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Adopt A Zombie Seeking Greener Garden

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Can Claude the garden zombie claw his way to a new home in a garden near you after Nashville shows him the shovel?

Zombie seeking new garden in nice neighborhood
Zombie “Claude” seeks new garden in nice neighborhood
 
Claude the zombie lived peacefully in the Grinstead garden since 2010, until last week when the home owners association of Nashville ordered his eviction.

‘During a recent inspection of the community on April 19, 2016, it was noted that there is a zombie in your yard that needs to be removed,” reads the letter received by home owner Jim Grinstead. 

The letter surprised Jim who knew about Claude but not about any opposition to him in the neighborhood. 

“We never had any complaints. Claude kept the yard nice,” says Jim. “The soil was always aerated and he never left any dead things laying around.”

While Claude’s only public comment so far has been, {sic}  “Nnnrrrgh,” Jim says his undead friend now needs a new home and garden. 

To adopt Claude – whose name incidentally is pronounced “claw-Ed” as opposed to the French pronunciation “cload,” – leave a message below for Jim Grinsby and keep on keeping on…

Zombie Actors Guild Hails Cornell Research

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“Humans see a new study and go all goo brain,”

-Gnargh Johnson, Zombie Actors Guild.

New statistical simulations done by Cornell University concludes humanity would be “largely doomed,” in the event of a full-scale zombie outbreak and offers the advice to get your zombie on fast or slow, by either a) heading to the Rocky mountains to see the very final stages or b) shamble downtown for a quick trip to your impending zombiehood.

But President of the Zombie Actors Guild Gnargh Johnson hopes humanity will take a very different message from these conclusions.

“Once again you humans see a study, and go all goo brained while missing the real point.

Head for the hills to be the last human!
Head for the hills to be the last human!

“What this study really shows is that if  zombies like me really wanted to take out humanity, if we really wanted to destroy humanity… we would have done it by now!?”

“All we really want is some basic undead human rights. Like a decent dental plan.Is that too much to ask for in exchange for all the great films and TV we help you humans make?” added Gnargh before hanging up on me and reminding me that my dues are overdue.

Have to admit – Gnargh makes a good point  here but a closer look at the Cornell study reveals some serious flaws in their parameters and zombie categories. You can have a look at their research here and decide for yourself.

Or join me in San Antonio, Texas on March 5 when the Cornell University researchers will present their full findings on the zombie apocalypse to the 2015 American Physical Society.

Zombie Apocalypse Training Camp

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(SOS/ASAP/WTF) A new training facility in British Columbia, Canada offers apocalypse training for both zombies and humans. But how long can this creepy camp play both sides of the apocalyptic fence?

An SOS 99.98% true story in progress….

Zombie Combat Zone offers training for both zombies & humans

The camp, called Zombie Combat Zone, is 57 acres of forest in Surrey, BC Canada alive with undead Zombies who come there to practice fighting humans.

Meanwhile, humans in groups of 8 to 12 pay to try their aim fighting the zombies with special paintballs.

It’s a kind of human-zombie Hunger Games except that nobody is supposed to die. Or die again.

Still the jury is out. Good unclean fun? Or dangerous zombie-sploitation gig? I’m trying to contact the Zombie Actors Guild for comment and will update this article soon.

New Jersey Zombie, Demon or Alien?

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(SOS/ASAP/WTF) Sunday, May 27th Hackensack, New Jersey: Just one day after the terrifying zombie/cannibal case in Miami, this terrifying report from supernatural reporter & survivor Mr. Mutt:

A baffling case of self-mutilation is leaving people wondering: Zombie, Demon or Alien? You be the judge.

Police were called to the home of a Mr. Wayne Carter after a neighbor reported seeing Mr. Carter cutting himself. When police tried to stop Mr. Carter he began to slash at them and throw parts of his intestines at them.

*WARNING THIS ARTICLE CONTAINS DISTURBING FACTS* It does not get better from here. Proceed to read at your own discretion. SOS assumes no responsibility for any gory nightmares or loss of appetite induced from continuing to read. 

Another disturbing zombie junkie incident?

The police naturally thought this to be strange, and most survivalist experts agree this seems to be supernatural. However none of them can agree on what Mr. Carter is.

Here’s the facts:

-While there are insolated cases of zombies throwing ribs at their victims, throwing intestines has never been recorded.

-Demons on the other hand typically enjoy mutilating things, and then throwing the pieces at people however they don’t usually mutilate the person they’re possessing.

-Finally Aliens. Some aliens do have extra intestines which they can use to fling at attackers but typically they just pull out the entire intestine and don’t bother with knives.

When asked what he thought a policeman had this to say “what?” which about sums up the situation.

Police managed to subdue Mr. Carter after spraying him with pepper spray, Twice, he is now in the hospital so Monstrometer analysis is impossible. So what do you think? Inventive Zombie, Emo Demon, or a knife-happy Alien?

Mutt Out

What do you think was responsible?

The May 27th, 2012 attack in New Jersey was committed by?

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Dangerous Holiday Zombie Gift Trend

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Dangerous Holiday Gift Trend
Severed zombie hands made into drinking cups

Zombie hands you can drink from violate basic standards for ZSE safety and good taste.

An alarming Survivor email this week  alerting the world to a dangerous new holiday trend – the processing of trafficked zombie body parts into horrifically unsafe albeit er, HANDY little holiday gifts.

Now anyone who has watched my zombie month videos knows that I am in no position to discourage the ordering of scientific zombie specimens from dubious providers.

Okay so I may have performed a somewhat risky autopsy on a zombie specimen and endangered the life and grades of my best friend Graham – but really who hasn’t? (If you haven’t seen it I invite you to please watch below.)

However, ordering a zombie specimen from a reputable laboratory to explore and promote basic rules of zombie survival is a far cry from trafficking in the grisly gift of undead dishes shown here in this gift-giving holiday guide. While it may seem entertaining or even cute to serve your holiday punch in the severed, hollowed-out ulna of an undead zombie, consider the consequences. Not only will your zombie-nog take on the taste and texture of putrified flesh, but you may well be toasting your last yule among the lively. Studies demonstrate zombie-infection can result from the ingestion of even a single zombie prion and it would take more than a thin coat of urethane to convince me these zombie trophies have been FDA approved.

Second and maybe more important, before giving the gift of goo this holiday consider this: RETALIATION. Not just from the growing horde of ultra-organized zombies like the Zombie Actors’ Guild or ZAG but retaliation of an even more horrific kind. I’m talking about your itchy bulky, ill-fitting sweaters. Your novelty santa undershorts. Your too-small sport socks.  Do you know how many men and boys are admitted to hospital every year with gangrenous feet caused by your retaliatory Hanukah socks? I’m saying DO YOU REALLY WANT TO START A GRISLY GIFT WAR? If not, then please, for your own safety, think before you wrap up one of these.

(BTW please help me continue to boycott ZOMBIESPECIMENS DOT COM. They are still so not the most reliable providers of zombie specimens on the Internet.)