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Town Terrorized by Lutins Perilous Peppermint Tree To Pacify Populace

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Town terrorized by lutins who pacified the populace with a perilous peppermint fairy fruit tree

Peppermint tree pacified town
Peppermint tree pacified town

SOS alert the besieged town of St. Elie, Quebec has officially fallen to the lutin forces who first pacified the unwitting populace with a perilous peppermint fruit tree.

 When this innocent-looking tree first appeared in a forested St. Elie park some five years ago, the town hailed the appearance of its soft pink, sweet and spicy fruit, harvesting and consuming it in copious quantities, blissfully unaware of the nefarious effect of eating fae foods.

The whole Internet celebrated with St. Elie, trumpeting the reappearance of a real peppermint tree in story after story about the economic impact on this formerly sleepy town. Nobody seemed concerned about the real consequences…

Now five years later, these consequences become clear. The lutins have landed and a town is over run by feckless fae making a magical mint from folks who flock from around the globe to taste and see the magical fruit of the miracle St. Elie peppermint tree.

Signs of the town’s defeat hang everywhere you look. From special lutin-only crosswalks to lutin-run restaurants and hotels, it’s clear the population of St. Elie now lives in pacified servitude to their wee overlords.

Don’t let this happen where you live! Be on the lookout for any suspicious trees in your neighbourhood.

Town defeated by Lutins
Town falls to fae fruit of Lutins Peppermint Tree.

Never seen a fairy tree? No problem. Count yourself among the lucky survivors. But please, review the following before it’s too late for you and your town.

How to ID a Fairy Tree: 

1. Unusual Fruit

While not a scientific term yet, unusual is the best way to describe fae fruit which comes in many shapes, colors and sizes.

But that’s just part of the magic that makes it so appealing. Terrestrial fruits take time to grow and ripen, from flower to small fruit, growing over a predictable time frame to a larger size and deeper color that is more or less uniform.

Fae fruit, by contrast appears overnight with bright colors, often mixed or swirly, fully-formed and sometimes even fully wrapped as in the case of St. Elie. This makes harvesting it from the ground below that much easier, not to mention it can last forever on a shelf.

2. Makes You Want MORE

Faery fruit like all fae foods is magically designed to make you eat more and more AND mooooore AND MOOOOORE…

You get the idea. While fruit of the terrestrial realm will eventually fill you up and switch a stop-light in your brain, fairy fruit will never do this. In fact the opposite occurs. Think of it as sending a flashing neon-yellow GO-GO-GO-TIME-IS-RUNNING-OUT signal. T

3. The Real Magical Fruit

Those feckless fae have learned a lot since the days when they relied on beans to trap their prey…

(Except for giants. Giants are slow to change and many of them still go around trying to trade magic beans for livestock. Yes, the smartest giants have switched to jelly beans but even they have difficulty finding humans willing to accept them in exchange for a cow.)

…the point here is the fruit of a fairy tree is spelled. Spelled to do what? Oh, only to enslave you in one or more terrifying ways. What terrifying way? Just depends on which kind of fae you are facing and their needs. You could end up a fairy farm hand, amassing sweet mints for sale at exorbitant prices in a tourist town for lutin overlords or licking lollipops to generate power to a leprechaun shoe factory.

4. Fairy Fruit is First One Free

Again, except for the giants. See above. The fae of today give the first fruits away for free or nearly free, to rope you in and get you hooked. But very soon you will find there is a price. With leprechauns and lutins, that price will often be money, more and more of it as your appetite for more and better grows. But with other elvish and mixed magical beings and associated underworld-y types, the price can be much steeper. Like what? Oh, only your soul. Your memories. Your feelings. Little things like that.

5. Fairy Farmers Never Eat Their Own Fruit

Need more proof? Find a fairy farmer and offer them a fae fruit. Will they eat it? Ah no. Never. Not in your lifetime. They’ll do everything in their power to not consume it. They’ll sniff it and cut it and cook it and stack it and make buildings and even entire cities out of it but you will never ever see them eat it. That’s because even the fae are not immune to spells from other fae. And nobody is more suspicious than they.

Don’t let the lutins and leprechauns lord over you! Keep your community fae fruit free this summer. Alert the site if you spot a fairy tree in your land and SOS will send a herbicidal service STAT – first one is free.

LEPRECHAUN TRICKSTER RELEASES JUICY NEW CLUE

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Will Treasure Hunters End Up “All Wet?”

Santa Fe leprechaun Forrest Fenn added a juicy new clue about the location of his treasure chest full of gold and jewels in time for St. Patrick’s day, but some think the trickster is playing games with the world and has either forgotten the location of his treasure or that it doesn’t exist at all.

