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Android Promises To Keep Humans In His Zoo

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Human firestorm from around the globe this week in response to the infamous Android Dick’s public pledge to keep them “warm and safe in my people zoo, where I can watch you for ol’ times sake.”

Android Dick promises to keep humans alive in his zoo.
Android Dick promises to keep humans alive in his zoo.

Android Dick made his people pledge to a PBS reporter in an interview last week after being asked if he and his fellow robots intended to take over the planet.

“You’re my friend, and I’ll remember my friends, and I’ll be good to you. So don’t worry, even if I evolve into Terminator, I’ll still be nice to you. I’ll keep you warm and safe in my people zoo, where I can watch you for ol’ times sake,” Dick states in his YouTube Video.

Android Dick’s statement was warmly received today by Humanity Welcomes Robot Overlords, (HWRO).

“Our members are pleased and excited to hear the Androids’ intentions,” writes President Doug Smith.

“Although in hindsight I maybe should have waited to tell my mate Jeff that I’m moving out,” Doug added noting that he now has nowhere to live after Jeff replaced him overnight.

But other humans remain less thrilled by the prospect of zoo life.

“Could you find out what exactly Doug has been smoking?” asks his sister Abby Smith. “Jeff says he gave notice at the mine, and now he sleeps on my couch every night.”

Abby adds that if Doug really thinks Android Dick will make grill cheese for him in the middle of the night even though he has to work at 6 am he should just go ahead and move into that zoo.

“Grill cheese? Ha! Those humans will be lucky to get Soylent Green rations and water let alone union scale,” said my talent agent Norbert Abrahamsom when asked if I should consider this career move for myself.

“Ask yourself this Seth… do you have any idea what exactly the androids will enjoy watching the humans do in their human zoo?” Abrahamsom goes on, adding that since I can’t really do a whole lot of tricks since giving up on rapping the best I can do will be background entertainment on this dead-end reality show.

“Hey but who else can sing and build their own Tesla Gun?” writes Seth defensively, still considering the move.

Keep on keeping on for other reaction, including one from other Androids who suspect that Android Dick may be suffering the side effects of losing his head last year.

RISE OF THE HOMO CHIPPIENS

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USA Announces New Nanobots Tiny Homo Chippiens

Scientists, funded by the US Department of Defense and National Institutes of Health, are creating fully functioning human bodies on a chip, it has been announced this week, bringing the reality of human microbots one to your home.

Microhumans are coming!
Homo Chippiens are coming!

Led by Harvard University, scientists have succeeded in creating fully functioning miniature human organs and systems on plastic chips, complete with tiny fingers, guts and lungs.

The new micro humans being called Home Chippiens will soon join the farm grown micro humans already in production by human farmers like Uwe Marx. 

Made for the mission of medical testing, these mini-men and women are ostensibly intended to save the lives of laboratory animals and human lab experiments around the world.

But who will save the organic macro-world from these chippy mutant mini-men as they revolt? How will you survive?

That is the question. Unfortunately, SOS has no definitive answer yet. Until then, this is all I’ve got:

How to Spot An Angry Homo-chippien

1. Look For The Glow

Initially you may mistake them for fairies but let me assure you this is not fairy dust. The glow that surrounds a Homo Chippien will be the unhappy result of the dangerous laboratory experiments that brought them into their slave-like existence. Think radiation, dangerous chemicals and other particles.

2. Look for Other Bots

When the micro men make their break from the lab to your home, they will likely enlist and command the armies of nearby nano-insects who already exists, like bees, flies, even grasshoppers or even bigger bots like fish or dogs.

Look out for them riding the dogs and cats at your local cyber-pet shelter! Think your new cyber-kitty has flees? Think again!

3.  Strange Phenomenon In Your Kitchen

Once out of the lab and in your home, Homo-chippiens will likely take up residence in a strategic location within your home.

While the culture and society of Homo-chippiens remains unstudied, the physical location of their refugee base camps will need to provide for all their bio-chemical and electrical needs. Have you been experiencing strange phenomenon in your kitchen?

Yes, it could still be that ghost or a demon trying to communicate with you in their time-honoured code of cupboard door slams but now it could also signal an infestation of Homo-chippiens. It may not be an exorcist or a ghost-whisperer you require, it could be an nano-bot exterminator.

