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Globe Faces Dark Declaration as Battle for the Light Continues

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Dark yuletidings from parts of Canada and the USA, as the annual battle for the light drags on without resolution this season, the globe is facing the possibility of an official Dark Christmas declaration.

Kertaskinir steals the light
SCIA searching for suspect who goes by the name Kertaskinir

As seasoned survivors recall, keeping the light lit is an important part of Christmas for beings of many denominations around the globe. But the part many have forgotten is this – if the light doesn’t stay lit through Christmas, the dark can be declared victorious and the entire globe will face a Dark Year.

That’s right, an entire year of darkness. No sunrise, no sunset, no fireplace channel on Netflix. In fact, no Netflix at all.  Just a fun-filled year of scrounging for firewood in dark scary woods full of triumphant dark spirits who take every opportunity to laugh at you. It’s no fun.

Even vampires hate a year of darkness. And so do I. It’s the main reason I wage my annual defensive decorating campaign, to prevent this situation from occurring. (Well that and I love finely aged tree bacon.)

So what happened this year? Somebody put one too many lights on the Christmas Tree? Not enough Baconsil? Or part of a sinister demonic plot?

With road crews still working around the clock to restore power before a Dark Christmas can be officially declared, the SCIA (Santa Claus Intelligence Agency) is searching for a suspect, an Icelandic terrorist who goes by the name of Kertaskinir (see photo).

The lone man, described as a cross between a troll and a demon, is a known agent affiliated with a local cell known as the Yule Lads who fight on behalf of undisclosed spirits to defeat Christmas and bring a year of darkness and chaos.

Kertaskinir or “Kert” for short, is largely considered the most dangerous of the 13 terrorist trolls. His modus operandi is to strike on Christmas Eve, with a relatively straightforward strategy. That is to say, he goes straight for the lights.

A Dark Year doesn't have to mean no phone anymore.
Prepare for the Dark Year with a Power Pot.

In modern times Law enforcement had stopped taking old Kert seriously. writing him him off as an unsophisticated folkloric candle thief, whose skills seemed limited to Grinch-style tactics of petty vandalism and theft. You know, unplugging Christmas trees and smashing Christmas lights. Nobody suspected old Kert could develop the technology to mastermind a blackout of this magnitude, until now.

Anyone with information about this terrorist troll is being urged to contact their local authorities as soon as possible or leave the info below as

Meanwhile, I invite all survivors to begin preparing for the Dark Year ahead. Starting with this handy little Power Pot. Lucky for me, I found one under the tree this year. Mainly because I put it there but that’s okay it’s all about giving and this is what I gave myself – a pot that boils water and uses that energy to charge your phone or iPod or even your electric rollerskates at the same time. Thank you Seth, your very thoughtful. You’re welcome Seth.

Don’t let the Dark Year ahead get you down! If you haven’t given yourself the gift of this handy electricity generating piece of camp cookery, what are you waiting for?

 

Happy Saint Krampus Night Are You On His Naughty List?

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Have you, like me, always wondered what happens to kids on the Naughty List? Happy St. Krampus Night, the most terrifying night of the holiday calendar after St. Michaelmas and Yule Cat Day. Don’t want to be dragged to the bowels of Austria tonight by a demon dressed in animal skins? Keep reading.

The saint who comes for the kids on the naughty list...
The saint who comes for kids on the naughty list…

Little known fact – Saint Nicholas aka: Santa Claus has a twin brother known as Krampus to whom was assigned the unhappy task of dealing with kids on the infamous Naughty List on this night, December 05. He does this by means of a heavy stick and a child-sized bag on his shoulder.

Why did Krampus get the job of snatching up Naughty Aughties on this night and dragging them off to Austria? That part is unclear. Was he maybe a grumpier baby than little Nick? Of was his life forfeit on birth owing to a pact made with the devil by his mother or father?

We don’t know that part. But we do know this. He hates Santa Claus and kids and hides out in the darkest part of Austria until this night, Krampusnacht, when he receives a copy of the naughty list and goes to work.

Yes, St. Krampus is the most terrifying holiday demon since that Icelandic Yule Cat and the Grinch. Actually, he might even be the Grinch now that I think about it. They look suspiciously similar.

