YOU MAY BE DEALING WITH A CANNIBAL
1. Call him a big anthropofag. They hate that.
2. Offer her your cat food alien-bait. It’s like giving dishwater to a wine drinker. A cannibal may begin eating human flesh to avoid starvation, but continues to eat it because they actually love the taste of your human veal.
3. Whatever you do don’t just lounge there in the hot tub as the cannibals add sliced carrots and pepper…
1. Suck in your cheeks and stomach, try to look stringy and undelicious. Cannibals are actually quite picky and properly preparing human meat is a difficult task, so send not-worth-the-time signals.
2. Show her your medic alert jewelry. If you don’t have any medic alert jewelry yet, now is the time to invest. Think diffuse, blood-borne ailments like HIV and Hep C over isolated organ-specific ones – it does no good to spare your kidney if you’re not around to use it.
3. Take a shower immediately following strenuous activity. All that salt on your skin makes you smell like snack food.
4. FREAK OUT! With Cannibals you don’t have to hold back or be brave. In fact, it’s a proven survival strategy. Cannibals know that a protracted, adrenaline soaked, action movie-inspired chase and struggle will spoil the fine taste of your meat. So go ahead and FREAK OUT!
May 12, 2012: Recent evidence shows cannibals may have traded in their big iron pots and open fires for the food supplement business! Cannibal capsules were seized in Seoul, South Korea this week. Check out the news here. The good news here is that you may be able to temporarily calm a cannibal using Baby Aspirin.