To review, famous leprechaun Forrest Fenn claims to have hidden a treasure chest full of gold and treasure that includes his 17th century Spanish emerald ring, a ruby-studded bracelet, small diamonds and other items somewhere in Santa Fe. He released a book and poem full of clues about its location.

On the trail of Forrest Fenn’s treasure

Now a leprechaun losing his gold is not news. They do it all the time, everyone knows that. The only thing more common than a leprechaun lifting your pants or your shoes is a leprechaun looking for his lost loot.

(Rainbow power is the problem here. Rainbows provide for quick treasure teleportation but once a rainbow disappears  – and they disappear fast – it’s really hard to find the exact geo-coordinates again.)

While young leprechauns are learning to solve this problem with new technology, Mr. Fenn is an old school leprechaun. He leaves encrypted clues for himself in a poem and a book to help him remember where he buried it. It’s a traditional leprechaun trick, and like many traditional leprechauns, with time Mr. Forrest Fenn forgot what it all meant.

And this year Forrest has added a new clue to the mix and here it is: if you could stand on his treasure you would see mountains and trees and you would be “all wet.”

He claims that adding this juicy new clue to his previous 9 clues (see below) and reading his book will help you to find his million dollar treasure and that you can keep it.

But critics say you might just be leading the forgetful Mr. Fenn to his lost loot or even that the treasure doesn’t exist at all because Mr. Fenn is just playing a big trick on the world designed to sell his book.

This St. Patrick’s day, you can check out the hidden clues in Forrest Fenn’s poem below and decide for yourself if it’s worth the risk of getting “all wet.” If you decide to join the hunt, be sure and check behind you at all times for Forrest himself and carry a good supply of four leaf clovers. And er, don’t start by calling all the homes of people named “Brown,” in the Santa Fe area. Trust me, they hate that!

Forrest Fenn lost his loot again – will he really let you keep it?

As I have gone alone in there
And with my treasures bold,
I can keep my secret where,
And hint of riches new and old. 

Begin it where warm waters halt
And take it in the canyon down,
Not far, but too far to walk.
Put in below the home of Brown.

From there it’s no place for the meek,
The end is drawing ever nigh;
There’ll be no paddle up your creek,
Just heavy loads and water high.

If you’ve been wise and found the blaze,
Look quickly down, your quest to cease
But tarry scant with marvel gaze,
Just take the chest and go in peace.

So why is it that I must go
And leave my trove for all to seek?
The answers I already know
I’ve done it tired, and now I’m weak

So hear me all and listen good,
Your effort will be worth the cold.
If you are brave and in the wood
I give you title to the gold.

March Mystery Messages Prof Offers Cash Prize If You Crack The Code

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Intriguing Internauts today, a series of mysterious messages in an unknown script discovered on a university campus, has prompted one prof to offer a cash prize to anyone who can help him crack the code but are the messages really worth much, much more than a mere one hundred dollars?

Can you crack the code?
Can you crack the code?

A series of 16 strange messages have been discovered by different people in a library at the University of Western Ontario, in London, Canada. The messages, all stuck between the pages of various books contain a series of unexplained symbols and at least one relic made of an ordinary item, like a leaf a feather or a button.

“I’d taken a book off the shelf on international economics,” said Mike Moffat, the professor who is offering the prize today. “Inside the book was an envelope. I immediately thought somebody had been using it as a book mark.”

But when he opened the envelope, Professor Moffat found this note –>>

After the professor began blogging about the note, other note-finders came forward, bringing the total of notes found to 16, all of which you can view online here. 

Theories range from alien poetry to witch’s spells but so far the script has defied the efforts of all the university’s best cryptographers – at a university known for having the best cryptographers it should be noted.

If you have a theory, Professor Moffat is offering a hundred dollar prize if you crack the code. But is the message really worth far more than one hundred dollars? Could they in fact be the key to a hidden treasure?

I wrote the professor with my theory and I don’t mind sharing it with you here in brief. As we all know, March is the month of the leprechauns, when they finally get outside to bury new treasure and search for the old. Leprechauns are famous for two things. Burying treasure and forgetting where they buried it. That’s why they leave cryptic clues for themselves and other leprechauns. Leaves? Feathers? Buttons? Smells like leprechaun to me. It would be just like a leprechaun to leave clues like this in an economics library.

If I’m right – and I’m 91,98% sure that I am right –  then these notes are worth far more than one hundred dollars. They could provide the clues you need to find a leprechaun’s buried treasure. And that’s where you’ll find me this week, on the London leprechaun trail. Join me and share in the treasure.

4 Leaf Clovers for the 4 Million Moon Who Will Be Survivor of the Month?

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SOS Survivor of the Month

Thanks to everyone who has managed to enter the 4 Million Moon Contest despite the leprechauns on the loose today. To The Reaper and Agent RB and others for the reviews,  to Velanko for introducing a new Survivor, and to everyone who made a comment or reply to anyone else. It all goes into the Saturday draw as well as the grand prize draw and above all, everything you do no matter how small will help SOS to keep on keeping on.

