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Siberian Sea Monster Mystery on Shore of Ancient Island

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Sakhalin sea monster mystery after oil company unearths sacred artifacts.

Strange sea monster washes ashore after artefacts unearthered.
Strange sea monster washes ashore after artefacts unearthered.

When the remains of a big hairy, long-nosed sea monster washed up on the shore of Sakhalin Island last week, Russia said it was likely a dolphin.

A giant, furry, dolphin that probably flew there from India, to be exact.

“I can confidently say that this is some kind of a dolphin,” stated the government official. 

“However, it has fur. It’s unusual. Dolphins do not have any fur.”

Er, and yeah. How would it get here again? Understatement of the year Mr. Nicolay Kim. Understatement of the year.

Survivors, I ask you, does this look like a dolphin?

A furry dolphin?
A furry dolphin?

If you answered maybe, please, take a closer look here at the fur.

Does it still look like a dolphin?

I urge you to consider this.

According to Nivkh legends, Sakhalin Island is actually a giant beast sleeping on its belly.

When the beast awakens it trembles the earth causing massive earthquakes, waking other beasts around the world.

Has somebody –or something- awoken the Sakhalin beast? Has it begun calling other beasts to its side?

Before accusing me of supernatural superstitiosity on this one, consider these facts. Sakhalin has been visibly upset lately, with two massive earthquakes and dozens of smaller ones over the last six years. Ever since an oil company began digging up an astonishing number of ancient artefacts in the course of trenching its offshore pipline.

We’re talking hundreds of artefacts here,  so many that nobody is even keeping track anymore.

“The sad thing is that it feels like a rush job, with so much material coming up so quickly that they don’t know what they are looking at,” blogs one archaelogist here.

Sakhalin is steeped in history and mystery, believed by many to represent the lost intersection of at least three ancient worlds including Asia, Russia and the aboriginal Americas.

In addition, Sakhalin is known for its mystical, labyrinthine cave formations, the Vaida Caves.

Sakhalin famous for mystical Vaida caves.
Sakhalin famous for mystical Vaida caves.

So until we know more about the artefacts that have been unearthed from the belly of this beast, I would rule nothing out.

Not even giant furry dolphins flying over from India.

Noisy No Nessie Blame Game After Loch Ness Monster’s Vanishing Act

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Fingers are flying following Nessie the world’s most famous mermonster vanishing act from the Loch Ness in 2013 after nearly a century of dependable appearances.

A community desperately seeking Nessie
A community desperately seeking Nessie

So get your finger ready to joint the fight and consider carefully from the options below who you think is to blame.

(Please remember that all individuals named are innocent until proven guilty so please practice safe finger pointing. Especially Nessie Hunter George Edwards, below, who emailed me a few times using several large legal words.)

First, the background. Loch Ness Monster researcher Gary Campbell stunned the world last week when he announced that the Loch Ness Monster has now been officially missing for 18 months, the longest no-Nessie stretch in over 90 years, leaving the world to wonder who or what could be responsible.

Suspect #1: Nessie Hunter George Edwards

The name says it all. He hunts. Nessie.  Oh I know he says this means just trying to shoot the cryptid with a camera but then why the enormous, refrigerated hold in the belly of his boat, complete with blowgun?

In an email to me last year Captain Edwards denied that hold was for fish to feed the beast after another Nessie-debunkologist accused him of actually feeding Nessie so what exactly was Captain Edwards planning to store down there?

Suspect #2: Adrian Shine

Captain Edward’s arch enemy and Nessie debunkologist likes nothing better than trying to prove every Nessie photo a fake. When Captain Edwards publicly called him a pseudo-scientist, did Mr. Shine go from Nessie kill-joy to Nessie killer? Killing Nessie would be the only way Mr. Shine could be 100% certain there would be no Nessie in the Loch Ness.

Suspect #3 in the case of the Disappearing Nessie
Suspect #3 in the case of the Disappearing Nessie

Suspect #3: Charlie Sheen

Mr. Sheen, a self-declared warlock with tiger blood in his veins, among other substances, freely admits flying to Scotland last June to hunt for Nessie.

While Mr. Sheen later publicly stated that he failed to find the famous mermonster, ask yourself this one question – is this the face of a man whose public statements you should trust? ‘Nuff said.

Suspect #4:  Magnetic Island, Australia

At first glance only one man seemed guilty here – the man who took the now famous Lost Nessie photo (below), Mr. David Herron.  Mr. Herron runs a wedding celebration company on beautiful Magnetic Island where he brags about having planned over 1500 unique and memorable wedding ceremonies and prides himself on his pull-out-all-stops reputation when it comes to pleasing the clients. Was Mr. Herron under pressure to produce a Nessie-themed wedding? It seemed likely to me.

