Unless you want to wind up shrink-wrapped on a foam tray, now more than ever you need to know how to identify a potential Cannibal Convention before you book time off to attend.
Sure we all dream of a week off work or school in a swank hotel with an all-day buffet but convention coverage from THE HATTER, this week has uncovered yet another covert cannibal convention, this time in Great Britain. With convention season officially upon us, how will you know if that invite is for something more sinister than sharpening your shoe sales skills?
Three Signs That Convention is For Cannibals
1. Is It Being Held in A Remote Location?
If the location of that convention is anywhere more remote than Branson, Nebraska – which successfully lobbied to be taken off the official list of Cannibal Convention site – think twice before you click ACCEPT.
Why are Cannibal Conventions normally held in remote locations? Well besides the obvious scream insulation factor, cannibals can’t convene twice in the same location. Why? Thankfully a still-strong cannibalism taboo tends to over-ride local greed in most instances. Well that and cannibals are terrible tippers and notoriously messy eaters.
If you’re not sure about the location of your convention, use this rule of thumb – which is a 99.98% guaranteed fully baked thumb-rule – if you have to take more than two means of transit to attend and/or if that transportation is being arranged by the convention organizers? Suspect a cannibal convention trap. In particular if there is a cruise ship involved, think twice. Cannibal Cruise lines comes to mind in particular but there are others including the ghost ship Lyubov Orlova this week.
2. Exotic Menus?
Most conventions will publish the buffet menu in some form. You need to have a look. If the names of the dishes all begin with a description of how they have been cut, this is normally a clue. Giveaway words include: diced, sliced, hacked, and sawed. Especially when combined with adjectives like stuffed and/or specific body parts like head, shank or foot and/or proper nouns like: Bob, or Karen.
Let’s not talk about meatballs in any form.
Another menu clue is a misguided interest in your eating habits generally. If you’re looking for the check box that indicates you are a vegetarian and all you can find is one labelled grass-fed or grain-fed? Guess what. What’s on the menu is you.
3. Suspicious Sessions
If the convention info you receive focuses less on the content of the convention than on convention amenities, suspect cannibal conventioneers at work. Massages and spa treatments might be fun but when you notice wide drains in the hotel photos and plastic wrap on the bed, resign yourself to remaining at work that week instead. Hopefully it will be a slower bleed.
Did you take all these tips and still find yourself at a cannibal convention? Read more information about cannibal survival here. Your survival is virtually guaranteed.