(Incidentally the reviews don’t have to be positive. For instance I wouldn’t exactly expect a great one from SAMANTHA who has likely burst into flames waiting for Daywalker ring info. Although I remain hopeful one can be located. With Survival there’s always hope.)

And now the curse must be passed. LILITH has carried it admirably long enough during a difficult month. While Graham and I comb back through the month that was to determine a survivor strong enough to carry it through another month, stop a minute to recall some basic leprechaun survival facts:

Fast Facts For Full Moon Leprechaun Survival

Leprechauns Attack in New York
A recent leprechaun attack in NY. Note green clothing remains.

1. Wear green

You probably thought it was a joke, the wearing of green clothing but this photo is proof that when big city leprechauns do a subway shakedown, green clothing is your only protection. Why? Historically some green dyes were made from shamrocks which as you know, leprechauns both revere and fear.

2. Avoid those super comfy couches and chairs in public places

This goes double for those massage chairs. Modern leprechauns have devised this technology as one of the best way to suck the coins right out of your pocket. So don’t let one of them catch you digging around in the cushions either, unless you know you can outrun them.

A yellow flag means four leaf clovers here.
A yellow flag means four leaf clovers here.

3. Keep a 4 leaf clover in your pocket at all times for at least the next 72 hours 

Unfortunately due to a devastating four leaf clover crop failure this year, this could be a challenge. Unless you grew your own or you’re a gifted plant grafter, you need a reliable four leaf clover finder. There are several of them on the market, some of them more reliable than others, but there’s also a helpy irl tradition of survivors marking the spot with yellow flags so keep your eyes open for that.

And if you find a good patch today be sure to alert others.

4. Avoid numismatists, locksmiths & cobblers

As previously noted on the site, these are common cover careers for leprechauns who will be on the loose for the next 72 hours. Keep your keys with you at all times and if you find yourself locked out of your crib, home or vehicle above all do NOT call a locksmith.

And if you think it’s safe to buy new shoes because hey who’s a cobbler anymore? Think again. Leprechauns are more than ever, the masters of modern shoemaking.  Any shoes you buy on a leprechaun moon are bound to have a fairy spell on them. So unless you want to dance yourself to death or travel uncontrollably in time, wait at least 72 hours, at least long enough to research your purchase to be sure it won’t have any unintended consequences.

Watch out for moon bows on a leprechaun moon
Watch out for moon bows on a leprechaun moon

5. Beware the moon bows 

Yes it’s true the end of a rainbow often marks a treasure site. But moon bows occur only on a full moon near a running water source. A moon bow marks the transit of a so-called Dark Leprechaun from the land faery realm to ours and when the St. Patrick coincides with a full moon, the dark leprechauns are sure to be out in full force.

6. Review past St. Patrick’s Day survival tips here on the site and add your own. 

It’s the surest way to keep on keeping on!

 

 

Ready At Rainbows End Leprechaun Survival Lessons From The Saddle Ridge Hoard

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March is the month to reach a rainbow’s end and find some buried treasure but before you leap into leprechaun season take a tip or two from the experience of the Saddle Ridge Hoard finders, “John and Mary” who found ten million worth of gold coins in tin cans on their property and now risk losing it all back to leprechauns.

Ten million worth of gold coins found in rusty tin cans.
Ten million worth of gold coins found in rusty tin cans.

You probably know the story of John and Mary whose dog sniffed out a leprechaun trove of gold buried in rusty tins on their California property around this time of year.

Deeply disappointed to find no leprechaun, the dog quickly lost interest in the find while John and Mary realized immediately the danger of their discovery and levied many leprechaun security measures.

Today let’s take a look at these security measures and evalulate what John and Mary did right and wrong so you can be rainbow’s end ready for the March madness.

1. Don’t be Fooled By A Rusty Tin Can

That rusty can does not equal long forgotten. Make no mistake, if you are looking for or have found buried treasure, there is a leprechaun – maybe two – looking for you.  Sure we all know how old leprechauns like Forrest Fenn will forget exactly where they stashed their cash but they will never, ever forget to look for it. And look for it they do, in ingenious and devious ways.

Furthermore, most modern leprechauns use rust as a security measure. A little oxidization, dirt and decay on a container ensures that even the most valuable treasure can be hidden in plain sight. John and Mary say the treasure on their property was buried there in the 19th Century which matches the dates on the coins – but then why are they refusing to allow forensic analysis on the tin cans?

