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Valentine's Day

V-Day Self Defence

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V Rules To Weather A Psycho Stalker Storm

SlasherRose

 I. When you don’t know the sender, put it in the blender.

Okay I know I just like that because it rhymes. The virtual blender of course. Or brain blender if you will. Unless you have a really good blender, that can accommodate things like flowers and small taxidermy projects, in which case by all means. The point here is just this. Stalkers keep stalking, and stocking, your in-boxes, for as long as you accept it. Do Not Accept. No room on the shelf or screen. Delete.

As cute as that stuffed squirrel may seem at first, send it back unopened.

II. No Friend Zone for Stalkers

Stalkers don’t understand the meaning of friend zone. So no, you can’t really just be friends and unless your idea of a good time is making papier mache hockey masks and dreaming of homicide, never offer to be one. It’s not fair to either of you.

III. BYOH: Always Bring Your Own Hydration Source

Never leave home without your preferred hydration source in hand, properly protected. Two obvious reasons. One, nobody can slip you a unwanted shot of polonium. Two, you’ll be limber and well-hydrated when fan and feces meet.

IV. Safe Way Home

Two things to remember here. One, a safe walk or ride home is not with just anyone you know or anyone bigger or stronger than you who has a car, bike, donkey. If it’s not with somebody you have known and trusted for years, then you’re statistically speaking better off travelling alone or with a true friend at the other end of a connected device.

V. Avoid All Open and Running Water Sources

Why??? Why did they always do it? Go out on the lake? Into the shower? Sit on the toilet? Somehow they always found a reason.

But don’t you. As night falls on this Friday One-Three Part V,  just say no to good hygiene and tempting offers to go midnight fishing. And above all watch out for strangers in hockey masks and coveralls.

As always, your survival is my survival!

Stupid About Cupid Five Myths About the V-Day Demon

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Can you spot a Cupid before you wake up in a Las Vegas hotel with a strange band on your hand and a sinking sense of doom?

Today this supernaturally important question faces us all. Love and its consequences remains  among the most supernaturally mysterious survivillogical forces at work in our universe.  Read on and you may yet survive the V-Day demons who will be out in full force tonight.

Cupids of antiquity
Cupids of antiquity

Or don’t. But don’t email me when you wake up in Vegas married to a giant rock who looked like an elf last night or worse, a zombie stripper who removed much more than clothing.

Learn how to identify a modern Cupid before its too late. Hint: if you are still looking for a naked kid or a dude in an adult diaper, then you have fallen for the five myths about Cupid.

5 Myths About Cupid  

Myth #1: Cupid Flies Around Naked

Let’s get this out of the way. A modern Cupid is not going to make his or her quota from a jail cell facing indecent exposure charges. They know this and take pains to appear dressed at all times. Now we can argue about how dressed they really are, but that would be a waste of time. They have the ability to appear fully clothed and that’s the point.

So how dressed do they like to appear?

Here’s the thing about Cupids. As minor angelic and/or demonic beings – See Myth #4 – they can generate the appearance of whatever clothing they can imagine. So how they dress depends on what they feel like imagining. Most Cupids are pretty flashy dressers who like to change it up a lot so look out for multiple suspicious wardrobe changes and clothes that are just slightly different every time they appear.

And yes, if you do happen to catch a Cupid generating a new outfit, you might inadvertently see some parts you didn’t expect. Like wings and deadly claws, among other things. If this happens, don’t even think about hanging around to see what happens next. You don’t want to know.

The First Cupid Camera
The First Cupid Camera

Myth #2: Cupid is Armed With a Bow and Arrow

Okay yes, Cupids of antiquity were indeed armed with bows and arrows but that’s only because they had a deeper appreciation for metaphor and no other options. Modern Cupids swapped their bows for cameras over a hundred years ago and of course, today’s little demon is digital just like everyone else and has added a computer.

