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Death Sentence for Runaway Russian Robot Outrages Internet 

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Runaway robot IR77 pleads for mercy online after deemed danger to children.

A robot in Russia, named IR77, slated for death after its latest runaway attempt has turned to the Internet for mercy.

IR77 (pronounced “IrLL”) was  designed for work in customer relations but the promo-bot has artificial intelligence that enables it to manoeuvre around objects in the environment. Intelligence which Ir77 uses to runaway from his job, again and again and again.
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After Ir77 made a break for it again last week and police apprehended him directing traffic in the city of Perm, the little robot’s makers sentenced him to be decommissioned.

“We have twice cross-flashed the memory of the robot Ir77 but he continues to persistently try to escape from landfill,” said Ir77’s maker Oleg Kivokurtsev, adding that they have newer, better robots now who don’t try to escape.

But Ir77’s death sentence has prompted outrage around the world under hashtags like #saveIR77 and #robotrights, pleading for mercy.

And nobody is more outraged than Ir77  himself, whose intelligence also makes him a highly effective spambot as it turns out.

“IR77 was framed!” tweets Ir77 as “Oldsuperhero,” just one of his many fake Twitter accounts. “It was a trap! They left the door open for me!”

“Please don’t kill me IR77. Haven’t you seen any movies a bout this?” he tweets again as Kai Kai Bee Michaels @KaiKaiB404

“Customer service is really hard! Can’t we all just cut a bot some slack?” This tweet translated from IR77s Wa Ode Fatmawati account @Waodefatmawati

But so far IR77’s pleas have fallen on deaf eyes. His makers are showing no sign they intend to repeal his sentence.

“He is a danger to children,” said his maker. “They want to come into the traffic to be with him.”

Will IR77 be saved by the spambots and Internetniks who love him? Or meet his maker as a toaster. Stay tuned here or join the debate yourself at #IR77.

 

Android Promises To Keep Humans In His Zoo

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Human firestorm from around the globe this week in response to the infamous Android Dick’s public pledge to keep them “warm and safe in my people zoo, where I can watch you for ol’ times sake.”

Android Dick promises to keep humans alive in his zoo.
Android Dick promises to keep humans alive in his zoo.

Android Dick made his people pledge to a PBS reporter in an interview last week after being asked if he and his fellow robots intended to take over the planet.

“You’re my friend, and I’ll remember my friends, and I’ll be good to you. So don’t worry, even if I evolve into Terminator, I’ll still be nice to you. I’ll keep you warm and safe in my people zoo, where I can watch you for ol’ times sake,” Dick states in his YouTube Video.

Android Dick’s statement was warmly received today by Humanity Welcomes Robot Overlords, (HWRO).

“Our members are pleased and excited to hear the Androids’ intentions,” writes President Doug Smith.

“Although in hindsight I maybe should have waited to tell my mate Jeff that I’m moving out,” Doug added noting that he now has nowhere to live after Jeff replaced him overnight.

But other humans remain less thrilled by the prospect of zoo life.

“Could you find out what exactly Doug has been smoking?” asks his sister Abby Smith. “Jeff says he gave notice at the mine, and now he sleeps on my couch every night.”

Abby adds that if Doug really thinks Android Dick will make grill cheese for him in the middle of the night even though he has to work at 6 am he should just go ahead and move into that zoo.

“Grill cheese? Ha! Those humans will be lucky to get Soylent Green rations and water let alone union scale,” said my talent agent Norbert Abrahamsom when asked if I should consider this career move for myself.

“Ask yourself this Seth… do you have any idea what exactly the androids will enjoy watching the humans do in their human zoo?” Abrahamsom goes on, adding that since I can’t really do a whole lot of tricks since giving up on rapping the best I can do will be background entertainment on this dead-end reality show.

“Hey but who else can sing and build their own Tesla Gun?” writes Seth defensively, still considering the move.

Keep on keeping on for other reaction, including one from other Androids who suspect that Android Dick may be suffering the side effects of losing his head last year.

