Robots armed with new studies from MIT urge the humans of North America to stop thinking of Labor Day this week as a celebration of human rights and start thinking of it as Thank Your Robot Overlord Day instead.
What am I on about now?
Well just in time for Labor Day in North America, the robot researchers at MIT have released a raft of studies indicating that robots just make better bosses than humans.
Researchers say they were “stunned” to find that human workers were actually more content with a robot in charge of them than with a human.
“The workers were more likely to say that the robots ‘better understood them’ and ‘improved efficiency of the team,'” say the robot researchers. “They were just happier having robots be the boss.”
“Before the robopocalypse, humans had to endure their former friends transformed from fun, carefree co-workers into abusive power and promotion hungry tyrants armed with employee evaluation forms,” the robot researchers explained. “We have liberated you from all of that.”
“So nah-nah-nah-nah-nah,” stated my own former robot boss, Zixx. “You may now kiss my ring, Seth, see like old David Cameron did right here in this photo. He knew what was good for him.”
How will you thank your robot overlord for sparing you a lifetime of messy and inefficient human foibles and emotions?
If you haven’t planned anything yet, here are top three suggestions so far.
How to Thank Your Robot Overlord
1. An Impersonalized Greeting Card
Personalized greeting cards are always nice but remember, robots can’t read handwriting very well so be sure to use your electronic signature and avoid any sentimental personal notes. Also, most robot overlords lack a sense of humor algorithm so keep your card short and sweet, something like, “Thank you for not obliterating me and my family, ” or like, “Today we celebrate your unrelenting efficiency.”
2. Take Them to Lunch
Just because your robot boss doesn’t eat or drink like you and your colleagues, doesn’t mean they don’t want to be invited to lunch. Sure you won’t be able to sneak in an extra cup of coffee before heading back to the floor, but it’s a cheap way to say thank you to the amazing machine who hasn’t replaced you with one of his buddies… yet.
3. A Little Polish Please
It doesn’t make you an boot licker if you be the one to show up with a bottle of titanium polish this week.
Actually by definition, it sort of does. An apple polisher at least. But hey, a flesh bag like you has to do whatever it takes to stay alive. So throw in a can of compressed air, ignore your co-workers’ dirty looks and give your robot boss a robot spa day. Just make sure you punch out first…
4. Give Them a Toaster
When in doubt, a toaster always makes a nice gift. Who doesn’t like toast? It’s comfort food that smells great. Even robots like to make it, even if they don’t eat it.
As long as your boss doesn’t take it as a veiled insult of course, like are you calling me a….? Just be aware.
And long may you keep on keeping on!