But if you haven’t been perfect all year, don’t despair. There’s still time before midnight to get yourself off the list. Start by emailing or calling Santa Claus immediately and demand to know your status in regards to the list and a copy of your SCIA file (Santa Claus Intelligence Agency). You can do that a few places including here at emailsanta.com

But let’s assume you haven’t been an angel – or maybe you have been an angel and that’s the real problem here – but let’s say that you actually are unfortunately on the naughty list, despite all of your best intentions. Are you doomed to live out the rest of your days roaming the forests and fjords of Austria looking for a gingerbread house?

Maybe. But you don’t despair if you don’t like gingerbread there’s still time to get your name off that list. It’s just going to take some work:

How to Get Your Name off the Naughty List By Midnight 

An impossibly ambitious helpy SOS list in progress…

Get your name off his list by midnight!
Get your name off his list by midnight!

1. Plan to perform a good deed by midnight.

 Bonus points if your good deed in some way rectifies a situation that got you on that naughty list to begin with so try to get that info out of the SCIA. That’s why ideally, you need a copy of your file.

2. Perform and document the good deed.

Don’t tell me that for a deed to be truly good it must be done in ignomy. I’m aware of this noble principal and practice it often but I’m also aware that the clock is ticking and you need proof! So get some. Make sure there are witnesses. Document, document, document. Photos are good, video is better.

3. Send your proof to the SCIA asap with a detailed report of your deed and why it should cancel out any previous lesser ungood deeds.

4. Rinse and Repeat.

That’s right. Deed after deed until finally it sticks. For some of us, it might take a lot of good deeds tonight to cancel out the other ones. But I have to try. Because I hate gingerbread. It tastes like dwarves.

5. Hire an angel to be your lawyer.

If all else fails or you think your case might be too complicated, you might need a spiritual lawyer, in this case, because Saint Krampus is a demon, you will need an angel lawyer to plead your case before midnight.

Don’t have an angel lawyer on speed dial? Why not try the Little Angel of Herogenbosch. She takes tweets @ut_engelke*

*Please note SOS does not endorse or not not endorse the services of any real angel(s) you may meet on this site.  

The Yule Cat Cometh!

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Between dangerous holiday shopping and zombie mall Santas it’s easy to forget the real threat lurking between you and all that Christmas turkey. Call it Winter Solstice or Alban Arthuan or Yule or just December 21 in the northern hemisphere, the darkest day of the year has come again and the stakes are historically high. Restless spirits must be calmed and the light must be cajoled back into the world with the correct use of fire and festive festoonery. Or we will be doomed by tradition to an entire year of utter darkness.

Icelandic Yule Cat Sees Old Sweaters Everywhere
Icelandic Yule Cat eats you if you wear an old sweater today.

Ordinarily I take this day to plead with survivors for a return to traditional Christmas decorations, ie: substantial, meaty and edible.  (Trim those trees with bacon if you know what’s good for you.) But more about that later. This year our longer days and the promise of summer is far from certain, threatened by other world events and reports from around the world.

Starting with Iceland. That crusty old Yule Cat is said to be particularly angry this year by a general dirth of new sweaters. Recall that Jólakötturinn, the Icelandic Yule Cat, attacks those who fail to don a brand new wool sweater today for yule, dragging them into darkness for crimes of fashion. Ordinarily Icelanders respond appropriately by knitting or at least buying, a brand new sweater to mark the date.

But owing to global circumstances this year, including the aggressive off-season activities of leprechauns, record numbers of people on earth will not be able to wear a new sweater on December 21. This does not bode well for our solstice survival!

Add to this, disturbing reports about the yule log. Authentic oak yule logs are being replaced in record numbers of homes this year by a flood of fake yule log videos on YouTube. The result of this massive digital experimentation has yet to be determined. Recall, an authentic yule log must be lit by a spark from last year’s log. How will this work with a video? Do you make a video of your old video?

Predictions from witches on this site are still coming in read about them here. So far she who goes by the name Bebe, predicts the artificial yule fires will be perfectly acceptable only as long as they are lit from a spark off the old log.

