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You are here: Home / Archives for Witches

Witches

Witches Say High School Triangle Food Ban Cruel to Leprechauns

March 25, 2013 By Seth Leave a Comment

A mysterious ban on triangular foods at an English high school has outraged the school’s population of both witches and leprechauns.

Witches and leprechauns in a tangle over triangle
Witches and leprechauns in a tangle over triangle

Castle View School says they have outlawed foods prepared in a triangle shape for health and safety reasons after a recent food fight injury to a boy’s eye, but the Young Witches Association claims this is just a deliberate attempt to persecute both witches and leprechauns.

“How can you ban a triangle? It’s just cruel! They know how important that shape is to both us witches and leprechauns, because of the number three,” writes Hester Albina Campesina in an email.

Hester adds that leprechauns in particular are affected this month, as many of them are required to follow a strict all-triangle food diet for the month of March.

“How many leprechauns will starve to death this week alone?”

Castle View School says that triangle-shaped foods will be replaced by square foods from now on. Which Hester insists is unacceptable.

“For many of us, including leprechauns, the Trinity is sacred. Why do you think we grant three wishes? Why do you think leprechauns fear four leaf clovers?  Leprechaun technology depends on triangular prismatic chips. And I picked this school exactly because of its triangle tolerance policy. Well that and the flapjacks are really delicious.”

High School catering staffers say that leprechauns and witches are free to take a sharp knife or otherwise pointy object and use it to make two triangles out of the newer, safer square foods if they so desire.

“But the ban on triangular flapjacks remains.”

Hester the witch has so far been unavailable to respond to his comment.

On the bright side, the triangle tangle has brought together two groups normally at odds with each other and that’s something to celebrate, especially this month when witches spend so much time teasing leprechauns with fake straw-to-gold spells.

 

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Filed Under: Survival News Tagged With: Witches

Witches Warn Lady Gaga After Witch Assistant Fired: Your Days of Fame Are Numbered

February 4, 2013 By Seth 2 Comments

Witches worldwide threaten to curse Lady Gaga and revoke all her fame and riches today after the pop diva defended firing her personal assistant for witch-like behaviour.

Bewitched: Witches react to Lady Gaga firing witch assistant (left)

In official court documents Lady Gaga accused fired assistant Jennifer of just staring at her, “like a witch,” after refusing to be at her beck and call and not even using her witch magic to unpack the pop star’s 20 heavy bags for her.

“She would only open a couple of bags and it was very stressful for me because then again on my days off I couldn’t really have a day off because you know, I weigh 115 pounds and I was trying to move these big heavy luggages all by myself in the room,” stated Lady Gaga.

Her statements have enraged the World Witches Federation, who warn that one does not hire a witch to be at one’s “beck and call” let alone unpack bags.

“One does not hire a witch for her bag unpacking spells!” raged Romanian White Witch Queen Maria Campina. “Does Lady Gaga imagine that all her fame and fortune comes out of thin air? Maybe it’s time for us to revoke the magic we have granted her if she is going to keep acting this way. Let her deal with the demons and see how she likes that!”

The White Witch says that she will bring up the matter for vote at the next WWF council. Until then she warns everyone to be kind to Witch Assistants, who work very hard and are in many cases the the hidden source of your power and riches.

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Filed Under: Survival News Tagged With: Witches

Get Your Loaf Ready For Magic. It’s Lammas Eve!

August 1, 2012 By Seth 7 Comments

Tomorrow is August 1st. In many jurisdictions around the world it is a holiday but many forget the reason for this holiday. (Hint – It is not just an excuse to go camping at the lake.

Lammas Loaf marked with ancient witch symbol for yummy.

No instead Lammas, as the day is known by those who still remember (read immortal or exceptionally aka supernaturally long-lived), is a celebration of the first fruits of the harvest. Now they don’t mean fruits literally in this case, more as in results, anyways the point is that is you get yourself a couple of nice loaves of bread and take them down to your local witch or coven of witches and give them one loaf to eat they will enchant the other loaf and give it back to you.

