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Un-undead Singing Idol Kidnapped by Zombies?

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This man man claiming to be a famous Zulu singer returned from the dead this week, says he survived a terrible two-year kidnapping by zombies after a witch placed a spell on him.

Dead singing sensation claims he was kidnapped by zombies.
Man claiming to be Zulu singing sensation “Mgqumeni” returns from a two year kidnapping ordeal

But only two of his three wives and girlfriends agree and authorities intend to charge him with fraud.

This week the man appeared claiming to be Khulekani “Mgqumeni” Khumalo, an award-winning Zulu folk musician who died in 2009. His story caused riots at the singer’s former home after fans of the singer heard the man’s story about a witch doctor who marked him with a spell, causing him to be kidnapped by a herd of roving zombies.

Using a loudspeaker, he explained  that zombies kept him alive in a cave for two years until he finally managed to escape with all his brains –  but none of his trademark dreadlocks.

(Presumably the zombies shaved his head in preparation for his eventual de-braining – not an uncommon practice among civilized zombies who prefer to prepare their meals in this manner.)

The un-undead singer was greeted warmly by two of his former wives, who believed his story and took him back. But his third wife was very skeptical.

“What? Two other wives? I don’t care who he is, send him back to the zombies!”

She called the police who are considering fraud charges.

Football Loving Witches Help Defeat Curse

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Football Witches of Salem Put Spell on Football Team
Salem Witches Friday the 13th Service Lifts Curse and Brings Victory

Forget cheerleaders! With the Patriots decisive victory over the Broncos today, smart NFL teams are scrambling to get witches on their side after a group of Salem witches succeed in defeating a decades-old curse.

A group of witches in Salem Massachusetts held a Friday the 13th circle in support of quarterback Tom Brady of the New England Patriots to try and lift a curse and help him be victorious over the Denver Broncos.

Today it appears their efforts to lift his curse may have succeeded as Brady threw for 363 yards and six touchdowns, to bring home the victory.

To explain the dread curse that dogged quarterback Tom Brady, it is the so-called “Sports Illustrated Curse.” This curse affects professional athletes at the height of their performance, right before a crucial event or game. If a professional athlete appears on the cover of the magazine Sports Illustrated right before the big game, something terrible is expected to happen.

The curse goes back to the 1950s when third-baseman Eddie Mathews, the first person to appear on the cover of Sports Illustrated broke his left hand in the first game following his appearance on the cover. This broken hand also broke his nine-game winning streak for the Atlanta Braves.

The curse is said to have been responsible for the injuries and near-death accidents of many other great athletes throughout history, from skiers to figure skaters, basketball and football players.

So what does this mean for the historic curse? Is it officially lifted for everybody? Or just Tom Brady? I am trying now to contact the Sorceresses involved, lead by Sorceress Lorelei Stathopoulos the Fabulous, of Crow Haven Corner.

And who placed the curse in the fist place? Forensic supernatural survivologists who have tried to trace the origin of the curse, suggest that Eddie Mathews’ picture on the cover of Sports Illustrated may have been used in a dark circle ceremony by a supporter of a rival team who forgot to snip off the title of the magazine before proceeding.

Apple Storm In Coventry – Witches Pelt Town With Apples, But Why?

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Apples rain on village Monday night
Mysterious apple storm, villagers fear witches at work

News from the ancient city of Coventry, Great Britain. At 6:45 pm on Monday, a storm of apples pelted the village of Coundon, turning roads – and possibly hearts – to fruity mush.

“The apples fell out of nowhere. They were small and green and hit the bonnet hard. Everyone had to stop their cars suddenly,” said one motorist traveling with her husband.

Even more mysterious, at the time the apples fell from the sky, it was pretty calm over Coventry, according to the BBC Weather Centre. The Met Office says there were no reports of tornadoes in the area, leading many to suspect the activity of witches or demons.

But aren’t beans the magical fruit? To find the core truth here, I asked Romanian White Witch Maria Campesina, a reluctant if semi-frequent contributer to SOS.

“Beans aren’t even a fruit,” writes Maria. “Apples have been the preferred fruit of enchanters, angels, faeries and demons since Adam and Eve. They are the fruit of heaven, longevity, love and immortality. Apples are used for love charms, for knowledge and for spells to reveal lovers. They are also a great source of fiber, although not as good as beans.”

But if this is a dramatic love charm gone awry, who is responsible? And who the intended target?

It’s too soon to prove conclusively, but early media reports seem to indicate the Meakins brothers, either Brian or Dave or possibly both, may have been the target of this fantastical fruiting. Normally a couple of curmudgeons, neighbors say the formerly mean old Meakin men have become surprisingly communicative and friendly ever since the fruit fell on them.

Consider this. Brian Meakins, 63, a forklift driver told everyone around that he was “stunned” when he opened his front door and found his garden full of smashed apples. “At first I assumed those rotten kids must have thrown them because we do get the occasional egg and apple thrown and normally I would hunt them all down and tan their hides but not this time. For some reason this time, I’m okay with it.”

