Homeless Serbian vampire Sara Saranovic has vowed to end his campaign of terror on the village of Zarozje as council finally ordered that his old mill home must be repaired in 2013.
“Finally I can stop terrorizing the village!” Saronovic rejoiced when he heard the news. “I can’t wait to change my clothes and grab a shower, not to mention see my dentist.”
Mr. Saranovic has been waging a modestly successful campaign of terror against the village of Zarozje since December of 2011 when the roof collapsed on the old mill where he has lived for several centuries and his landlords refused to fix it.
Did he forget to pay the rent? Why did his landlords refuse to fix it?
“Why? I’ll tell you why! They said I was a quote, just a ‘lesser known vampire.’ They said, maybe if I were as famous as one of those sparkly American vampires or even old Peter Plogojowitz from up the road then they might consider it. Can you believe that?
Od Pete is no sparkler himself you know. He’s not even properly undead! They dug him up while he was sleeping and staked him through the heart, now all he can do is just lay there!” he added bitterly.
Vampire Saranovic conceded that old vampire Petey still brings thousands of tourists to his village of Kisilova every year, even in his staked condition.
“So sure, Peter is more famous than me, but at least I don’t have a stake through my heart. What kind of unlife is that really?”
Mr. Saranovic figures he has survived better than old Peter because he mostly kept to himself in his old mill house, preying only occasionaly on villagers who came to visit.
“Maybe it doesn’t look like much but it was perfect for me,” said Saranovic. “No heat, almost no windows. Not to mention, over three hundred years of good times with unsuspecting villagers who just wanted to have their grain milled.”
When Saranovic realized only a well-executed campaign of terror would inspire his negligent landlords to act, he consulted well-known Hollywood vampire stylist Jeanne Van Phue for advice.
“To my surprised Jeanne advised me to go non-sparkly, and tone down my preternatural good looks and try to look terrifyingly ugly. For a vampire, I’m sure you understand how hard this would be.”
Saranovic says the hardest part besides replacing his natural alabaster glow of perfect undead health with a gristled and toothless visage was his hair, which is quote, “naturally really awesome all the time.”
But his dedication to extreme uglification regime really paid off when, last month media around the globe picked up the heartwarming homeless vampire story and scared the heck out of his village, causing a run on garlic bulbs, bibles and wooden crosses.
“Nobody wants a homeless vampire around at Christmas. With all those hours of darkness, they never leave!” explains one villager.”We pleaded with council to get his home fixed already!”
Although Vampire Saranovic was pleased to hear that council would order his landlords to fix his home before summer, he has now also demanded that the villages erect a tourist sign bragging about him on the main road into town.
“Maybe I’m still just the second most famous vampire in Serbia, but now I’m the first most famous vampire in this village.”