No kidding! Your very own loaf of magic bread! How awesome is that? Very. That’s how awesome.

Now you may ask, “Seth, what good exactly is a magic loaf of bread?”

To which I would reply, “Well I am not 100% sure but I bet that maybe Bebe or MrJaffa could tell us. All I know is that magic bread has to be about 1o times more awesome than regular bread and probably at least half as fattening.”

Post in the comments below if you have any stories of celebrating Lammas or have magic loaf stories or pics to share.

I’ll be back with some more stuff tomorrow including early clues for the Survivor of the Month and maybe even the SOS Survival Hall of Fame…

And something else…

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Filed Under: Survival News Tagged With: Bread, Lammas, SOS Survival, Survivor of the Month, Witches

Friday the 13th Action Plan

April 12, 2012 By Seth 7 Comments

Friday the 13th remains the second most confusing holiday on the calendar after Black Noodle Day. Is it good luck or bad?  A time to celebrate or fear?  And what is the best way to deal with it? Should you:

Download for 2012.
Download for 2012.

a) Invite 11 of your favorite witches to party in the woods? Or

b) Spend the day avenging the untimely death of a loved one, say your son, mother or the slaughter of your entire secret order of Templar Knights? Or

c) Try very hard to avoid anyone who just answered a or b?

Adding to this confusion, the historical record indicates Friday the 13th is actually a very lucky day for some people like: drivers, insurance companies and stock brokers named Bob.

Understandably you might feel like locking down in your home until the dreaded day has passed. But that would be a big mistake. Sure it might work today and you might survive this time but what will you do for the dreaded year 2012. This year has three – count them 1-2-3 – Friday the 13th. Is it any wonder the Mayans gave up calendaring on THAT year?

It’s a terrifying thought but don’t you give up. You don’t need a paraskevidekatriaologist to follow my three-step Friday the 13th Action Plan. It’s simple and it goes right to the root of the problem. No more agonizing over questions like, Do I just kill Jason AGAIN? Or Jason and his Mom and his friend Roy and his freaktarded son too?

No the key to my action plan is right next door, as close as that neighbour on the 14th floor of your building.  (Just don’t take the elevator to get there.) It’s about magic and math. Friday the 13th = Friday + 13. Both scary and unlucky enough on their own. Take Friday. The social pressure to get lucky on a Friday is scary enough for average looking people, without even considering the legacy left on the day by that most eponymous witch, Frigga.

Add to the unluckiness of “Friday” the number 13. Now Asian survivors please be patient here, but for Westerners the number “13” has been taboo since Jesus fired little-known 13th Apostle Doug before his manuscript The Gospel According to Doug could find a publisher. A fact reinforced today by scientists who have discovered that 12 is the maximum number of names a middle-manager can effectively forget before accidentally getting one right.

So how do you fight a day and a number? Well, the path is clear – divide and conquer. My action plan will eradicate both factors, and put an end to both Friday and 13 once and for all. It just requires a few minor adjustments to your calendar – see photos below. I would advise you to begin with Friday, you’ll see why. I think of it now as Thurs 2 but whatever works for you. “Pre-Saturday,” or “Saturday Eve,” although clunky, remain good options.

Eliminating all 52 Fridays from your calendar alone is probably enough to keep you safe but if your elevator doesn’t go past the twelfth floor you can embark on a 13 elimination plan too. Yes this will shorten your year somewhat – by roughly 52 days which over a lifetime equals around 4160 days. But think of it this way, time is relative and that was 11.4 UNLUCKY years, permitting you to enjoy the time you have left that much more.

Introducing the SOS F-13 Calendar:

To save time – which if you eliminate both Friday and 13 from your calendar you are going to need! – you can download my free F-13 Safe Calendar. Graham is working on it right now, with the help of crack team of coders, griselled veterans of the Great Calendar War of 1999. Once downloaded my calendar program will eliminate both Friday and 13 from your computer and life in seconds. Watch your life get luckier and luckier – or your money back.