But further investigation reveals the whole island’s 200-odd inhabitants appear to be in on it. Jealous of Scotland’s tourism success, did Magnetic Island hatch a Nessie breeding plot to make their own monster reputation? Was this a cold case of cryptid kidnapping?

Suspect #5: Nessie

Famous "Lost Nessie" photo.
Famous “Lost Nessie” photo.

Let’s face it, Nessie’s not getting any younger. He – or she – has gamely performed for tourists on a random schedule for over 90 years. Did Nessie finally have enough?

☆ ☆ ☆

It goes without saying that you of course can make up your own mind, but me I’m especially interested in numbers 4 and 5. In fact, I’m hoping to get a lift to Australia later this week so I can look into it. If I can just get Graham to pack me properly then I’ll call FedEx and ask for Urban Squatch later this week.

Why Did The Mermonster Play With Its Food?

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Why did the Kraken, a tentacular ancient mermonster reported to eat whales and sometimes entire ships, play with its food?

Why did this famous mermonster play with its food?
Why did this famous mermonster the Kraken play with its food?

An American scientist has a fascinating new theory, along with startling new evidence this week about the ancient mermonster known as the Kraken.

That’s right, the Kraken is rearing its many tentacles around the world again this week.

From its scaly roots in ancient lore where this most famous mermonster was sometimes thought to be a beautiful woman cursed by the gods and other times the demigod children of Poseidon, to a university in Massachusetts today where a scientist named Professor Mark McMenamin has revealed new proof about the existence of the ancient mermonster along with an interesting new fact that it did something very bizarre with the bones of its food.

The professor says he has found the ichthyosaurus bones of a Kraken’s lunch arranged into very unusual patterns and shapes. The odd configuration of the bones, he said could only have been put that way by a much larger predator, like a Kraken who were known to be over 100 feet long.

“There is virtually zero chance the sea’s currents could have moved these bones into such an arrangement,” he told a meeting of geoscientists, adding that octopus are also know to do this with their prey.

So the question of the day, why would the Kraken play with its food?

With cryptozoologists and supernatural survivologists around the world now working to try to answer that question, here are the prevailing theories, for your consideration:

Did a mermonster turn these dinosaur bones into art?
Did a mermonster turn these dinosaur bones into art?

1. Kraken, like other advanced species, were artists at heart, trying to express something deep in their scaly hearts or possibly just trying to spruce up their lairs to impress potential mates.

2. Kraken, like most other enchanted and/or cursed beings, would be desperate to find the way out of their condition. Is this evidence of a spell in progress? Or an attempt to communicate the details of her situation to an outsider?

3. Kraken, like anyone eating the same old ships and sailors century after century, sometimes get bored with their food. Can you blame them for playing with the bones?

What do you think? Check out the photo that Professor McMenamin studied. It shows the arrangement of ancient dinosaur bones.

Angry Mermaids Coming Soon to a Pool Near You Be Prepared

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Do you know the policy of your local pool on the matter of mermaid admission? If not, it’s high time you check it out! Florida mermaid Eden Sirene is making waves around the world this week because of being banned from her local pool, drawing attention to the lack of meaningful mermaid regulation in pools everywhere.

Pool initiates no-fins policy, denies her entry
Pool initiates no-fins policy, leaves Eden Sirene high and dry.

Ms. Sirene’s hometown pool in Fishawke, Florida has introduced a strict no-fins policy this week, raising the ire of the dangerous Free Florida Mermaids or FFM.

Do you know what an angry mermaid becomes? That’s right, a siren. In this case, an angry siren with the last name Sirene! Will an angry Ms Sirene be coming to a pool near you?

I, like you, actually called my local swimming hole yesterday as soon as I heard the news, only to discover to my shock and horror that not only is there no NO-FINS policy at my local pool but there isn’t even an official mermonster evacuation protocol in place.

According to pool manager Mr. Glen Molina, they don’t currently have a mermaid problem at their pool ~riiiight~ so, “the matter just hasn’t come up.” YET, Mr. Molina. The matter hasn’t come up yet. Of course if you wait for the matter to come up from the murky depths of that filter, it may already be too late. You will have already subjected unwitting bathers to the presence of an angry mermaid turned siren or worse, a mermonster.

That said, it must be acknowledged, even by me, that swimming with a mermaid or even an angry siren is not the same as say, being swallowed whole by a mermonster like I in fact was not two weeks ago. In fact, a number of humans pay good money for the thrill of this, or so I am told. So, should you by accident or design find yourself swimming with a mermaid or angry siren, at least be armed with the following tips:

Safe Swimming With Mermaids
  • Wear earplugs, at all times. When that siren song comes shrieking out on the waves, you don’t want to end up writhing in agony on the shoals of your local pool.
  • Wear goggles at all times, even when you’re not underwater. That way she can’t tell where you’re looking. An angry mermaid will not appreciate being stared at and you don’t want to see all the creative things she can do with her bling, trust me. We’re talking secret ultrasonic weaponry here.
  •  Stay out of her way. Do not try to pull her tail. That pretty blue tail moves with incredible force and could launch you to places you don’t want to go. Like the public change rooms.
  • Got fish on your bathing attire? Watch out. What do you think they eat? I assure you their underwater vision is not as good as you might hope. Time to invest in a new bathing suit.
  • Do not challenge her to a race. You will lose. Or a diving contest. You may win that one but you won’t win the water battle that follows, in which she drags you down to the bottom of the pool and doesn’t let go.