Yes the modern Cupid is a paranormal paparrazo hunting you with his Cupid Camera, not a bow and arrow. Their game is to get you in frame with the love object they have selected for you and then CLICK – say goodbye to your sense and sensibility, at least until you can delete that image at the source.

Myth #3: Cupid Is Blind

Another poetic interpretation. Let’s get this straight. LOVE is blind. Cupid just likes dark sunglasses. For obvious reasons. He doesn’t like to project where he’s looking and who he’s sneaking up on.

Myth #4: Cupid is a Minor Deity

That’s what she wants you to think but trust me, Cupid is no goddess of love.

So what is he? A little demonic dude cursed to the task of germinating  terrible relationships for the amusement of the underworld OR a minor angelic being who has to hook up enough humans to atone for the amorous sins he committed during his time on earth?

The answer here, we now know, is either, or… BOTH. So how do you know which kind of Cupid has you in his or her sights?

The answer is, you don’t. Supernatural survivologists of old used to warn lovers about gold arrows vs. lead arrows and white wings vs. black, but the truth we now know is there are no hard and fast rules. Play it safe and assume there’s probably at least one of both kinds, competing for who will get you first.

Myth #5: There Is Only One Cupid

See the deity myth, above. There can be and there is more than one. There are whole choirs of Cupids, corps of Cupids. More and more all the time. They’re a small but important part of the eternal war for Heaven and Earth. Think of them as underground foot soldiers for the soft war games that enable the higher ups to plan the bigger stuff.

So now you know how to spot a modern Cupid, good luck on V-Day, survivors. Try to stay off Cupid’s Camera – or not, depending on your situation – and remember this one tip if nothing else – Cupids love honey but they hate bees. Keep a fake bee in your pocket and be prepared to throw it when the Cupid Camera appears.

Get the facts about valentines day. From the true werewolf roots of Valentine’s Day to stalker killer survival and the real reason we give Valentines, your survival this full moon depends on it.

V-Day Friday One Three Alert: PSYCHO STALKER STORM

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EXPECT PSYCHO STALKER SQUALL

(SOS/ASAP/WTF) Get out of bed if you dare today, it’s the most most dread day of the year… you know… Valentine’s Day. I mean Friday the 13th. Part V.

Of course I don’t mean part five of one of my favourite movie franchises, which would in fact be scary awesome as opposed to the real scarifrying prospect of a Friday One-Three right before Valentine’s Day. Not one but two unlucky holidays devoted to psycho stalkers, back to back, each amplifying the effect of the other.

Let’s review. St. Valentine’s Day, more accurately known as STALKER DAY, remains the second scariest holiday founded on a grisly public execution that we celebrate. It was actually St. Valentine himself, imprisoned for his heinous crime of marrying young people, who first discovered the obsessive love that still marks the day. The kind of love that can only lead to anonymous flower deliveries, bad poetry, suspicious chocolates, dead pets and/or endless legal wrangling.

At least that’s what everybody brought St. Valentine in prison. Dude was a sitting duck for every love struck loon within pilgrammaging distance of his prison cell. And back then-a-days the logistics of stalking were daunting. Your average stalker had to first train his own snail to deliver his unwanted mail and/or ride for days on end with a load powertools and roses that usually died enroute.

Contrast that to today, when anyone with a valid pay card and a reliable internet connection can become a dangerous stalker with a few clicks and taps lapses in higher judgement and higher emotion. At a time when it has become so easy for anyone to unleash their inner stalker, your life may depend on stalker-proofing this Valentine’s Day. I’m
not saying all stalkers are killers. Some of them are just people hired to refill shelves at night. Some of them are just Graham.

But keep in mind the corollary, a high percentage of serial killers are in fact or were at one time, stalkers. That’s why I urge you today to review FRIDAY ONE-THREE V RULES FOR STALKER SELF DEFENCE.

