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New Portable Wormhole Tech Hailed Time Tourism Cheers And Boos

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New personal portable wormhole that fits in your suitcase to terminate time tourism turbulence?

A team of three physicists from Barcelona, Spain unveiled the first functional portable wormhole generator to cheers from survivors of another turbulent time travel season but big boos from the time travel agents who depend on them.

Personal portable wormholes put time travel agencies out of business?
Personal portable wormholes put time travel agencies out of business?

“A theoretical proposal by Greenleaf presented a strategy to build a wormhole for electromagnetic waves..however, an actual realization has not been possible until now. Here we construct and experimentally demonstrate a magnetostatic wormhole,” the team reported here in the journal Scientific Reports. 

While Doctors Jordi Prat-Camps, Carles Navau and Alvaro Sanchez refuse to claim their suitcase-sized wormhole generator (photo below) will revolutionize the time tourism industry, disgruntled time travellers everywhere have high hopes that it will do nothing less.

“Look, I paid for a simple ancestry vacay to prevent my little brother’s conception. Is that too much to ask?” comments one such disgruntled time tourist. “Instead I woke up stranded in the Triassic, not a single hot tub device or Tardis to be found.”

In his lawsuit against the time travel agency in question, the tourist writes that, “After almost drowning in a monsoon, I would have prayed for a dinosaur to come and extinct me… but not even a dinosaur would set foot in that poopy epoch.”

While this tourist and his agency continue to fight over a refund, he and other survivors like him are vowing to purchase a personal portable wormhole unit like this one before taking a chance with another tardy time travel trap next year.

But will the suitcase wormhole really do for time tourism what mobile cellular technology once did for computing?

Not surprising time travel agents want to deliver dire warnings to would-be wormhole buyers.

“Do you see any temporal or geographic control settings on the device in this photo?” writes one angry operator. “Exactly! There are none. So how can it even send you to the correct place, never mind the right time period?”

“At least we get the approximate geography right 99 percent of the time. It’s really not our fault if your family tree hasn’t evolved yet.”

Leap With One Eye Open Midnight June 30

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Sleeping is Leaping at Midnight On Leap Second Night

As your clock counts down to the June 30th leap second time correction a reminder here from SOS – don’t you be caught s-LEAPING at midnight.

Why is Seth leaping on sleeping, you ask? Because it’s a nice rhymey thing to say?20150619-213329.jpg

Well yes but no not just that. I’m talking about the leap second, when time will tick back one whole second, creating temporal terror with the risk of paradox and/or quantum entanglement and/or lost time travellers who may or may not be Future You CODE RED LEAPER ALERT.

Don’t you wake up trapped in an alternate timeline on July 1! Spare a second now to review some basic leap second safety rules.

Leap Second Safety

1. Don’t Fall Asleep

This obviously is the most important rule. Keep your eyes open. When the clocks tick 11:59 you might even want to stop blinking. Anything can happen and you need to be ready.

2. Feet on the Ground

Yes I mean this literally. No jumping. I know that in the past I may have encouraged survivors to take advantage of a leap second to do a little time hopping using a simple backyard trampoline for a temporal springboard.

But following a raft of reports about temporal trampoline accidents I am rolling back time on this one. I now wish to deny any evidence that being suspended in mid-air the exact moment of a leap second will enable you to time jump. That’s tight. There is no way that jumping up at the exact moment lets you jump to another leap second either in the future nor in the past. That’s just silly. So don’t even try it!!! Whatever you do, please, keep your feet on the ground.

3. Stay Away from Mirrors, Cameras and Hot Tubs

You might not think your life is that great right now – or maybe you do – but even if things are overly awesome right now for you I guarantee there’s some Other You out there who wants your timeline because theirs is worse. So don’t give them the chance to swap places with you. Stay away from devices and situations with obvious time portal potential like open mirrors, cameras and of course hot tubs.

Time Travel Tips How to Speak Stone Age

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Ever been trapped in the wrong époque following a terrifying time travel debacle? Say you appeared wrapped in a toga with a skin of chocolate milk on the Savannah when what you really needed was a loincloth pelt and a good club?