Heed these rules and keep your community mermaid safe.

(If you’re a mermaid, please stand by for summer safety tips to avoid the mudification that may arise from being banned from your local pool and forced into the forest.)

Mud Maid in the Shade Forest Revenge or Mermaid Spells Gone Wrong?

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Every year a certain number of overheated survivors head to the woods seeking shady relief from the Dog Days heat in the trees and mystical waters there, only to never be heard from again.

Why? Undoubtably some get lost and/or eaten by fire ants and/or tigers but  for others, like Sue Hill below, a stranger and more terrible, but arguably more relaxing, fate awaits.

SOS is still on the trail of the true story of the mudmaidification of Sue Hill and her brother Peter. Please stand by and stay out of the woods until we know more.

An SOS truer-than-true story about the mud maids…

Sue Hill
Sue Hill Went Into the Woods One Day…

 

Who’s Feeding the Loch Ness Monster? The Mystery of Nessie’s Food Source

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Another bitter battle over Scotland’s most famous mermonster, the Loch Ness monster or Nessie for short, this time as researchers accuse local tour operators and hoteliers of feeding the world’s most famous cryptid in an effort to increase tourism.

Is it true? Have so-called Nessie hunters like George Edwards really been feeding the beast – or beasts? If so, what or who have they been feeding Nessie? And how long can the Loch Ness monster – or monsters – really be maintained? How long will it be before it – or they! – get too hungry for even the dedicated tour operators of Drumnadrochit to maintain?

Nessie hunters hired by hoteliers to feed the beast?
George Edwards, Nessie Hunter or Nessie Hugger?

Nessie researcher Adrian Shine claims to have worked for over four decades to solve the mystery of the Loch Ness monster, what kind of monster it is exactly and what it must be eating out there in Scottland’s deepest lake.

“Talking about a creature or possibly creatures of that size here in the loch, you need to talk about potential food sources and about the fact that there’s just not enough food in the Loch Ness in terms of fish left to support a creature or possibly creatures of that size. Who or what exactly could be feeding this monster anyway?” he said, stopping just short of pointing the finger at his rival, Nessie Hunter George Edwards and his tour operator friends, pictured here.

Could it be true that Mr. Edwards is not really hunting Nessie at all but actually feeding and caring for a dangerous mermonster, all for the sake of tourism dollars? If so, is he working alone or with help from other tour operators and hotel owners? And what exactly is he feeding her or them or it?

Contacted for a reply, Nessie Hunter George Edwards categorically denies Mr. Shine’s inferences that he and his mates are secretly feeding the monster known as Nessie and further Captain Edwards questions Mr. Shine’s scientific qualifications to assess a real mermonster’s dietary needs.

“Firstly, who is Adrian Shine? In fact he is a former London printer who has been making a living out of Nessie for many a year,” he writes. “All of my passengers return safely after thoroughly enjoying their time with me – check out our Trip Advisor reviews!”

Loch Ness boat skipper George Edwards

True enough, in ten pages of Trip Advisor reviews of the Nessie Hunter, there is not a single mention of missing or eaten passengers.

There is a suspicious quantity of sonar surveillance equipment, fridge space and very detailed and thorough knowledge of Nessie and her habits noted again and again but no sign of a single harpoon-type weapon such that would be required to bag a monster the size of Nessie.

And you can’t ignore the fact the first reported sighting of Nessie took place in the 7th Century when an Irish monk allegedly fought off a mermonster in the act of eating a lone man on the River Ness.

Or the fact that Scotland has the lowest population density in all of Europe. A graph comparing the Scottish population growth to that of England and Wales looks very suspicious indeed. So maybe Captain Edwards isn’t feeding Nessie his precious tourists. That probably wouldn’t be a smart business decision. Where do all the missing Scottish people go?

Is Nessie feeding on the Scottish population?
Is Nessie feeding on the Scottish population?

The Loch Ness monster has been seen and photographed many thousands of times in many different ways by many people over the centuries including George Edwards himself whose photo of Nessie (above) has been deemed by a panel of independent experts to be the best and most reliable Nessie photo yet. Yet Captain Edwards still claims to be hunting the beast…

Sound suspicious to you yet? Me too. But before planning your trip to Scotland to get to the bottom of the matter, be sure and review your basic lake monster survival safety.