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Black Friday Zombies – Survive the Mallocalypse

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MALLOCALYPSE BFZ SURVIVAL TIPS

Batten the hatches Survivors, it’s Black Friday.  Are you ready for the Mallies?

If not, it’s not too late… yet.  But it will be soon so don’t delay. Review these seasonal BFZ survival tips today! Your Black Friday survival is virtually guaranteed, 99.98%*.

Black Friday Zombies
Black Friday Zombies
  1. Know The Mally

Often referred to as a BFZ or a Mally, the Black Friday Zombie is a unique strain of zombie, characterized by a tendency to move as a single-minded horde. It is this tendency which sets them apart from other zombies.

But Seth, you say, all zombies have a tendency to group, how is this any different? 

The answer is this. While your everyday walker does tend go group, this is normally a function of numbers and random clotting in a given area that inevitably arises from the simple-minded pursuit of fresh brains within a given space.

Mallies, by contrast never moan alone. There is no such thing as a lone Mally – s0 be prepared to face a whole horde.

What makes the BFZ move as one of a mindless horde is still largely unstudied but most scientists suspect the effect of certain seasonal media signals on the virus could be causing otherwise bumbling brain-brunchers to go mad with a single purpose. Understanding this movement can make dealing with a Mally both easier in some ways and harder in others.

2. Bright Lights and Melodious Sound

Not unlike moths at night, the BFZ or Mally is uniquely prone to patterns of light and sound. This tendency gives rise to many myths about zombies in general but use this to your advantage today by equipping a lightweight, LED weapon and a noise making device like a bell or kazoo to lure the horde to an strategic location.

Note on bagpipes: Only work on Scottish BFZs.

3. Strategic Location

Obviously I don’t have to remind you to know your local mall here and to work with the geography you have. Luckily most malls have a water attraction or similar art installation that can at least provide you with a height advantage over the advancing horde. Wade to the middle of that fountain and/or climb up on the reindeer’s back. If the Christmas tree is up already, consider climbing that. Just make sure it has a secure base first.

4. Boxes Buy Time

Another particular quirk of the BFZ – boxes. Like leprechauns with a shoe or a cat with a ball of catnip, the BFZ is easily distracted by a simple box.  It won’t stop them forever but a well-aimed spray of empty boxes at a BFZ horde should distract them long enough for you to make a clean getaway.

Of course if you don’t have a humane box cannon, or an ornate Christmas display at your mall you will have to equip these yourself. Shoe boxes in particular are very effective if unwieldy. Smaller, more colourful boxes are more practical both for equipping and aiming but are admittedly more expensive. Of course if you’ve staked out the mall tree or Santa’s sleigh as your home base, you may find a cache of ready ammo ready for you. Not to mention that sleigh may in fact be mobile and you could ride it right out the door.

That’s all for today Survivors. Keep on keeping on in this dark holiday season and be sure to do your Christmas zombie review before it’s too late.

Seth

Can Zombies Fly? Zombie Zappers Clear Undead Forces For Takeoff

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Air force approves zombie pilots for flight using controversial zombie cure

Meet the military force expanding its ranks using a controversial zombie treatment technology known as trans-cranial direct current stimulation (tDCS) and the groaners on both sides.

Even if you’re not a zombie (yet!)  you’ve probably heard about this controversial “zombie cure.”

Experiments with tDCS on zombies
Zombie zappers Experiments with tDCS

Maybe you’ve even used a zombie zapper yourself following a close call with an infected walker. Haven’t we all at least once? 

Whether you ordered a portable kit online or made your own device like me using some wire, a couple washers and a nine volt battery – you probably blamed the bald spots and hairnet on your new job at the local Fried Foodlike Fingers joint.

And if it worked, the electric shocks delivered to your cranium may have saved your consciousness long enough to force a retreat of the zombie pathogens – if you weren’t too far gone already that is.

But I, unlike many less truthful supernatural survivologists who would sell you their signature devices, would never call tDCS a “zombie cure.” At best, Z-zap tech is a lifelong treatment that requires reapplication at consistent intervals. Sure, maybe you can manage your condition with a portable unit – until the day you forget to charge your batteries or shave the side of your head.

But even with strict adherence to protocol, the constant headaches and nausea could make you pull the plug and go full zombie just for some relief.

Considerations like these, however, have never stopped the world’s militaries experimenting with tDCS to recruit zombies into their ranks. The allure of a giant army of shamblers hooked up to one centrally controlled current has occurred by now to any military force with two nickels to rub together. Zombies are still much cheaper than cyborgs and robots or humans after all, making them ideal ground forces fodder.

Only now though has anyone wanted zombies to fly. The sheer number of decisions required to keep a plane in the air was considered too complicated, even for a new Stage Oner still able to pass all acuity tests.

Now those days are over! Thanks to a series of successful air force experiments at the Wright-Patterson Air Force Base, near Dayton, Ohio, zombie soldiers are now clear for take off.

A move being hailed with groans from the ground all around.

“Ggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeaaeeeeeeeaat nooooeeews,” said one zombie soldier when he heard the news and who indicated his intention to apply to the Top Gun program immediately.

Groans too from human, Bernhard Sehm, a cognitive neurologist at the Max-Planck Institute concerned about tDCS and the military. Sehm says online here that the real-world scenarios and complex demands of combat should not involve the use of zombie zappers.

“The enhancement of one specific ability might result in deterioration of another,” he says. “To use non-invasive brain stimulation in soldiers poses a risk both to the person receiving and to other persons who might be harmed by his actions.”

Not to mention the expense of drool-proofing the cockpits, he added off the record.

Black Friday Zombies – Survive the Mallocalypse

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TOP 3 BFZ SURVIVAL TIPS

Batten the hatches Survivors, it’s Black Friday. Are you ready for the Mallocalypse?

If you haven’t barricaded yourself in the basement with some leftover bird, take a minute to review your Black Friday Zombie (BFZ) survival skills. Remember these three tips today and in the seasonal shopping crush to come survivors, and your Black Friday survival is virtually guaranteed, 99.98%.

Black Friday Zombies
Black Friday Zombies

Often referred to as a BFZ or a Mally, the Black Friday Zombie is a unique strain of zombie, characterized by a tendency to move as a single-minded horde. It is this tendency which sets them apart from other zombies.

Now I know all zombies have a tendency to group but this is normally a function of numbers and random clotting that can arise from the simple-minded pursuit of fresh brains within a given space.

What makes the BFZ move as one of a mindless horde is still largely unstudied but most scientists suspect the effect of certain seasonal media signals on the virus could be causing otherwise bumbling brain-brunchers to go mad with a single purpose. Understanding this movement can make dealing with a Mally both easier in some ways and harder in others.

1. Bright Lights and Melodious Sound

Not unlike moths at night, the BFZ is uniquely prone to patterns of light and sound. This tendency gives rise to many myths about zombies in general but use this to your advantage today by equipping a lightweight, LED weapon and a noise making device like a bell or kazoo to lure the horde to an strategic location.

Note on bagpipes: Only work on Scottish BFZs.

2. Strategic Location

Obviously I don’t have to remind you to know your local mall here and to work with the geography you have. Luckily most malls have a water attraction or similar art installation that can at least provide you with a height advantage over the advancing horde. Wade to the middle of that fountain and/or climb up on the reindeer’s back. If the Christmas tree is up already, consider climbing that. Just make sure it has a secure base first.

3. Buy Time With Boxes

Another particular quirk of the BFZ – boxes. Like leprechauns with a shoe or a cat with a ball of catnip, the BFZ is easily distracted by a simple box.  It won’t stop them forever but a well-aimed spray of empty boxes at a BFZ horde should distract them long enough for you to make a clean getaway.

Of course if you don’t have a humane box cannon, or an ornate Christmas display at your mall you will have to equip these yourself. Shoe boxes in particular are very effective if unwieldy. Smaller, more colourful boxes are more practical both for equipping and aiming but are admittedly more expensive. Of course if you’ve staked out the mall tree or Santa’s sleigh as your home base, you may find a cache of ready ammo ready for you. Not to mention that sleigh may in fact be mobile and you could ride it right out the door.

That’s all for today Survivors. Keep on keeping on in this dark holiday season and be sure to do your Christmas zombie review before it’s too late.

Seth

Night in a Zombie Fortification Cabin

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Are you hoping to survival the seasonal onslaught of zombies, and zombie hunters this Halloween by escaping to a fortified remote cabin?ZFC-1

If so then you, like me, have probably been saving up for materials to build your own. But if you, unlike me, happen to have more than $86.55 in spare change owing in part to riot gear repairs and a recent refund on your survival guarantee,  you could look no further than the new (ish) ZFC-1, pictured here.

Now Tiger Log cabins is not the first company to advertise a zombie proof dwelling for sale with a 10 year guarantee. I wrote about another one here on the site waaaaay back in 2012… but they may be the first company selling one complete with solar panels, water cannon and flame thrower(s) in addition to the plasma TV, workout room and Xbox…

Against my better judgement, I recently tested out a ZFC-1.

Why against my better judgement? For starters, I went all-out PS way back in 2008. Plus, the guy on the phone says there is no room for a Katana collection. And I don’t generally work out. So what would I ever want with one of these?

Not to mention, any valid test of this product would obviously necessitate spending a night in a zombie infested region – not my favourite thing to do under the best of conditions and right now I’m really behind on the site. But at a survivor’s request, I recently agreed to spend one night in one, only to help you can assess whether or not to invest.

My first attempt night started out on a massive groan when a herd of zombies surrounded our delivery truck, making it immediately apparent to me that this is maybe not the best emergency measure for mid-zombie invasion preparation. How were we going to get this thing assembled and me into it, without casualties?

