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Spa Holidays On Mars Should You Book Yours Today

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Mineral springs discovered on Mars but should you book your Martian Spa Holiday today?

With the discovery of underground water flowing on Mars, the Internet is awash with reports of all the ways it will provide what you need for your future on the red planet.

But as you consider the epic announcements, SOS urges caution with one claim in particular – Martian spa holidays are mere decades away, book yours today! 

mars-water

“Thanks to the discovery of water, holidays on Mars are a certainty within mere decades,” writes David Baker, the editor of Spaceflight, and the author of the Haynes Workshop Manual to NASA Mars Rovers.

This report, which appeared in most mainstream media, endorsed by space tourism booster billionaires like Elon Musk and Richard Branson, has resulted in a pre-booking rush by survivors seeking a space spa experience in Martian mineral water.

Can a mineral soak on Mars make you look like Martian Matt Damon?
Martian actor Matt Damon’s mineral water secret

“Martian mineral water is the best,” said one such spa-seeker who jumped at the chance to pre-book. “Just look at Martian actor Matt Damon. Don’t you want to look like him?”

Actor Matt Damon has refused to deny the secret to his pumped Martian physique is due to regular use of its mineral spas but canny viewers of his new space survival show, The Martian all note –  the film works very hard to hide the existence of Martian waters.

“We just didn’t want the secret to come out yet,” Damon stated in defence of the film. “I mean, what if anyone could look like me? Even you, Seth?”

“I don’t need that kind of competition for lead roles. You think I want to go back to working in the fire opal mines?”

More Mars news here.

Delaware’s New Martian Ambassador

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Noureddine Melikechi Named Ambassador to Mars
Delaware names Martian Ambassador

On Friday Delaware, The First State, became the first state to name an official Martian Ambassador and declare its intention to actively recruit more inhabitants from the Red Planet to join the Blue Hen State.

“We want to let Martian tourists and investors know that Delaware is conveniently located on the East Coast with a great port, strong community, excellent workforce and top-notch research facilities,” stated Governor Jack Markell. “We have beautiful beaches, important historic sites and of course tax-free shopping.”

New Martian Ambassador Dr. Noureddine Melikechi declared himself, “very pleased” to accept the post on Planet Earth despite being completely unable to show it because of having to wear this stiff human face.

“At my last job on Mars we had to wear hairnets on our tentacles and management would whip us with lasers when the deep fryer was slow,” said Dr. Melikechi, adding that on Mars, McHuman Burgers are a rare delicacy and now on earth he can eat one everyday if he wants.

“I’ll probably limit myself to one a week though. Your gravity is killing me! My weight has tripled since I got here!” Dr. Melikechi denied pigging out on catfood nuggets at the Concord High School Cafeteria.

“Are you kidding me? No self-respecting Martian would eat that slop!” Dr. Melikechi was pleased to learn about the availability of Anti-Gravity Cream for his situation.

(Survivors may recall this mysterious anti-gravity cream here.)

Dr. Melikechi also said it won’t be hard to get his Martian friends to come to Delaware.

“I think the harder part will be asking them to leave.”

Mars 500 Crew Returns to Earth

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Diego Urbina & Alexander Smolyeevsky collect Martian soil samples
Martian soil sample cover-up reveals truth about simulated Martian simulation.

Strange news from Moscow, planet Earth today. The six-man Mars 500 mission crew returned safely to earth after a 520 day round trip to the red planet, only to discover everybody on earth pretending they never even left.

“Simulation my a$%! I did not endure 520 days of Yue Wang’s lectures about hand-washing hygiene to go down in history as a “simulated” astronaut,” ranted Italian astronaut Diego Urbina. “Do I sound like a simulated astronaut to you?”

To prove his point, Diego offered to really punch me right in the head – an offer I declined. But I did promise to reveal the truth about his mission, that it was a very grueling, very real mission.

“Think about it. I’m an engineer, not an actor. Where are the martian soil samples we took? If that’s not real, why won’t they produce them? And what about our hair? That’s not simulated radiation-induced hair loss – that’s real. ”

But why would the Russian Institute for Biomedical Problems devise this elaborate ruse to convince the world that the Mars 500 crew never even left the earth?

“It’s the Kremlin. What do you expect? The truth?” laughed Mars 500 crew member, Russian Alexy Sitev.

“A lot of people still think the Apollo moon landing was faked,” pointed out another crew member, Roman Charles. “Maybe a simulated simulation is their way of ensuring the media gets the story right this time.”

But is it just clever PR? Or a massive cover-up to prevent a mad rush for Mars? To give Russia and the EU a chance to exploit Martian minerals without regulation before the cat’s out of the bag? Keep on keeping on to find out!

Not simulated hair loss!
Evidence of radiation-induced hair loss proves crew really went to Mars.