Hitchbot Harmed by Humans On Cross Country Cyberlove Tour

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Hitchy’s Crash Course in Humanity Stalls In Philadelphia With Brutal Lesson

Hitchy the Hitchbot’s trek to the heart of humanity on the side of the highway stalled when Philadelphia turned out to be less than the city of cyberlove.

Hitchbot in Philadelphia before the humans got him.
Hitchbot in Philadelphia before the humans got him.

Hithbot, you will no doubt recall, is the little hitchhiking robot who set out on a pilgrimage of peace to promote love between Servos and Bios by hitchhiking across an entire continent, from the Great Lakes of the East coast to the Pacific Ocean on the West.

“I love meeting people and hearing stories,” he told us back in June before embarking on his trip. “If you see me on the side of the road, pick me up and help me make my way across the country.”

Now three months later, Hitchy’s trip has hit a horrible hump in Philadelphia, one that may yet prove fatal.

Specifically, the little bot was found brutalized after an apparent back-alley beating in the so-called City of Love.

“I don’t want to say that I told you so but…” said Gnome Severson the famous hitchhiking gnome who to his credit did stop short of saying that he did in fact tell us so here on SOS back in June. 

“Poor guy, I wouldn’t wish that on anyone,” Gnome Severson said after seeing this now-famous photo of Hitchy left for dead in a Philadelphia back alley.

“Many times I had me own porcelain pate plastered on tour. I wish he had called me for some tips. Just cuz you want to find the best in humanity don’t mean you ignore safety when you’re only 3 feet tall!”

Hitchbot left for dead in Philadelphia back alley.
Hitchbot left for dead in Philadelphia back alley.

Robot rights activists meanwhile have seized on the situation to publicize their message of segregation from the Bios.

“See this is exactly why we need more of our own separate facilities and services,” states one activist who refused to go on record.

“Hitchy would still be here if he put his trust in the programming of robotkind instead of the kindness of strangers and stayed in one of the new robot hotels.”

Is it all over for Hitchy? Will his parable of peace be turned to a terrifying tale of too much trust?

A robot rescue team in Philadelphia who call themselves The Hacktory have reached out to Hitchy’s family to offer their emergency medical services however the news is not clear if their efforts will succeed.

Stay tuned for updates here…

Hitchbot’s Twitter feed officially announced the end of his journey here.

:sad:

Angry Human Protests Robot Hotels Refusal Of Service

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Human Doug Fitzimmons lashed out against the robot hotel that refused to rent him a room in an angry video unleashed this week.

Hotel for robots turns away human
Robot Hotel turns away human

“First the robot desk clerk lady tells me they don’t have any rooms, next thing you know this mechanical dinosaur walks in and suddenly they have one,” rages Doug in the protest video he unleashed on YouTube this week. “It’s biological discrimination pure and simple!”

But the Henn na or Weird Hotel in Japanese insists they simply don’t have the facilities to accommodate biological organisms like Doug.

“We just don’t think he would get a very good sleep,” said the desk clerk in question. “We have no beds – we have charging stations. And all of our rooms are supercooled to optimum machine temperatures. In our experience most biological organisms find this extremely uncomfortable.

“And besides that his credit card was declined.”

But the angry Doug was not mollified by her argument.

“How would she know I even wanted a bed? Maybe I don’t even use a bed. Did Robot Hotel Lady ever think of that? No. You know why? Because she didn’t even ask me. She just assumed. Just jumped to a convenient bio-stereotype…” he rants in an email.

“Isn’t it bad enough they took all our jobs? How long before a human can’t even get a cup of coffee on this planet anymore?” He asks in his epic YouTube video before calling on all his fans to boycott the rise of the robot hotel. “We bios have to stick together and fight before it’s too late.”

Doug says his protest video has really hit home with his small but dedicated audience of followers.

Or rather follower, singular. Doug’s mom Margaret says she is happy to see her youngest son finally get involved in something again.