Worse, when I asked the truck driver this question from the back of the truck, he had only one suggestion which he proceeded to implement with extreme prejudice — he unhitched the trailer and drove away. With a quick call to tigerlogcabins, the service agent directed me to the fine print of my contract – installation not included! Now you tell me…

So with night falling and the sound of bony hands clawing at the aluminum siding of the trailer I dug out my swiss army knife and their handy 500-step instruction manual. Things were going pretty good until my flashlight app died and…

Article pre-empted by technical difficulties… please keep on keeping on..

Another Zompire Grave Found by Polish Vampire Archaeologists

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Another zompire grave discovered in Poland by a vampire archaeologist this week proves Poland was zompire ground zero, even while raising the possibility of a fresh zompire outbreak in that country.

SOS warning, the information contained in this report may be disturbing to both vampires and zombies. Read on at your discretion. And please remember, I’m just the messenger… no shooting. Or biting.

A zompire grave uncovered in Poland this week.
A zompire grave uncovered in Poland this week.

Vampire archaeologist Slawomir Gorka led the expedition to uncover a suspected vampire grave in the small town of Kamien Pomorski only to find more evidence for the existence of the dread Polish zompires as far back as the 15th Century.

Polish vampire graves have been puzzling supernatural researchers since the 1950s when they were first discovered.

Survivors know it’s not unusual to find the remains of a suspected vampire staked and buried with a stone on the mouth. Vampire graves like this have been discovered around the world.

But the Polish vampire graves show an extra level of caution was taken with these suspected supernatural beings. Specifically, the suspected supernatural was also decapitated and the teeth removed entirely before a stone was put in the mouth and the whole head placed beside the knees. A clear case of overkill for a vampire burial – but just right for a suspected zompire.

In other words, Poland may have been Mecca for the world’s very first zompires.

Polish vampire professor Titus Hjelm explained to CNN that Polish vampires lived entirely normal lives – until their deaths.

“Vampires were born, rather than ‘made”,” he says. “They were normal people who could live normal lives, not aristocrats living in distant castles. The problems only started when these people died.”

Without a proper burial, these genetic vampires were known to rise from the dead with a hunger for human flesh just like a zombie, but with one exception. The first flesh they would eat to start their new unlife appears to have been their own.

“They are known for eating their own flesh and even burial garments when they rise from the dead,” says Titus Hjelm.

Does this explain explain the stone placed in the mouth of the skeleton whose teeth have already been removed and the placement of the dead vampire’s head beside the knees?

“Such a placement of the head ensured the dead would not be able to ‘reach it’ and put it back on his neck,” suggests zompire archaelogist Kamil Kajikowski.

Also very telling is the placement of the stake. Archaeologists note that Polish vampires are invariably staked through the thigh and not the heart at all like other vampires. Just another sign the Polish people knew they were not dealing with a simple vampire burial but rather someone wanting to go walking.

When will we know the truth about the Polish vampires and how they went zombie in the middle ages?

Soon, if the vampire archaeologists of Poland have anything to say about the matter.

“So far they remain unknown,” says the head of that archaeology department Leszek Gardela. “It is high time to change this.”

We will have to keep on keeping on to find out. Meanwhile, let’s hope these vampire archaeologists are well trained to handle zompire remains and it won’t go missing like that Bulgarian vampire skeleton. Anyone with a theory or a lead on the matter is invited to report.

Is Poland zompire ground zero?
Is Poland zompire ground zero?

Doorknob Danger Zombies Celebrate City’s Daft Design Diktat

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Zombies and grizzly bears of the west coast celebrate a major accessibility victory in Vancouver, Canada as a new design law banning doorknobs takes effect in that city, putting an end to old-fashioned turny knobs in favour of easy push-type lever handles.

Zombies celebrate accessibility victory.
Zombies celebrate accessibility victory.

“Finally an end to the debilitating dexterity-ism that me and my Z people have faced for centuries,” stated Zombie Actors Guild president Gnargh Jonnsson. “No longer will we walkers be forced to pile up, one on top of each other until the full force of our combined rotting flesh heap can crash through the structural integrity of a wall just to take out a library book or go shopping at the mall. We walk tall now knowing that we will no longer be segregated by something as superficial as wrist abduction and adduction. No, we will walk through those doors as proud individuals, the equal of any other ambulatory being.”

Or course, the world of zombieology is an-ooze today with speculation about how this change will affect West Coast zombie behaviour in the near future.

“The implications of this seemingly small design change will be profound. As the West Coast zombies no longer need to work together en masse to gain entry to secure public buildings, will they loose the horde instinct? My feeling is yes, yes they will,” stated acclaimed zombie-ologoist Dr. Maxwelle Brookes zMD. ”

Hearing this opinion by the venerable doctor of zombie-ology himself, some zombies have already begun to lament the change.

“This mean no more zombie pile? No more foot bone in skull? No more play Whose Hand Is This Anyway? Awwwwwwrrrrrgggg,” stated one disgruntled Stage Three-er.  “How I meet squishy lady zombie now?”

Grizzly bears, whose lack of opposable thumbs has been their only real impediment to obtaining access to cars, restaurants and even yoga studios in that city, have long advocated for a no-thumbs needed law like this one.

The ban on doorknobs was enacted by city council and takes effect this spring.