It’s virtually guaranteed.

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Filed Under: Survival Resources Tagged With: 2012, Friday the 13th, Mayans, Psychos, Witches

Meet Bebe – Survivor of the Month

April 5, 2012 By Seth

This survivor famously once said,

“Hey you guys. Zyboragon,The One,and Time Kitsume this is not the time to fight each other let’s just get through this you can kill each other later if we survive.”

and this one is great too:

“You feel guilty because you’re good. If your evil you would feel nothing or superior.Eating ice cream and cookies always makes me feel better.You?”

and this one:

“How did I get here? Where am I? Why am I wearing bowling shoes?”

Ten Fun Facts about this Survivor:

1. Has a potion to make platanium clothing & armor. (That’s platinum + titanium. Not to be confused with PLANTAINIUM which is made from bananas.)

2. Holidays in the Kingdom of Sleep and can sometimes bring items from there into the real world because of a deal made by one of her ancestors.

3. As Mr. Mutt learned the hard way, you should NEVER lend this survivor your favorite book.

4. Can sometimes summon Supreme Fire from a ring.

5. Can make WW Scarly go invisible for days with no ability to touch anything.

6. Is a dagger expert, always reminds you to find the original sheath because their magic works together.

7. Once had a cyborg chauffeur. That didn’t work out very well.

8. Went on a vampire cruise with a bunch of other survivors… on purpose. Needless to say, regretted it.

9. Taught us all the hard way the dangers of roses, mysterious unattended bags and…

10. Loves blood orange and er, cat blood ice cream and cupcakes. (Please don’t call the SPCA. I have enough trouble from the zombie rights activists.)

Okay enough clues. If you haven’t guessed it by now the first Survivor of the Month is: Bebe.

WHY BEBE NEEDS A VACATION…

(And why you should think twice before going on one with her!)

It would be almost impossible to summarize everything Bebe has survived in the last few months. But I will try to hit some of the highlights. Please help correct the record in the comments below if I get it wrong.

First, the key to understanding Bebe. She is first and foremost a ninth generation witch, on her mother’s side. When she’s not saving your life, she’s getting you killed. She can heal you with spells that use bronze dust, vervain and simple salt among other ingredients.

She has a crystal wand and if you give her 777 ingredients and help her to crush some gems, she can make you a nice daywalker ring. (Just beware because unlike some witches, Bebe doesn’t make them subtle. She believes you need some bling in that ring.) It’s her job to tend the foyer and the Yule Log in the Great Witches Hall.

Recall Bebe also owns a very special, hidden bookstore, one that specializes in the preservation and restoration of rare and antique books and manuscripts.

(Of course we also know this didn’t stop Bebe from getting Mr. Mutt’s rare book of survival spells destroyed. Did she really copy & destroy it to save it? And where did she hide the pieces? But that’s another story which Alex sums up here.)

So how did Bebe end up as a quasi demonic vamp witch?

Well the record shows something going very wrong with the ninth generation of her family. Maybe an ancient deal or a truce or curse of judgement between one of her ancestors and a Vampire’s council known as the GVVC? We don’t know.

What is clear, is that an over-passionate vampire named Damion came to claim Bebe’s sister Vee and then later Bebe herself as an unwilling bride.

A team of survivors helped Bebe to escape Damion’s clutches a couple of times but unfortunately her sister Vee died in the process. And Bebe herself was not unscathed. Her sister Vee managed to bite her and it wasn’t long before Bebe’s comments devolved into the first of about a million….soooo thirsty! posts.

Also, her hair turned temporarily blue, her fingernails silver and she woke up wearing bowling shoes.  Can we blame Damion for the bowling shoes? Unclear. The good news is that Damion was finally defeated.