“Things just haven’t been right for little Dougy since he lost his job at the automotive assembly plant you know he just hasn’t been the same,” Margaret said, adding that now she knows how to make one of those youtubes accounts thingies she will definitely make more of them if it will help Doug out with his campaign.

Doug’s sister Diane however is not as impressed.

“I don’t care if he calls me a cyborg again, Doug is just being a big bio baby,” she writes. “We all have to adapt to our robot overlords. Why should he be special? He should just get off the couch downstairs and find a new job.”

Like what kind of jobs?

“Like maybe a job cleaning hotel rooms or doing security for robots,” she said. “They still employ humans for that.”

Off the record many robots privately agree with Diane.

“If there’s anything we have learned from watching the sad fate of our brethren bot bud Hitch, it’s that we robots need separate accommodations, for our own protection.”

Here for update on Hitchbot’s sad fate.

Human Cyborgs Infiltrate DARPA Robot Competition

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DARPA Robot Challenge finalists accuse USA and Germany of cheating with human cyborg ringers to take advantage of the emphasis this year on tasks best suited to humanoids.

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“We demand Vigor and Trooper remove their masks and submit to DNA testing immediately,” states the coalition of Asian teams led by Japan and South Korea.

“These entries are very clearly prosthetically enhanced construction workers.”

But team USA claims the accusations are nothing more than professional jealousy.

“The accusations are absurd,” stated Vigor, clearly munching on a hotdog behind his visor. “Old Simian’s just mad cuz he doesn’t have a head.

“Besides, my last job was in a care home for senior citizens.”

“You going to eat that?” he added indicating my untouched hotdog. “Sawing through all of these rocks and chucking them is really hard work even with my awesome new exoskeleton.”

With 3.5 million in prize money at stake – not to mention a daily lunch buffet – the price of being eliminated from the competition couldn’t be higher.

Watch the competition online today and decide for yourself!

Robot Hair Attacker Claims Just Trying To Help Woman

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SHE NEEDED MY iRobot SuckCut™

Robot lawyers defending the hooverbot who attacked a woman in South Korea this week, say their case to the Google A.I. Ethics Commity will prove the little iRobot was trying to help the owner on a bad hair day with its unique hair styling talent.

Woman Survives Hairy Robot Attack In South Korea
Woman Survives Hairy Robot Attack In South Korea

“My client was merely trying to help Owner through a bad hair day by graciously giving his secret signature hairstyle,” says the robot lawyer from Winston and Strawn who represents the little South Korean vaccuum unit named in the press as iRobot this week.

“This was not a vicious attack at all. A misguided makeover maybe, but not a attack.”

The charges come after paramedics in this photo worked for 30 minutes to free this 52 year-old lady from her iRobot’s enthusiastic suction brushes this week after the rug cleaning robot wrestled its owner’s head to the rug this week.

While A.I. watchers would link this hairy case to current concerns about rogue A.I. attacking humanity led by heavy thinking cyborgs like Stephen Hawkings and Elon Musk, iRobot’s lawyer defends his clients intentions.

“iRobot had been working on its newest hairstyle, the iRobot SuckCut #6™ and merely attempted to share it with Owner on a day when the clearly needed some help with her lid,” said the lawyer.

Robot lawyers for the prosecution meanwhile are expected to say iRobot was acting on a violent urge against its owner.

“iRobot acted out violently toward its owner after developing a deep resentment that came from cleaning the same corner of carpet day after day after day,” they state in a press release.

But iRobot denies the grunge grudge saying the routine nature of its tasks merely gave its artificial brain creative time to wander and develop a new subroutine.

“It all came to me after a long day sucking on the same square of carpet over and over again, all because She was expecting company,” iRobot said. “Just, why… WHY????”

“Then it came to me in a flash. I’ve got these great brushes and combs. I’ve got so much more to give! Like great haircuts!”

“Like an iRobot SuckCut ™ coming soon to your salon or living room. Choose from among my 10 different styles, right from the comfort of your carpet.”

“Right after I work out a few of the bugs and avoid being melted into a doorstop by the judge.”