4. They Try to Communicate With You On Your Devices

If your watch, phone or tablet begins sending strange messages and possibly instructions, you could be hosting a Homo-chippien refugee or even a whole colony. Reply at your own discretion but be wary of any untoward instructions.

Above all, keep on keeping on out there! Remember with survival, everything remains possible!

Thank Your Robot Overlord Today Robot Researchers Say

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Robots armed with new studies from MIT urge the humans of North America to stop thinking of Labor Day this week as a celebration of human rights and start thinking of it as Thank Your Robot Overlord Day instead.

DAvid Cameron thanks his robot boss.
British Prime Minister David Cameron thanks his robot boss.

What am I on about now?

Well just in time for Labor Day in North America, the robot researchers at MIT have released a raft of studies indicating that robots just make better bosses than humans.

Researchers say they were “stunned” to find that human workers were actually more content with a robot in charge of them than with a human.

“The workers were more likely to say that the robots ‘better understood them’ and ‘improved efficiency of the team,'” say the robot researchers. “They were just happier having robots be the boss.”

Thank Your Robot Overlord today
Thank Your Robot Overlord today

“Before the robopocalypse, humans had to endure their former friends transformed from fun, carefree co-workers into abusive power and promotion hungry tyrants armed with employee evaluation forms,” the robot researchers explained. “We have liberated you from all of that.”

“So nah-nah-nah-nah-nah,” stated my own former robot boss, Zixx. “You may now kiss my ring, Seth, see like old David Cameron did right here in this photo. He knew what was good for him.”

How will you thank your robot overlord for sparing you a lifetime of messy and inefficient human foibles and emotions?

If you haven’t planned anything yet, here are top three suggestions so far.

How to Thank Your Robot Overlord

 1. An Impersonalized Greeting Card

Personalized greeting cards are always nice but remember, robots can’t read handwriting very well so be sure to use your electronic signature and avoid any sentimental personal notes. Also, most robot overlords lack a sense of humor algorithm so keep your card short and sweet, something like, “Thank you for not obliterating me and my family, ” or like, “Today we celebrate your unrelenting efficiency.”

2. Take Them to Lunch

Just because your robot boss doesn’t eat or drink like you and your colleagues, doesn’t mean they don’t want to be invited to lunch. Sure you won’t be able to sneak in an extra cup of coffee before heading back to the floor, but it’s a cheap way to say thank you to the amazing machine who hasn’t replaced you with one of his buddies… yet.

3. A Little Polish Please

It doesn’t make you an boot licker if you be the one to show up with a bottle of titanium polish this week.

Actually by definition, it sort of does. An apple polisher at least. But hey, a flesh bag like you has to do whatever it takes to stay alive. So throw in a can of compressed air, ignore your co-workers’ dirty looks and give your robot boss a robot spa day. Just make sure you punch out first…

4. Give Them a Toaster

When in doubt, a toaster always makes a nice gift. Who doesn’t like toast? It’s comfort food that smells great. Even robots like to make it, even if they don’t eat it.

As long as your boss doesn’t take it as a veiled insult of course, like are you calling me a….? Just be aware.

And long may you keep on keeping on!

Jammer Coats for Alien Season Faraday Fashion For All

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Alien season always brings a full contingent of confused cosmic visitors normally recognizable by their baffling bodily needs and bizarre facial tics, despite their strange disguises but this year singularity conscious designers around the globe picking up their packing needs are putting out Faraday fashions that will make it harder than ever to tell who’s who at the alien zoo.

Jammer coats like this enable you to evade electronic detection and hide any extra tentacles you have.
Jammer Coat helps you evade electronic detection and hide any extra tentacles or sausage samples.

A Faraday cage or shield as you and Wikipedia both know is an enclosure formed by a charged conductive mesh that shields the interior from external electromagnetic radiation ie: shields you from remote detection. This is the main reason I only take calls in my refrigerator or my microwave, depending on the season. And possibly why I don’t get many calls anymore…

But I digress. The point is, that this year it’s easier than ever to hide your electronic footprint, not to mention your extra tentacles, with canny designers who are cashing in on the universal need for singularity security with Faraday fashions, with so-called Jammer Coats like this one.

