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Zombie Actors Guild Hails Cornell Research

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“Humans see a new study and go all goo brain,”

-Gnargh Johnson, Zombie Actors Guild.

New statistical simulations done by Cornell University concludes humanity would be “largely doomed,” in the event of a full-scale zombie outbreak and offers the advice to get your zombie on fast or slow, by either a) heading to the Rocky mountains to see the very final stages or b) shamble downtown for a quick trip to your impending zombiehood.

But President of the Zombie Actors Guild Gnargh Johnson hopes humanity will take a very different message from these conclusions.

“Once again you humans see a study, and go all goo brained while missing the real point.

Head for the hills to be the last human!
Head for the hills to be the last human!

“What this study really shows is that if  zombies like me really wanted to take out humanity, if we really wanted to destroy humanity… we would have done it by now!?”

“All we really want is some basic undead human rights. Like a decent dental plan.Is that too much to ask for in exchange for all the great films and TV we help you humans make?” added Gnargh before hanging up on me and reminding me that my dues are overdue.

Have to admit – Gnargh makes a good point  here but a closer look at the Cornell study reveals some serious flaws in their parameters and zombie categories. You can have a look at their research here and decide for yourself.

Or join me in San Antonio, Texas on March 5 when the Cornell University researchers will present their full findings on the zombie apocalypse to the 2015 American Physical Society.

Zombie Apocalypse Training Camp

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(SOS/ASAP/WTF) A new training facility in British Columbia, Canada offers apocalypse training for both zombies and humans. But how long can this creepy camp play both sides of the apocalyptic fence?

An SOS 99.98% true story in progress….

Zombie Combat Zone offers training for both zombies & humans

The camp, called Zombie Combat Zone, is 57 acres of forest in Surrey, BC Canada alive with undead Zombies who come there to practice fighting humans.

Meanwhile, humans in groups of 8 to 12 pay to try their aim fighting the zombies with special paintballs.

It’s a kind of human-zombie Hunger Games except that nobody is supposed to die. Or die again.

Still the jury is out. Good unclean fun? Or dangerous zombie-sploitation gig? I’m trying to contact the Zombie Actors Guild for comment and will update this article soon.

New Jersey Zombie, Demon or Alien?

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(SOS/ASAP/WTF) Sunday, May 27th Hackensack, New Jersey: Just one day after the terrifying zombie/cannibal case in Miami, this terrifying report from supernatural reporter & survivor Mr. Mutt:

A baffling case of self-mutilation is leaving people wondering: Zombie, Demon or Alien? You be the judge.

Police were called to the home of a Mr. Wayne Carter after a neighbor reported seeing Mr. Carter cutting himself. When police tried to stop Mr. Carter he began to slash at them and throw parts of his intestines at them.

*WARNING THIS ARTICLE CONTAINS DISTURBING FACTS* It does not get better from here. Proceed to read at your own discretion. SOS assumes no responsibility for any gory nightmares or loss of appetite induced from continuing to read. 

Another disturbing zombie junkie incident?

The police naturally thought this to be strange, and most survivalist experts agree this seems to be supernatural. However none of them can agree on what Mr. Carter is.

Here’s the facts:

-While there are insolated cases of zombies throwing ribs at their victims, throwing intestines has never been recorded.

-Demons on the other hand typically enjoy mutilating things, and then throwing the pieces at people however they don’t usually mutilate the person they’re possessing.

-Finally Aliens. Some aliens do have extra intestines which they can use to fling at attackers but typically they just pull out the entire intestine and don’t bother with knives.

When asked what he thought a policeman had this to say “what?” which about sums up the situation.

Police managed to subdue Mr. Carter after spraying him with pepper spray, Twice, he is now in the hospital so Monstrometer analysis is impossible. So what do you think? Inventive Zombie, Emo Demon, or a knife-happy Alien?

Mutt Out

What do you think was responsible?

The May 27th, 2012 attack in New Jersey was committed by?

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Naked Cannibal or Zombie?

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(SOS/ASAP/WTF) Miami, Florida – Cannibals say they are “deeply offended” today over Interweb buzz re: the so-called “Naked Cannibal”, a 31 year-old man named Rudy Eugene who was shot yesterday munching on another man’s face in broad daylight.

You are probably familiar with the facts. A police officer caught Mr. Eugene snacking on another man’s head yesterday sometime after 2 p.m.

When the officer ordered Rudy to stop chewing the other man’s face, he refused to stop and reportedly turned toward the officer and growled before the officer fatally shot him.

Was he a nudist cannibal? Or a zombie?

Stories about the incident today have referred to the face-chewing man as the “Naked Cannibal,” a monicker that has outraged cannibals worldwide.

“We cannibals have too much honor to dine buck naked like this,” said notable North Korean cannibal Kim Jong Un.

“Besides, eating naked just causes too much confusion about who to eat.” he added.

“We cannibals favor family dinners, properly prepared. Anyone who has seen my recent family dinner campaign will know this!”

North Korean Cannibals Promote Family Dining

But as readers of this site know, cannibals worldwide have been without their human flesh supplements for almost two weeks now, after a shipment was seized and a police investigation launched into the cannibal pills. Could this be the result?

Or is it the start of another zombie outbreak in Miami?

With Rudy Eugene’s unfortunate demise and his dinner victim now in critical condition, The Monstrometer has been somewhat less than 99.98% effective determining Mr. Eugene’s particular monstromity at this time.

So zombie or cannibal, what’s your view?

Whatever the case, until we know more survivors are best advised to take all precautions for both zombies and cannibals.

The start of another zombie outbreak in Miami?