Tips for Talking to the Stone Aged
Tips for Talking to the Stone Aged From Scientists

You’re not alone. Time travel accidents are a common occurrence, especially during the dark season when our urge to wander grows strong, so here on SOS we try to arm you with the info you need to survive awkward temporal situations like this.

Luckily, science has contributed a breakthrough in Stone-Age linguistics this week. That’s right, a dictionary for Stone-Age communication.  Today we present to you a four talking points:

TOP 4 STONE AGE TALKING TIPS

1. WHICH WAY HOME?

They had a limited vocabulary, so you don’t want to waste time on small talk with a Stone Ager. Get right to the point and ask the DAM way home.

No I’m not swearing. (Science has yet to decode the Stone-Age swear dictionary past, “AAAAARGH.” “DAM” just means home. Try that. Of course, you may end up at his home but hey, you might also score a hot pot of shrunk-head stew.

2. HEY CAN I BORROW YOUR HORSE?

There’s plenty of evidence the Stone Agers kept horses. For a quick getaway, you might need to borrow one. The term,”AK-WOS” means horse to a Stone-Ager. Be careful how you say it though because scientists say that, “WOS” means animal in general. If you leave off the “AK,” you could end up with a bear or a sabre-tooth tiger. And although that might be cool, it won’t help you ride to your render-vous point.

3. GOT ANYTHING TO EAT, DRINK?

Of course if you’re stuck out there a while, sooner or later you’re going to need a snack and these two words could save your life. “PEL” means a skin, which combined with the action of drinking, could score you a slug of something. I’m not going to guarantee water or that you’ll like what you get but you should get something. For food try, “PA.” That’s right the earliest word for father could also be used to refer to food.

Of course “PA” also meant father so it could create some confusion. Like you could be telling your new Stone Age pal that you’re their dad. Which might come in handy too and could theoretically be true.

4. GOT A LIGHT?

The nights get cold out there and you’ll need to keep wild animals away, so knowing the word for light could save your life. If your flinting skills are not up to snuff, try asking for a light with the word, “BHAL.” Technically you are asking for the blazing sunlight here but with an appropriate gesture it should get your point across.

Other words meant light too, like “LUH” which as you can guess meant the full moon and then there’s “DIW” which meant daylight but start with “BHAL” and see how it goes.

Good luck out there time travellers. And remember, if you are of the ilk that uses chocolate milk to down the time travel fatigue, you’ll still need to bring your own as Stone Agers were not known to herd brown cows.

Time Traveller Transplanting Magic Fruit Trees

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Magic fruit trees bearing up to 40 kinds of fruit at one time in the United States this week are revealed to be the work of a known time traveller, who travels back to ancient Egypt for his source, seemingly with no regard for either the temporal or supernatural ramifications of his actions.

Sorcerer Sam Van Aken invented a time machine to transplant magic trees
Sorcerer Sam Van Aken invented a time machine to transplant magic trees

When 16 fruit trees which just look like ordinary trees bloomed with up to 40 different fruits, across the USA last week, the world smelled magic – until the true sorcery was revealed.

SOS can reveal that notorious time traveller Sam Van Aken has finally confessed this week the true source of his sorcery was not magic at all, but ancient Egypt.

“They appeared on hieroglyphs,” Sam finally admitted to a reporter on NPR before revealing these photos of his secret time machine.

Sam hides his time machine in a horse trailer.
Sam hides his time machine in a horse trailer.

sam_van_aken_time-machine_5Sam, previously known to me as the only time traveler to hide his operations in this metal horse trailer, claims he was guided by hieroglyphs to bring these ancient magical multi-fruit trees forward, and place them in high-profile locations across the country.

While delighted tree tourists around the world may enjoy the fruit of his labor this week, his flagrant violation of time smuggling laws has left temporal law enforcement in a tizzy.

“I’m pretty sure the guy didn’t declare that in his luggage,” stated one time border official.”What part of no plants, food, drugs or mystical artifacts law did he not understand?”

While Sam defends his practice by insisting he doesn’t take the entire tree, just cuttings, Egyptologists are not so sure.

“If these trees appeared in hieroglyphics, the question you have to ask is why? Was it a warning to us in the future about the disappearance of these magical trees?”

Meanwhile, Supernatural Survivologists like ahem, me for instance, want to warn the world about the potential danger posed by these fruit trees.