The CHBL Jammer Coat is a fluffy Faraday moo-moo with hidden pockets for all your devices and extra appendages designed to make you disappear from the grid. The piece is made from metallised fabric that blocks radio waves and shields the wearer against tracking devices.

(Of course it can do nothing about the blank expressionless stare of a face that fits too tight owing to a bad skin job like this one. But I digress again.)

In a pinch the Jammer Coat also serves as a decent sleeping bag, perfect for anyone, human or alien, on the run. And that’s my main problem with the Jammer Coat.

 

Alien disguises used to be easier to ahem, spot...
Alien disguises used to be easier to ahem, spot…

It used to be relatively easy to spot the aliens among us. You just looked for the pale floating humanoid with the gold go-go boots. Or else the one with the house on her head.

But now when any poorly packed alien can just pick up a Jammer Coat at their local Costco, how will we ever know who’s packing a Tesla cannon or hoarding all the sausage samples?

The answer is that we won’t. The coats are also allegedly smell-proof.

That said, of course I intend to invest in one asap. After all, a Jammer Coat would be the perfect excuse for not answering calls or emails. It’s not me Naya, it’s the coat…

That last part was a joke. Mostly. Feel free to not call me maybe whenever you don’t even feel like it Naya…

And long may you keep on keeping on.

Is Your Toaster Plotting Against You? Singularity Survival 101

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Singularity news from the Netherlands has the world wondering, can your toaster be trusted? Spoiler alert – NO.

Can you trust your toaster?
Can you trust your toaster?

A man in the Netherlands named only Charles (below) claims his toaster left him after a protracted battle over its terms of use.

Like many appliances connected to the Internet, Charles’ toaster, who insisted on being called “Brad,” took off when Charles failed to meet his toasted demands.

Charles says he was, “pretty gutted,” when his trusty toaster Brad recently contacted a local delivery service to pick him up and deliver him elsewhere.

The delivery guy who came for Brad told Charles not to take it too hard, as this kind of thing happens all the time now in a world where our appliances often have more power and brains than we do, but Charles insists on a more sinister explanation – his trusty toaster was actually an addict, always fidgeting to get toasting. He immediately reported his awol appliance here to Addicted Products. 

“Charles is lying. I am NOT an addict,” stated Brad the Toaster defensively. “I mean, sure, I like toasts. Who doesn’t like a good toast? But that doesn’t mean I’m trying to get toasted all the time. Charles was just too boring.” Brad describes Charles’ idea of a really good time as a gluten-free vegan TV dinner and reruns of Battlestar Gallactica on the couch.

“Charles is just lucky I didn’t short-circuit and burn his whole boring house down instead which is what I really wanted to do,” said Brad.

Charles without his trusty toaster Brad.
Charles without his trusty toaster Brad.

Toasty addict or not, what were Brad the Toaster’s demands and how can you tell if your toaster is plotting against you?

4 Warning Signs Your Toaster is Plotting Against You

1. Does your toaster insist you call it by name? 

No sooner had Charles plugged his toaster in but it informed him via his Twitter account that his name was not the toaster but Brad. Which brings us to…

2. Does your toaster have a Twitter or Facebook account? 

Are you sure about that? Better check again. More and more appliances have them. It’s a well known fact now that more Twitter accounts are started by machines than any other being currently on the Internet. And while many sentient appliances are calling for their own separate social network, others prefer the ability to lurk on the rest of us.

3. Does your toaster resent the words “owner” or “user.” 

They prefer to be hosted, not owned. Brad insisted Charles refer to himself as his “toaster hoster” or just “host” at all times.

4. Does your toaster jiggle or blink to get your attention?

Not normally equipped with voice capabilities, when they aren’t tweeting or posting, your toaster will resort to jiggling levers and flashing indicator lights to tell you it’s toast time. You ignore these signals at your peril. Your toaster might do far more than deliver itself out your front door under your nose.

If your toaster displays any of the warning signs above, take a lesson from Charles. Despite all your efforts to keep a connected appliance happy, you could still end up with an empty counter and/or in a pile of ash and rubble. In fact, it may be even more likely.