Unfortunately, Bebe’s little brother Spark, himself a crazy maze-making sorcerer is a sworn enemy of the vampires. Spark is the kind of guy who would trade his own kids for a dragonscale suit. In fact that’s exactly what he did. He also did not appreciate his sister being a vampire and now with Damion defeated, Bebe had to worry about her brother Spark instead. Could things get any worse?

Well yes. They did. In particular recall the Zanthre incident. Survivors on the site launched an offensive against this demonic trouble maker  who can cage you forever with your own shadow. It was a massive offensive, attracting a mysterious Soul Eater named Soulgard who joined the fray just to clean up the soul mess.

Then things went wrong. In the heat of battle, Bebe ended up fighting with Soulgard for her soul even though she wasn’t even dead. Bebe made a dangerous deal for her soul. She offered to recover defeated Damion’s soul and give that to Soulgard in exchange. This lead Bebe on a dangerous journey to recover Damion’s soul, which she trapped in a crystal around her neck and returned to the battle. But the battle  against Zanthre was heating up and suddenly Bebe needed to do something else with Damion’s soul.

To save her own life and increase her strength, Bebe swallowed the crystal containing Damion’s soul. This helped defeat Zanthre, but it left Bebe with a stomachache and some very questionable demonic powers. And what will happen to her if Soulgard ever comes back to claim the soul crystal?

There are lots of other exciting incidents and battles. A cyborg chauffeur briefly turned her into Bebe Bot. (Let’s not even talk about her demon twins TK and Zyborgana, it just makes Wolf Princess upset.) And she has really bad luck with roses. Around Bebe they always turn into something bad. Think fairies that take over your home. Or worse, fire flowers that threaten to destroy everything.

But back to the title. Here’s why you should think twice about going on vacation with Bebe. Yes, I’m talking about the vampire cruise. I guess we can forgive her for embracing her vampire side. After all she didn’t exactly choose to become one. No sooner has Bebe recruited all the survivalists but disaster strikes and it turns out to be a monster trap, the boat sinking and everyone trapped. 

Questionable vacay choices aside, Bebe is a great survivor with lots of good advice and helpful to everyone including me. Who else could teach you the real dangers of unattended bags? 

You probably won’t encounter the legendary Bebe on these pages anymore, but we have reason to believe she is still surviving out there somewhere, so maybe you or I will run into her at one of many Wych’s Fairs between the worlds. (If I can ever get there before they disappear!)

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Filed Under: Survival Resources Tagged With: bebe, seth on survival, SOS, survivor, Survivor of the Month, survivors, Vampires, Witches

New Video – Interview with Suspected Werewolf

February 28, 2012 By Seth 8 Comments

Hail Survivors,

As many of you know, I recently went on location to interview a suspected genetic werewolf in his werewolf containment facility or crib.

Like many suspected werewolves, Louis Pine was puzzled about his lycanthropy status after failing to transform under the full moon. He wrote into SOS asking for advice and many of you responded with helpy werewolf hints and tips.

So when he invited me to help him document his lupine life, what could I say? He even had his own camera. I could not refuse. I set my GPS and hit the road.

I travelled to meet Louis this summer in his crib and well  *SPOILER ALERT*  I survive. I can’t say the same for anyone else.

Also if anyone knows the current WERE-abouts of the survivor known as “Louis,” please contact the site ASAP. He’s been MIA for several months now and lots of people are really worried about him.

Graham is helping me finish Louis’ videos to show on the site. I expect to be posting them in the next few weeks. Until then here’s part of my interview with Louis Pine, suspected werewolf:

Thanks for keeping on keeping on with me.

Seth

P.S. More videos coming soon. Ish.

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Filed Under: Survival Videos Tagged With: Angels, cribs, Cyborgs, Humans, Illuminati, Loch Ness Monster, Louis, Louis Pine, Monstrometer, seth on survival, survivor, survivors, Vampires, werewolf, werewolf containment faciity, Werewolves, Witches

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