Are digital Yule Logs Safe? Effective?
Record numbers of digital yule logs this solstice

Meanwhile what’s a concerned survivor to do? Start by taking a page from the Oldentimers, who realized the value of effective festoonery. Those decorations are not just  festive, they are a traditional trap for dangerous spirits. You use it to lure the spirits of darkness indoors with a happy green tree decked with substantial edibles. This is very important. Traditional decorations included nuts, apples, muffins and long strips of bacon draped over the branches. In short, everything a spirit needs to stay warm and happy and out of trouble! Compare that to the Christmas trees of today. How many spirits will starve in those boughs, hung with glittering plastic balls and synthetic garlands? Do we really need to be reminded that any spirit with the MUNCHIES is a NASTY one? Take my word for it. Pop some damn corn, slap it on a string and get it up there *STAT!* You family is depending on you. Better yet, break out some bacon and drape it over the branches. That will keep them busy longer. Where do you think tinsel comes from anyway?

Xmas Bacon Baconsil

DARKEST DARK NIGHT DECORATING TIPS

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Between dangerous Xmas shopping and zombie mall Santas it’s easy to forget the real danger lurking between you and all that Christmas turkey. We’re talking about the Winter Solstice. This year the longest, darkest night of the year  – for half of the world – will be 8.5 percent longer and darker due to the convergence of a full lunar eclipse. (Note to any Southern Hemispherians at this point – Please read this article upside-down.)

Whether you call it Winter Solstice or  “Alban Arthuan” or “Yule” December 21 in the northern hemisphere is always pretty dark, both literally and figuratively. Normally a full 18 hours of dark, scary thoughts like, what do I get her for Christmas? What did I get her last year? And where’s that crazy Icelandic Yule Cat and why does he always attack me ? Add to it this year an extra 1.5 hours of terrifying awareness like, Why is the moon turning red? Is it bleeding?

The answer is yes. No. Maybe. This solstice December 21 brings with it a full lunar eclipse. The first solstice lunar eclipse since 1554, according to NASA. Beginning around 1:30 am EST which is around 5:30 Universal Time, the shadow of the earth will swallow the full moon for some 72 minutes of celestial mayhem. I don’t want to alarm anyone but the last time this happened it wasn’t good! Remember 1554? Me either. NOBODY DOES! Sounds like a total blackout to me.  A dreaded Year of Darkness.

So how can we prevent this happening again? Well Oldentimers knew what to do in this situation. Those decorations are not just about annoying your neighbors. They have roots in survival – and preventing another year of darkness. Start by decorating your holiday tree appropriately. A traditional tree is not just a convenient gift stand, it’s a trap for dangerous spirits. You use it to lure the spirits of darkness indoors with a happy green tree decked with edible. This is very important. Traditional decorations included nuts, apples, muffins and long strips of bacon draped over the branches. In short, everything a spirit needs to stay warm and happy and out of trouble! Compare that to the Christmas trees of today. How many spirits will starve in those boughs, hung with glittering plastic balls and synthetic garlands? Do we really need to be reminded that any spirit with the MUNCHIES is a NASTY one? Take my word for it. Pop some damn corn, slap it on a string and get it up there *STAT!* You family is depending on you. Better yet, break out some bacon and drape it over the branches. That will keep them busy longer. Where do you think tinsil comes from anyway?

Xmas Bacon
Xmas Baconsil!

After you’ve fed the spirits, it’s time to pitch in on the annual Luring of the Light. Unless you really WANT to live in darkness for 12 more months? If not, then get out there and cajole the sun like your ancestors did. Remember, electric lights don’t count. Dust off that Yule log and haul it in and if you haven’t kept one from last year? First of all SHAME ON YOU!  With the annual fate of the whole world at stake all you had to do was save a piece of log. Was that really so hard? Now what? Maybe light a candle, preferably two.  There’s no hard data on how much light our star requires to make its encore, so every flame counts.

Take this advice and all should go smoothly again this Solstice. Spirits stay happy, the sun will return and we finish Christmas shopping on December 24 like the triumphant seasonal survivors that we have always historically been.