Dark yuletidings from parts of Canada and the USA, as the annual battle for the light drags on without resolution this season, the globe is facing the possibility of an official Dark Christmas declaration.
As seasoned survivors recall, keeping the light lit is an important part of Christmas for beings of many denominations around the globe. But the part many have forgotten is this – if the light doesn’t stay lit through Christmas, the dark can be declared victorious and the entire globe will face a Dark Year.
That’s right, an entire year of darkness. No sunrise, no sunset, no fireplace channel on Netflix. In fact, no Netflix at all. Just a fun-filled year of scrounging for firewood in dark scary woods full of triumphant dark spirits who take every opportunity to laugh at you. It’s no fun.
Even vampires hate a year of darkness. And so do I. It’s the main reason I wage my annual defensive decorating campaign, to prevent this situation from occurring. (Well that and I love finely aged tree bacon.)
So what happened this year? Somebody put one too many lights on the Christmas Tree? Not enough Baconsil? Or part of a sinister demonic plot?
With road crews still working around the clock to restore power before a Dark Christmas can be officially declared, the SCIA (Santa Claus Intelligence Agency) is searching for a suspect, an Icelandic terrorist who goes by the name of Kertaskinir (see photo).
The lone man, described as a cross between a troll and a demon, is a known agent affiliated with a local cell known as the Yule Lads who fight on behalf of undisclosed spirits to defeat Christmas and bring a year of darkness and chaos.
Kertaskinir or “Kert” for short, is largely considered the most dangerous of the 13 terrorist trolls. His modus operandi is to strike on Christmas Eve, with a relatively straightforward strategy. That is to say, he goes straight for the lights.
In modern times Law enforcement had stopped taking old Kert seriously. writing him him off as an unsophisticated folkloric candle thief, whose skills seemed limited to Grinch-style tactics of petty vandalism and theft. You know, unplugging Christmas trees and smashing Christmas lights. Nobody suspected old Kert could develop the technology to mastermind a blackout of this magnitude, until now.
Anyone with information about this terrorist troll is being urged to contact their local authorities as soon as possible or leave the info below as
Meanwhile, I invite all survivors to begin preparing for the Dark Year ahead. Starting with this handy little Power Pot. Lucky for me, I found one under the tree this year. Mainly because I put it there but that’s okay it’s all about giving and this is what I gave myself – a pot that boils water and uses that energy to charge your phone or iPod or even your electric rollerskates at the same time. Thank you Seth, your very thoughtful. You’re welcome Seth.
Don’t let the Dark Year ahead get you down! If you haven’t given yourself the gift of this handy electricity generating piece of camp cookery, what are you waiting for?