The Mummies Are Angry!

CAIRO MUSEUM – Jan 30: News from the Egyptian insurrection; it’s time for an old-fashioned mummy resurrection!

Reports filtering out of Cairo despite the lack of Internet, indicate that besieged dictator Hosni Mubarak may turn to ancient mummy magic to regain his hold on the people demonstrating in the streets against him for over a week now.

“It’s no surprise that Mr. Mubarak would turn to the past for help. Egyptian rulers have always used the gods to strengthen their hold on the people,” Says Egyptologist Geraldine Pinch. “Not to mention the gods themselves. Remember the very first mummy resurrection in history. Isis gained the power of magic from Thoth when she re-assembled the 14 scattered pieces of the dead Osiris.”

(Although the actual number of pieces may have been only 13, due to a certain missing organ which Isis had to make out of gold. But the point is that Isis was the first to discover the power of mummy magic, which in turn enabled her to be a mummy, giving birth to her son Horus.)

Now that Mubarak has officially stepped down in Egypt, can the mummies help Mubarak make off with his money?

“There is no way for you to know if the opening of the mouth ceremony was performed correctly or not,” writes one researcher of ancient languages and paranormal history who goes by the name Paranormale on the site @

Egyptologists and researchers like Pinch and Paranormale are pitching in all over the world to recreate the scene of the crime and determine if the world must now prepare for the upsurge in mummy magic and which kind exactly.

Until we know for sure, my advice is don’t wait to find out! if the opening of the mouth business worked or not.


Breaking Mummy News: Mummy Resurrection Alert

More Breaking Mummy News: Secret Society Tries to Trap Mummy Missing From Great Pyramid

Both mysterious and deadly, the mummy is often categorized as a zombie with a heart and who can argue with that? Mummies are after all, a kind of a reanimated human who shambles after you, trailing dirty rags and strings of goo.

But there’s one vitally important – or should I say mortally important – difference between mummies and zombies. Mummies as you probably know, were not created by a biological process but a mystical one. In fact, while websites and museums, movies and games all compete to describe the process of mummification: the washing, the removing of all vital organs except for the heart, the long process of wrapping and desiccation – none of them will tell you what you most need to know about mummies. Namely how to survive an encounter with one. Or worse, what to do if you wake up and you ARE one!

While I have yet to encounter one outside of a museum setting but it’s something I think about a lot lately. Ever since Sam told me some crazy story about mummies… something about the Egyptian goddess Isis who invented mummification to reanimate her murdered husband Osiris, who came back to life eternally pissed-off at his brother whose name apparently was, ah, Seth….!

Needless to say, I’m working on this one. And if your name happens to be Seth too, then I would urge you to vote for adding mummies to the Monstrometer. And if you are a mummy? er, IT WASN’T ME!