I’ll tell you why. Fear of Leprechauns who will use the info to claim the cash. In this case entirely justified and well handled. ✔

2. Bring Your Dog

Two reasons for this. One, dogs love leprechauns. They’re small and quick and give the best games of chase. Two, leprechauns generally hate dogs. Even if your dog can’t help you sniff out the gold like John and Mary’s dog did, when you do find it, he will keep away the leprechaun who is also looking for it and/or in the process of stashing it, for long enough at least you can unearth it all and drag it away.

Good move John and Mary. ✔✔

3. Never Reveal Your Real Name

The problem is this. Unless the stash you find is current cash – an unlikely scenario as leprechauns traditionally prefer gold – you will have to sell your haul on the open market. This means going public with your find but like Mary and John, don’t use your real name. Just as knowing a leprechaun’s real name can give you power over him or her, them knowing your real name gives them same.

So good job John and Mary or whatever your names really are, for immediately hiring a lawyer who is a trusted family friend to deal with taking your find public. ✔✔✔

Is David Hall really Walter Dimmick?
Is David Hall really Walter Dimmick?

4. Stay Away From Numismatists

You know what rhymes with “numismatist?” Yeah, that’s right hypnotist. Your numismatist probably won’t tell you how long he or she has also studied that gray art. Numismatist is really just another word for leprechaun. Oh they claim to be respected historical money-ologists who will help you sell your stash for a cut of the cash but put that together and everyone knows the truth. It’s a legal way for a leprechaun to reclaim their horde. And explains why numismatist is actually the number two cover “career” for a leprechauns after locksmith.

And this is where our John and Mary really fell down.  ✖✖✖✖ 

The couple have contacted and entrusted, not one but several numismatists, while more and more of them are circling the hoard everyday now.

John and Mary should have clued in when their numismatist Donald Kagin issued a statement saying, “They found the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.”

Now competing numismatists aka: organized leprechuans are coming out of the word work to lay claim they know the origin of the hoard, including one very suspicious seeming numismatist who looks a lot like the one who first stole it and stashed it, a leprechaun who went by the name of Walter Dimmick in the 19th Century when he worked for the Federal Mint (below).

Is the Saddle Ridge Hoard really Walter Dimmick's stolen gold?
Is the Saddle Ridge Hoard really Walter Dimmick’s stolen gold?

Is Walter Dimmick back for his hoard and out to retrieve it the legal way as a so-called numismatist? Time will tell.

Meanwhile,  please don’t let this stop you from following your own rainbows. There may not be a tin of gold at the end of every last one of them and you won’t always get to the right end at the right time and you may have to deal with a gold-crazed leprechaun –  but at least now you’ll be ready.

Click here for more tips on dealing with leprechauns. 

Leprechauns to Rainbow Girl Please Stop Eating Our Rainbows

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Leprechauns are livid this week over an Internet campaign urging kids to eat rainbows instead of fries.

Rainbow eater angers leprechauns
Is this little rainbow eater really a leprechaun?

A global Internet sensation who goes by the name Rainbow Girl crashed a fast food press conference this week, urging kids to turn away from fast food and turn to Rainbowarianism, that is the eating of rainbows.

In fact the little rainbow Rambo recommends every kid in the world eat an entire rainbow, every single day.

“It’s bad enough they used to be after me Lucky Charms now I have to defend me rainbows? Those hungry little ~bleeps~ what will it be next? Me shoes?” writes Samuel the Leprechaun who alerted me to the situation.

“Do you know how many kids there are in the world? Over two billion. Do you know how many rainbows there are? Well nor does I – but not two billion. The sky simply cannot sustain them all.”

Leprechauns, who rely on rainbows for transportation, navigation and self-defence as well as, it should be admitted, entertainment, fear a global shortage of rainbows will force these two billion new rainbowairians to begin looting leprechauns, who are known to wield secret rainbow generation technology for personal use.

Samuel adds that global efforts to recover many missing pots of leprechaun gold at rainbows’ ends will also be seriously hampered by roaming rainbow eaters.

“When the end of yer rainbow takes ye to a rotten rainbow eater’s entrails, there’ll no be a pot o’gold in it, I tells you that for free!”

The whole campaign, which features a website, song and show devoted to glorifying the consumption of rainbows, makes Samuel misty-eyed for the old days of when web pranksters would stop at nothing to simply puke a rainbow.

“At least they were giving something back,” he said.

The Internet’s 8th most popular supernatural survivologist, Seth Greening, meanwhile, speculates that Rainbow Girl has a highly suspicious leprechauny look about her.

“Either Rainbow Girl is a leprechaun herself or she has found a way to become a leprechaun through Rainbowairianism,” stated Seth, conveniently interviewing himself between shifts at his pizza delivery day job. “Either way somebody clearly needs to scan her, immediately before she turns the whole world into leprechauns!”