Immediately following the attack, brother Dave Meakins who always kind of wanted to wear a gold earring in his left ear as an expression of his easy-going and open-minded nature but was afraid of what people would say, finally went out and got his ear pierced.

“I chose a gold hoop, you know, circle of life shape. What do you think?”

No witches have claimed credit yet but the neighborhood kids have expressed relief that grumpy old Mr. Meany-kins will finally have somebody else to chase after.

Meakins Men Targeted in Witch Fruiting?
Mr. Meakins: the Apple of a Witch's Eye?

Witches vs Leprechauns

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Leprechauns Amass for Witches Month

A showdown at The Crossroads is brewing! As witches around the world prepare to celebrate their biggest holiday on November 30, an ominous force is gathering to oppose them, namely the biggest Ceili of leprechauns in global history.

First – my apologies to witches including our own Mr. Jaffa, for overlooking to acknowledge the fact that November is Witches’ Month. A time for men to celebrate by leaving food and supplies for traveling witches at three-way intersections and/or by making masks or growing protective facial hair  – or both – to prevent any witches with a grudge from recognizing them.

Historically this arrangement has worked very well. It enables the November witches to travel uninterrupted by night, to work their healing mojo on the sick and the dying without the distraction of having to stop and wreak revenge on anyone.

Generally speaking the only other supernatural beings who would dare to mess with a witch this time of year is an angel and even the most ambitious angel would normally wait until after the witches’ biggest holiday, The Crossroads on November 30.

So what’s up with the leprechauns this year? A record number of them – 262 of them – fearlessly manifested a show of traditional strength in Dublin last week. Blame it on global warming but the Leprechauns are leaping out of March and laying claim to Witches’ Month.

“Those witches don’t scare me. As far as we’re concerned, every month is Leprechaun month,” stated one of them (below), who refused to give his name or lower his fake beard.

Famous last words, leprechaun! Survivors, don’t get caught in The Crossroads Crossfire! Remember to:

1. Grow a beard if you can. If you can’t, invest in a good fake one and don’t take it off. Not even if you’re a girl. Not even when you go out. Especially not at night.

2. Avoid 3-ways if you can. If you can’t, at least avoid them at night. (Witch magic is strongest at 3-way intersections.)

3. If you must cross a 3-way intersection at night, remember to leave a distracting snack for any traveling witches. Something good like a bacon double cheeseburger not your moldy last week’s lunch. They’ll know it was you and remember. (Hence tip number one – the beard. It’s not just about cancer!)

4. With the involvement of leprechauns this year, good idea to keep a little four leaf clover handy too.

Leprechauns Defy Witches

What’s New in Monstrometer 2.2?

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What’s new in Monstrometer 2.2? If you say it out loud you will discover that that I am a poet and I didn’t even know it.

The BIG change is that Graham and I fixed the way that the Survival Videos play. They were generally not working the way that you would want them to thanks to a change in the OS and we tried for months to fix it but now we finally figured it out. So if you never have before please take a look at the videos. There are lots of ways to get there including taping on the spot where it says Zombie Month right on the first page.

The logic to determine your Monster diagnosis has also been fine-tuned, increasing the Monstrometer’s overall accuracy by nearly 0.87%. Now I know that may not seem like much but it is a lot when you are dealing with something as accurate as the Monstrometer.

And while we have not added any new results to the database we have added a number of new questions to help diagnose your supernatural state.

For those who didn’t notice it was there before there is a “More” tab that contains all kinds of goodies like a monsters page with quick links to all of the Monstrometer Monster Report pages, the videos and more! (Hence the name)

The update has been uploaded to the App Store for approval and should be available for you to download soon. Probably in less than a week. Graham and I are already working on the next update which should be a little bit bigger. Maybe even including a new result.

Keep on keeping on.

Seth

P.S. Screenshots coming soon!

Witches: You May Be Dealing With A Witch

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The good news is that if you’re not a king, queen, prince, principal, state official or school administrator, you likely have nothing to fear from witches.
DangerSign-Witches

UNLESS – you are destined to become a king, queen, prince, principal, state official or school administrator. In witch case, feel free to fear witches!

But if your destiny does not include any of these professions, you likely have nothing to fear from witches. Janitors for instance, have generally have nothing to fear from witches. In fact, night janitors routinely participate in secret ceremonies designed to summon witches on magic brooms.

If however your career aspirations lean toward the lofty or the official, then turn to the following principals when dealing with witches:

1. Talk about the weather. Witches love a good weather anomaly. If you haven’t seen any – MAKE ONE UP! Amphibian precipitation is a popular one but any one will do.

2. Speak to him in Latin! If possible, make it rhyme. For instance:  ILLIC QUONDOM ERAM A VIR EX NANTUCKETT…(“There once was a man from Nantuckett…”) Guaranteed to slow her down, if not scare her off.

3. Be open-minded. You could learn a lot as a frog or a tree. Some people pay witches a lot of money for this opportunity and you’re getting it for free!