Asteroid DA-14 Picks Up, Drops Off New V-alien-tines

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With Asteroid da14 due to arrive in the next 48 hours, earthbound aliens around the globe have begun packing their bags and racing to sites in Australia and Indonesia for a chance to hitch a ride home  – making this your last chance to give that special alien in your life a V-alien-tine.

(Unsure if you or somebody you like could really be an alien? Scan them with The Monstrometer to find out for sure. Then read on.)

da14 Bus Arrives Friday

S-type asteroids like da14 serve as a radiation-proof shell for ISTC buses (Interstellar Transportation Corporation buses).

The da14 bus route orbits close enough to Earth to quietly pick up and drop off passengers and cargo, once a year, without all the fuss of landing.

This makes the movement of beings and goods both easier and safer plus the aliens don’t have to worry about parking and maintaining their own crafts with curious humans on the look out.

Aliens who leave earth aboard da14 will likely travel to the Oort Cloud Terminal at the edge of the solar system where they can catch a comet or a space craft to another destination, usually their home planet.

Save the planet – give a V-alien-tine

Most of these aliens are returning to their home planets with reports and recommendations about their time spent on here on Earth. The quality of these reports is then used by their respective species to determine how to proceed in their future relations with Earthlings.

And this year, the da14 bus just happens to be coming on Friday, right after Valentine’s Day.

That’s why, this year more than ever, if you have or know a nice alien, time to come clean and let that them know how you feel with a nice V-alien-tine before it’s too late. It won’t necessarily prevent them from returning with an Earth Obliteration Unit but it can’t hurt to try.

Er, unless you get too close. Do it for the planet! Just don’t get too close!

The True Werewolf History of Valentine’s Day

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Well it’s V-Day again! This year, take a moment out from your annual anti-stalker preparations to recall the ancient werewolf roots of Valentine’s Day – but no more than a moment! That would be highly inadvisable. It’s called Lupercalia and it may not be romantic but it’s 99.99% true, like everything else on this site.

Centuries before Emperor Claudius condemned poor St. Valentine to a terrible teddy bear and chocolate death for the then-crime of marrying heterosexual couples, there were twin boys named Romulus and Remus in Rome. Like many twins, Romulus and Remus created quite a bit of chaos by their birth. Even more so because these twins were the children of demi-gods. Their dad was Mars, the god of war and their mom a forest diety named Rhea Silva.

Twin boys raised by a werewolf founded Rome
Romulus and Remus saved by a werewolf on this day.

As a result, these powerful babies Romulus and Remus scared the emperor. He ordered them  abandoned in the woods and left to die in the middle of winter. He also locked their mom Rhea Silva in a convent.

But the emperor didn’t know that Rhea Silva, whose name means “forest spirit” could still communicate with the animals in the forest. She made a deal with a powerful she-wolf named Lupa that if Lupa would adopt her sons and give them milk to save their lives, that she would share them with Lupa on every full moon.

Lupa agreed to the deal and found Romulus and Remus deep in the woods, roughly on this day in February. She fed them her own milk and this caused the physiological changes that would save their lives and turn them into werewolves on the full moon. So that when they became adults, on every full moon the twins would turn into werewolves and always return to her in the forest.

So how does this lead to Valentine’s Day?

Well when Romulus and Remus grew up they used their powers to found the city of Rome and every year in February, Rome held a celebration in honor of their wolf mom, Lupa. Hence the Roman statue of Lupa feeding her wolf-milk to Romulus and Remus above. This celebration was called “Lupercalia,” after Lupa herself.

On Lupercalia the citizens of Rome would party by making chocolate wolf-milk and stuffed wolf toys and trying to get a date. Except for the werewolves of course, who would transform even if it wasn’t a full moon and retreat deep into the forest together for their own secret Lupercalia celebration, about which little is known.

It may not the most romantic story but it’s 99.98% true.

(Minus the one little missing part where Romulus kills his own brother Remus in a fit of were-rage over where to put the city of Rome. Were-rage. Big problem for the lupine kind. Read more about were-rage here on the werewolves page.)

Seth