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SOS Hindu Gods Rising Midlife Crisis or Demon War?

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News from an unexpected pantheon this week, the normally implacable, peaceful Hindu gods have been witnessed in serious training, buffing up and developing new powers for an unknown onslaught against the forces of darkness and/or aging. RamaSlayingDemons

According to the Wall Street Journal, dark changes have been witnessed in the Hindu gods of late as this artist’s rendering reflects —>>>

For decades this peaceful pantheon has focused mainly on keeping calm, meditative watch on tourists to India but now it appears this epoch is at an end, as gods like Rama prepare to wage an unknown war.

Of particular concern to god watchers at the Wall Street Journal is the god Rama, who appears to have donned his old armour and resurrected his army of vanaras, or deadly supernatural monkeys and bears.

“I should have known something was going on when Rama replaced his or topknot with those dreadlocks and started training at night with Lord Krishna,” says Sita, Rama’s wife. “But I just thought he was having a midlife crisis. After centuries of smiling for tourists, I figured he just needed a break. You know before we married he lived alone in the forest and fought demons almost every day. ”

Sita thinks he might be training to defeat Ravana the demon king once and for all.

Rama traded in his topknot for dreadlocks and armour lately.
Rama traded in his topknot for dreadlocks and armour lately.

“He never quite forgave Ravana for kidnapping me that time. Rama could be out for his final revenge.”

However many god observers speculate there may be something bigger at play.

“You know something bad is coming when the Hindu gods rise up,” stated renowned supernatural survivologist Dr. Dominicus Von Buren. “Historically they work well with other pantheons of gods and goddesses. I wouldn’t be surprised if this has a global effort of epic proportions.”

Resolve to Be Immortal in 2014

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Turritopsis Nutricula Ages Backward to Childhood
Turritopsis Nutricula is Immortal – Why Not You?

Should auld acquaintance forget to look any aulder this New Years Eve – watch out you may be partying with an Immortal.

We all have them, that certain friend who never seems to change or age. New Years Eve brings them out. Maybe an imminent Gathering or just to laugh at the rest of us, nobody knows. One thing is sure though. There is most definately more than one. In fact there appears to be more everyday. Why?

A few theories:

Theory #1: Turritopsis Nutricula

Yes, the immortality jellyfish who has defeated death with its infinite ability to age backwards and forwards between adolescence and adulthood. Teams of scientists around the globe have been working tirelessly to unlock the Turritopsis secret and exploit it in creams, elixirs and infusions. Have they succeeded in clinical trials? Does this account for the Japanese businessmen in love with Hello Kitty? Or the middle-aged American women reading Twilight with hair in pigtails? I’d like to know.

Theory #2 – The Methuselah Tree

The earth’s oldest living organism is allegedly an aptly-named Bristlecone Pine in the White Mountains of California. Its GPS remains an official state secret after the ill-fated Prometheus Tree survived 4,844 years only to be mowed down by a sample-happy science student.

Is the Methuselah tree out of the woods? California is reputed to have the highest concentration of Immortals on the planet. Coincidence? Maybe. Maybe not.

Theory #3 – Evolution of Homo Immortalis 

Our ancestors just needed puberty and Dad’s cave for ten minutes to give a selfish gene everything it really wants – immortality in a new little host

Have you seen this chalice?
Have you seen this chalice?

body. But now that humanity has grown more selfish than even its genes, with record numbers declining to participate in the genetic marathon of life, what’s a smart gene to do? Could we be seeing the first of a new breed of Immortals, Homo Immortalis? Afterall if a mere jellyfish can do it, spontaneously develop the genetic ability to just NEVER die, why not a human?

Theory #4 – The Chalice of Hebes

Hebes the Greek goddess of youth is said to have a magic chalice that can summon water from the Fountain of Youth itself. How can you get some? Unclear, but she has been known to bring it out and share this water from time to time for a good reason, like to help win a fight a fight or gain love.

Can she be persuaded to share some youth water with you? Unknown. But well-known fact – Hebe is also famous for her clumsiness and absent mindedness. For instance she has been known to  sometimes completely forget to put on a shirt before going outside.