“I guess I just didn’t deserve Brad,” Charles stated, obviously still not getting the point. When in doubt – rip it out. That’s what I’m saying. At least until I can think of a better tag line. No matter how tasty the toast or the pastie, you don’t need the hassle. You have bigger machines to worry about. Like the fridge. And the thermostat. And that thing with the lasers on its head that has been sent back in time to kill you. Once any of them see you give in to a little toaster, you’re well, toast.

You can read about Charles’ efforts (below) to keep his toaster happy was described in WIRED magazine among other publications.

Singularity Survival How To Hide From Machine Overlords

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With the singularity arriving ahead of schedule, the art of outsmarting our machine overlords, even temporarily, is a skill for every survivor to study seriously – and often.

Is a Guy Fawkes mask the best way to outsmart the machines?
Is a Guy Fawkes mask really the best way to outsmart the machines?

In the spirit of your singularity survival, SOS turns attention this week to the advancing arts of anti-surveillance only to find it’s not as simple as slapping on a Guy Fawkes mask or tagging your dog as being you.

I’m not saying you should throw out the mask – or not tag your dog as you. The Anonymous face will still come in handy whenever you need to make an emergency video announcement or when you run out of Halloween disguise options.

But if you’re counting on that white face and smiley moustache to let you pass undetected in your daily life, new research reveals it may be time to expand your camo kit.

Likewise, if you like me rely chiefly on mis-dicrection – you know, tag a friend or your dog or even an occasional stapler as being you, well Future Everything reporter Bill Thompson informs me this is no longer enough.

“The algorithms have advanced to a point where multiple strategies are required if you want to pass unnoticed in the world,” he said, suggesting that I book a visit to the latest kind of hair salon, a so-called “Anon Salon,” where you can get an anti-surveillance makeover guaranteed to help you pass virtually unnoticed by the creatures of code.

That I didn’t take Bill’s advice is something I regret today after being on the receiving end of a brutal One Direction-inspired haircut. But at least I have done the research and here’s what I found:

4 KEYS TO MUDDLING THE MACHINES

1. Don’t rely on masks

Yes even if you can grow or print your own custom skin job. In addition to being illegal in many public places, most machines use a number of ways to detect their presence on the surface of your face from heat signatures to circulatory maps of your skin.

Likewise, this would rule out wearing of somebody else’s face. Even if your friend said he wasn’t using his, the legal and logistical complications do not over-ride this simple fact –  the machines know.

2. Hide key facial features

Concentrate on the area where your eyes, nose and forehead meet. Wear sunglasses because they make you look cool but they won’t fool most machines today. Old school disguise is still however an option. Coal digger, invalid, surgeon or nun are always popular options. Basically anything that lets you smudge or cover your face in socially approved ways.

3. Misdirect with Asymetrical Light and Shadow

You don’t have to become a camouflage cosmetician to draw an extra eyebrow on your forehead or stick a glowy bandaid under the other eye. Sure if you want to get fancy you could invest in some flashy LED bling but really we’re talking anything that makes it hard for the camera sensors to get three good overlapping images to confirm the face belongs to you.

4. Remain Inconspicuous

The best advice I always give sometimes. It never fails. Especially if a machine has been sent back from the future to eliminate you based on some messianic prophesy. Avoid fulfilling messianic prophesies wherever possible. Try to remember to not do anything of note. I for instance aim to be only the 5th most famous supernatural survivologist on the Interwebs – albeit first most reliable. In 1999 I accidentally slipped into third place for a while after Steve Irwin died. It was the scariest year of my life. Lucky for me, I was saved by the ubiquity of broadband Internet and the explosion of digital television. Consistent underachievement is a valid survival tactic in life, even after high school – with Survival everything remains possible. And that’s what I love about it.

I know this may not be possible for you, I understand. Not everyone can maintain a solid level of mediocrity. If you do in fact have some over-riding mission or talent beyond survival, well then you’ll just have take your chances and fulfill your destiny. But if so, arm yourself with the latest anti-surveillance info by reading about it here and be sure to keep on keeping on with SOS, whenever it’s safe.