SPRING THAW ZOMBIE SURVIVAL TIPS!
If you’re a survivor living north of the 46th parallel or planning a trip thereabouts you should know that it’s an especially dangerous time of the year.
While the sun may be shining longer (creating less of a deadly window for vampires and other nocturnal monsters) and the trees may be flowering (some with incredibly useful occult herbs and reagents!) all this nice, warm weather is bringing out more than just dirty hippies playing hacky-sack.
The northern zombie hordes, colloquially known sometimes as “melties” are thawing out.
That’s right, survivors. If you’ve fled north to get away from an encroaching itinerant zombie horde, you’re in for a spring surprise if you live anywhere south of Iqaluit. All those masses of decaying, shambling corpses you so craftily avoided during the winter because they froze solid are now defrosting and are yet again becoming an active threat.
But! Fear not, Northern Survivors! With these simple Zombie Survival Tips you’ll make it through this sunshiney, terrible time of year.
TIP #1: Watch Your Step!
Zombies, just like humans, will lose their balance and fall over when frozen solid. Odds are the zombie won’t be standing up! This means that several embarrassed zombies are probably face down in the mud, hidden by tall grass. They may or may not be able to correct this situation and could remain mired in the muck until August if you don’t disrupt them. So, remember, always watch your step, and if you hear the sound of ice crunching, make sure that there isn’t any zombieflesh under it!
TIP #2: Use Your Nose!
Zombies smell. This is a well-known fact. So keep your nose prepared! If you get the whiff of decay on the air, take that as a signal that there may be heretofore undiscovered ghouls nearby. On a similar note for the later summer months, if you’re in an urban center, make sure to train yourself to know the difference between regular stinking summer-in-the-city garbage smell and the awful, gut-turning smell of the undead. They’re pretty similar.
TIP #3: Pace Yourself!
Zombies are usually slow, but after several months of being frozen, those grossified kneecaps are even more shamble-y! You probably don’t have to run to get away – take your time to remember tip #1 and watch your step while evading recently unthawed zombies!
Of course, these tips only apply to avoiding frozen zombies that have been reanimated via magical or demonic means. If you’ve got a zombie horde that’s been re-animated by some kind of horrifying super-scientific black-ops chemical reagent or trioxin, you probably have nothing to worry about. As the undead flesh constantly freezes during the night and partially thaws during sunny winter days, the water in the zombie’s cells slowly evaporates, making them unable to function even in their undead state.
Essentially, freeze burn sets in and the zombie’s body is slowly destroyed! Good for you! You’ve avoided the undead menace! With science!
Of course, I’ve received unsubstantiated reports that certain extra-governmental agencies such as Area 51 have stepped up their game when it comes to Cold Weather Weaponized Zombie research. It’s possible that if the zombie was artificially able to create “glycoprotein,” a natural anti-freeze, they may be able to remain functional in sub-zero temperatures!
The lesson here survivors, is remain ever vigilant, as always! Don’t make the mistake of Scarheart, who thought he’d find frozen freedom in the Great White North and was never heard from again –