I was contacted last week by self-proclaimed “AOL Reporter,” David Moye to investigate the appearance of a so-called “unicorn” cow in China. Apparently this cow has been causing quite a stir among the locals who trek from miles around just to wish on its most prominent horn, the one in the center of its head.
I told Mr. Moye of course I would check it out (I had to deliver a pizza to Chinatown anyway so I thought hey might as well) but I warned him that many species on earth proudly sport a mono-horn throughout their lives, from the beautiful Narwhal with its eight to ten foot long spiral horn to several species of horned insects. My point being that the species we have come to think of as true unicorn is much more than a horned beast.
A true unicorn, as we all know, is a proud and dangerous killing machine with dangerous or curative properties in its majestic mono-cerote. Since antiquity the unicorn horn has been used to cure disease, determine the innocence or guilt of accused criminals at trial and – little known fact – a single ride on the unicorn’s back is said to restore virginity to regretful girls in advance of marriage.
Not to mention recently, unicorns being deployed in the ongoing fight against zombies. Likely due to persistent rumors that a single goring through the temple can cure ZSE. But that’s another story.
Before you read Mr. Moye’s story on AOL (link below) which he MOSTLY got right, I would like to tell you what really happened in China. After several days on a bicycle, Mr. Jia himself stopped to pick me up in his red Buick Excelle and took me right to his farm in Baoding, where a handful of villagers were already lining up to touch this alleged unicorn cow. I got in line behind a man missing one hand and an attractive Chinese girl who seemed to have absolutely NOTHING wrong with her… so you know why she was probably there! Of course I did not point this out to her.
Plan A was to simply scan the cow with The Monstrometer – but I got about halfway through the questions with her before realizing, I had forgotten to ask Graham to program the Monstrometer for unicorns. (Lucky for me, the cow didn’t seem too offended when the answer came up vampire.) So I had to resort to Plan B – interview the line-up of miracle seekers “PRE” and “POST” unicorn cow caressing, to see if they had in fact been granted relief from their afflictions by her magical monocerotic properties.
Unfortuntely though my Mandarin is even rustier than my Cantonese – and don’t even get me started on my Min! Point is, I couldn’t understand a word of it. Which leads me to the obvious conclusion that this is NOT in fact a unicorn cow, as any REAL unicorn cow would have obviously provided these supplicants the transcendent ability to communicate their condition to me. Not to mention the ability to count to three. Which is the number of horns the cow ACTUALLY has growing out of its head!
But I still wish I could have stayed long enough to see that girl ride that cow.
The link to Mr. Moye’s article about the alleged unicorn cow is here:
And now I’m wondering if should add “UNICORNS” to the Monstrometer, just to avoid this kind of confusion in the future.