. This is a well-known fact. So keep your nose prepared! If you get the whiff of decay on the air, take that as a signal that there may be heretofore undiscovered ghouls nearby. On a similar note for the later summer months, if you’re in an urban center, make sure to train yourself to know the difference between regular stinking summer-in-the-city garbage smell and the awful, gut-turning smell of the undead. They’re pretty similar.

TIP #3: Pace Yourself!

Zombies are usually slow, but after several months of being frozen, those grossified kneecaps are even more shamble-y! You probably don’t have to run to get away – take your time to remember tip #1 and watch your step while evading recently unthawed zombies!

Of course, these tips only apply to avoiding frozen zombies that have been reanimated via magical or demonic means. If you’ve got a zombie horde that’s been re-animated by some kind of horrifying super-scientific black-ops chemical reagent or trioxin, you probably have nothing to worry about. As the undead flesh constantly freezes during the night and partially thaws during sunny winter days, the water in the zombie’s cells slowly evaporates, making them unable to function even in their undead state.

Essentially, freeze burn sets in and the zombie’s body is slowly destroyed! Good for you! You’ve avoided the undead menace! With science!

Of course, I’ve received unsubstantiated reports that certain extra-governmental agencies such as Area 51 have stepped up their game when it comes to Cold Weather Weaponized Zombie research. It’s possible that if the zombie was artificially able to create “glycoprotein,” a natural anti-freeze, they may be able to remain functional in sub-zero temperatures!

The lesson here survivors, is remain ever vigilant, as always! Don’t make the mistake of Scarheart, who thought he’d find frozen freedom in the Great White North and was never heard from again –

 

Archie Hartigan and the Frost Wolf is now available for iPhone and iPod Touch

By 18 Comments

Archie Hartigan and the Frost Wolf CoverThe day you and I have waited for is finally here. Archie Hartigan and the Frost Wolf is now available for iPhone and iPod Touch (also iPad).

Archie Hartigan and the Frost Wolf is an interactive ebook detailing the adventures of survivor Archie Hartigan.

From Seth On Survival comes a new adventure with video annotation by Supernatural Survivologist Seth Greening!

Archie Hartigan was the foremost authority on Supernatural Suvivology in his hometown, until an encounter with a real-life werewolf turns him into the one thing he hates the most – a monster! As Archie is thrust into a world of ancient secret societies, high-functioning zombies and horrors from beyond the veil of time and space, he learns that just because you’re a monster doesn’t mean you can’t also be a hero.

Here is a link to Archie Hartigan and the Frost Wolf for iPhone and iPod Touch (also works on iPad):

https://itunes.apple.com/book/archie-hartigan-frost-wolf/id640954116

Requirements: This version of Archie Hartigan and the Frost Wolf requires iBooks 1.3.1 or later and iOS 4.3.3 or later. Can only be viewed using iBooks on an iPad, iPhone (3G or later), or iPod touch (2nd generation or later).

You can also get the Archie Hartigan and the Frost Wolf – Special Edition for iPad with extra interactivity.

https://itunes.apple.com/book/archie-hartigan-frost-wolf/id635709884

Requirements: This version can only be viewed using iBooks 3.0 or later on an iPad. iOS 5.1 or later is required.

Archie Hartigan and the Frost Wolf will soon be available on other platforms as well.

AHFW-SS-01