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Friday the 13 Fears Follow City’s New Number Law

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Canadian City Fears Friday the 13 As Unlucky Number Returns

Vancouver city residents in fear today as a planned reversal of Friday the 13 preparedness planning brings back unlucky numbers including the number 13 to all city buildings — just in time for Friday the 13.

“We’re just putting a normal mathematical sequence back into building design,” says Chief Building Officer Pat Ryan.

Ryan, who denies working with both the psychopathy and witch communities to bring back unlucky number 13 calls it a question of public safety.

Ryan says that missing floors pose a danger to emergency services like police and paramedics who would arrive to find them gone.

But at least one Vancouver resident says he would rather face the treacherous void of a missing floor on Friday the 13 than a chainsaw in his face.

Friday the 13 brings UFO WTF
Friday the 13 brings UFO WTF

“There’s always hope someone can free you from a void…but a missing face? That’s a tough one,”  said Brian Jones who lives at what was formerly 1414 14th St. Now 1313 13th St. “Psychopaths don’t fool around on Friday the 13.”

This Friday the 13 it’s not just psychopaths and witches bring the bad luck back to Vancouver – it’s a UFO known as WTF1190F on collision course for Earth this Friday the 13.

“With my luck I fully expect to find my home crushed by this UFO at 13:13 tomorrow,” said Brian who is reviewing his personal Friday the 13 action plan as we speak.

Yawn Test Exposes Psychopaths Says Scientists but Yawning Flaw Remains

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Science and psychopaths expose yawning flaw in new yawn test

A new test to reveal potential psychos by yawning in their faces to see if they yawn back is welcome news to both survivors and psychopaths this week, who reveal the real yawning flaw.

Out potential pyschopaths with a yawn
Out potential psychopaths with a yawn test

When a Baylor University study showed how potential psychopaths do not
catch group yawn contagion because they have no empathy, survivors everywhere began conducting secret secret yawn tests.

“I told my parents the swim teacher here was a psycho when kids started disappearing but they didn’t believe me!” said a Crystal Lake camper named Samantha who organized her entire swim class to yawn- test the instructor. “Then I proved it with this video. See how we’re all yawning at the same time, right in her face? Well she never, ever yawns back!”

“Now my parents say if I survive maybe I won’t have to come back next year.”

“I guess they couldn’t get their money back.”

The new yawn-test study was unexpectedly welcome news to the psychopathic community too.

“So that’s why everyone has been yawing in my face!” said Camp Crystal Lake’s psychopathic swim teacher. “For a while I thought maybe I had to starting killing kids ahead of schedule to avoid boring them to death instead!”

Instead the psychopathic swim teacher intends to stick to her original killing schedule of one or two children every night until the final spree that will finally eliminate Samantha.

“Also maybe I’ll sign up for that new yawn-faking workshop the camp director is giving for staff,” she added.

Meanwhile Supernatural Survivologist Seth Greening reminds survivors when it comes to detecting supernatural threats in your environment, there is no substitute for his handy free diagnostic app The Monstrometer.

“Your survival is virtually guaranteed, 99.98% or your money back!” he promises.

Revenge of the Giant Bunnies

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Los Angeles – Photos of menacing bunnies hopping in from all over the world today.

I know it’s Easter, a solemn occasion we mark with eggs and chocolate ostensibly provided by a powerful bunny-like creature but survivors, if your chocolate comes hand-delivered by a lurching Leporidae disguised as leader of the safety patrol, or a vicious chihuahua riding a giant rabbit (below) just say no.

All over the world giant rabbits wreaking havoc.

What’s going on here? Well recall rabbits have been animals of prey for tens of thousands of years. Imagine, twenty thousand years of other animals eating you. That can really get to a species.

Now imagine your best defense strategy is freezing, thumping your tail and making lots of little leverets to try and beat the odds aka: the you-can’t-kill-us-all! defense.

Likewise, the humble Chihuahua has been the brunt of jokes for at least as long. Is this the year together they finally wreak their revenge on us all? This photo from England today shows them teaming up to stop traffic and terrify firefighters.

If you see either of these suspicious rabbits, just run. I can not stress this enough. Do not accept the chocolate. Do not snap a photo. Do not text “OMG’. Okay well maybe the photo. But then run. Just make sure that you email me the photo!