“Putting aside the documented inflammatory effects of eating magical fruit, ancient Egyptian arboreal artifacts are chiefly a source of dangerous demigod magic,” stated Seth Greening, still the fifth most popular popular and first most reliable Supernatural Survivologist on the Internet.

For more info about demigods or about the notorious Sam Van Aken and his time machine, follow the links.

 

 

Get Ready to Leap: Leap Second Saturday

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 Time Travellers worldwide prepare for Leap Second, on June 30th. Look before you leap!

Atomic clocks like this add leap second on Saturday

Survivors are probably already aware how Earth’s atomic clocks create a time gap of about 2 milliseconds every day. And that time tinkering scientists store up these milliseconds until they have an entire second to put back in the time continuum, creating an ideal time travel opportunity for any trained time tripper with an atomic device.

Tomorrow this will happen at 7:59:59 (EDT), or one second to midnight Universal Standard Time.

So what exactly do you need to leap on this timely opportunity? A simple can of Chernobly or a shiny Delorian?

The exact requirements remain a closely guarded secret, but true rumors today describe this: if you are IN THE AIR ie: leaping, at the EXACT moment the second is added, then you can land WHEN you want.

Easy right? In this case, all you ready need is an atomic clock monitor and a good pair of shoes. Just jump high enough and time it right and you’ll come down when you want.

But how do you control when exactly? That’s the real trick. What separates the true time travelers from the rest of us. And what if you live in a place that used to be the bottom of a lake or an ocean? Times can be tough!

There are other dangers. In 2008, the last leap second, there were reports of would-be leapers injured on so-called “time travel trampolines.” Sure trampolines extend your air time which helps ensure a big jump, but what happens when you land BEFORE the trampoline was invented? Not to mention if you get stuck in the springs? Broken legs, that’s what.

And then how do you leap back? A lot of survivors forget about this. Without an atomic clock handy, how will you ever get back to tomorrow?

Even with your own atomic wrist-watch, it could still be a year and a half before the next leap second. Do you really want to spend a whole year and a half fighting dinosaurs? Laugh if you want, but it has happened on these pages before.

So please remember to look before you leap. And please leave any tips you hear for the rest of us.

Time Travel Island: Birthday Protestors Stay Put

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As Samoa Island officials prepare to wake up from a national time travel experiment that effectively cancelled today December 30, a group of 775 Samoans are refusing to budge. These so-called “Birthday Protestors,” are vowing to celebrate and even remain in December 30 forever if need be.

“It’s my birthday! You can’t just cancel my birthday!” writes Samoan Birthday Protestor Karl Mayne, leader of the protestors. “I had a traditional Samoan slap dance and wrestling match planned. Besides what if everybody wakes up on December 31 and now I don’t exist? What then?”

One of 775 Samoans refusing to time travel.
Birthday boy Karl refusing to skip today despite the risks.

Recall that Samoa, in a move designed to simplify relations with key trading partners Australia and New Zealand, is leaping forward as we speak, to December 31 – New Year’s Eve – at the stroke of midnight tonight. Friday December 30 December 2011 will simply not exist.

However 775 people born on this day, fearing a time paradox that could result in a massive un-birthday, are refusing to go to sleep, despite the temporal risks.

While Prime Minister Tuilaepa Sailele Malielegaoi is speaking out against the protest, warning the Birthday Protestors against the dangers of being stuck in a so-called “lost day” forever.

“If you do not take the pill and join us by midnight, you will be left behind for ever and never see your families again.”

Samoan Prime Minister warning Birthday Protestors
Samoan Prime Minister warns Birthday Protestors they will be left behind forever

The Birthday Protestors do not appear worried.

“Who cares if I get stuck forever in a so-called lost day,” says Karl. “Then every day will just be my birthday! How wicked is that?”

Prime Minister TSM has reportedly invited Samoan national Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson to help wrestle the Birthday Protestors into tomorrow.

For more than a century Samoa has been one of the last places to see the sun go down each day. The dateline switch means it will become one of the first to see the sun rise on New Year’s Day, and every day.

Island of Time Travellers
Lost tribe of Birthday Protesters will be stuck forever on December 30