I’m not saying you should try to trick Hebe into leaving her chalice with you, I’m just saying she might do or in fact have already done this on her own.

What does this mean for you? I’m just saying this New Years, forget about the donut and workout resolutions. Resolve instead to become immortal. Start by identifying and studying one of the Immortals living among us. Get close and learn. Not too close though! You can’t party that hard – don’t even try! Immortals have a vastly different risk-assessment scale.

Then please do report back. We’re not getting any younger!

Global Grinch Gang Grumblings: Protect Your Tree to Save the Season!

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Groans from a gobsmacked globe today – the Grinch is back to his greedy old tricks, grabbing your trees, decorations and gifts. Has his head come lose again? Are his shoes too tight?  No one quite knows all of the reason but read on if you want to save the whole Christmas season.

Gangs of grinches grubbing your Christmas?

The Grinchy grabs began in New York, where hundreds of Christmas trees went missing on the same day, leaving no clues except eye-witness accounts of a truck marked: Grinchscaping Inc. 

Detectives decided the green grubber had likely grown tired of grinching fully-decorated trees up the chimblies one by one and was now using a fake company in an attempt to strangle the global tree market.

His tree plot foiled, the Grinch’s next gambit was even more gruesome – and this time the stories all speak of a twosome! When Christmas decorations began disappearing in Texas, a greenish-haired lady known as “Mrs. Grinch” was arrested.

Unfortunately Mr. Grinch got away and gifts began disappearing the very next day. Reports rollling in now from far and near, California to London: the Grinch has been here! 

“It appears the Grinch is not acting alone anymore,” stated one Grinch tracker. “I don’t care what kind of creature a Grinch actually is, nobody who rides a little dog like Max can move around the globe that fast.”

Is it true? Is our globe in the grips of a Grinch gang grub-grub? What exactly is a Grinch anyway? And more importantly, how can you protect your Christmas gifts?

Well who better and more convenient to answer these important supernatural questions than me, certified Supernatural Survivologist and writer of this article.

Seth: So Seth, tell us what exactly is a Grinch and just how many of them are there around the world? 

Seth: Well Seth, first I have to admit that I have never scanned a Grinch. But just based on his general morphology, phrenology and psychology, I would guess he is maybe half-leprechaun, half-faery. I’m thinking mainly of his green skin, long, many-jointed limbs, his shrinking heart and his general love of shiny things. But I would have to scan one with the Monstrometer to be sure.

Seth: I thought the Monstrometer didn’t identify fairies yet. 

Seth: It doesn’t. Yet. I blame Graham. He’s still going to school you know.

Seth: That’s crazy. 

Seth: I know. How many university degrees do you really need to correctly identify fairies?

Seth: There are a lot of kinds of fairies. 

Seth: I know. But still.

Seth: So what can we do to protect Christmas from these Grinches? 

Seth: Well in the past, Grinches appeared to have a weakness for cute. Unfortunately, Cindy Lou Hoo grew up before anyone could weaponize her cute ray. If you think you have a cute little brother or sister, you could try parking them under the tree for the night to guard the gifts. If you don’t have that option, your best bet is still the spirits.

Seth: You mean the spirit of Christmas that will loosen the Grinch’s shoes and swell his heart? 

Seth: No, I mean the spirits! The tree spirits! The ones who roam around in the cold looking for a nice, nutritious holiday tree to inhabit, The ones who eat all your traditional candy canes and popcorn strands and baconsil and won’t kill you if you feed them enough.

Seth: Ah yes! Traditional holiday baconsil! I have to get mine up before it’s too late. 
Seth: Yes you do Seth. Because those spirits are your best protection from Grinches. Faeries are terrified of the tree spirits. If you fill your tree with fun and nutritious decorations, the spirits will keep the Grinches at bay and prevent any unwanted holiday horror.
Seth: Thanks Seth. I’ll get right on that. 
Seth: You’re welcome Seth. Thanks for keeping on.
Seth: You’re welcome Seth. Your survival is my survival. 
Seth: Yes. It really is.