Doctor Villeda has unveiled a new anti-aging vampire technique that could turn human seniors into new vampire hybrids who pump young blood into their veins to stay young.
An SOS 99.98% true story in progress..
Dr Villeda (below) developed his vampire technique in a stomach-churning experiment performed at his not-so-secret laboratory known to Stanford University insiders as, “The V Lab.” He sewed young mice to old mice and forced them to share blood.
And it worked. At least for one of them. It succeeded in making the old mice younger, cognitively speaking.
But in a new and disturbing vampire research twist there was just one little unfortunate side effect for the young mouse. While the old mouse became younger, the young mouse actually grew older.
How long would this premature aging effect last for the young blood donor? Until all the oldster blood has worked its way out of their systems? Or would they have to find a younger person to feed on? What about traditional vampires? They don’t even make blood. Could they be killed by these aging human-vampire hybrids? Exactly how often would these new human-vampire seniors need to feed on young blood? All of this is unknown.
Now Dr. V has riled up human doctors by proposing to begin testing his new vampire technique on aging humans.
‘Although this may suggest that Dracula author Bram Stoker had ideas way ahead of his time, temporarily plumbing teenagers’ blood supplies into those of their great-grandparents does not seem a particularly feasible future therapy for cognitive decline in ageing,” stated human professor Andrew Randall.
Not to mention young vampires are none too pleased.
“How about I sew Dr. V’s lips to my grandma’s butt?” responded the vampire Carmilla by email. “It’s an abomination. It’s not enough we have to worry about crazy people with wooden stakes now we have to fight these weird reverse-vampire hybrids?”
Although Carmilla agrees that Dr. Villeda’s stomach-churning new research could help some child vampires who really want to graduate middle school, vampires usually become vampires because they don’t want to grow up and they certainly don’t want to grow old.
“Gray hair is pretty cool I guess. But you don’t actually need to sew yourself to your grandma in order to get it.”
So if you are a young person – or a vampire – be on the lookout for this man Dr. Villeda and beware of any grandparents running around with sewing needles.
For my part, I am writing an bracing email to Dr. V right now, requesting that he please NOT sew any kids to their grannies and check out this vampire research from McMaster University instead. I’ll let you know if it works.