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You are here: Home / Archives for Humans

Humans

Of Zombies and Cauliflower

November 15, 2012 By Seth 21 Comments

First there was Zyboragon’s trademark Zombie Berries, then zombie mints, now get ready for latest news in ZMRT (Zombies Meal Replacement Therapy) *awesome drumroll here* …cauliflower? More specifically, fields of rotting cauliflowers? Really?

That’s the astonishing claim this week from a group of Survivors behind a new game called Zombie Apocalypse – How Cauliflower Saved My Life.

But could cauliflower really be the brainiest anti-zombie weapon in your arsenal? Or just another odorific cruciferous crutch that’s likely to get you crucified?

So when I first received an email about this phenomenon from a Survivor known as Marc, I filed it for further reference. I didn’t want to offend Marc after all he is a longtime survivor and quiet fan of the site by email – but I don’t fall for every marketing fad fuelled by soft science.

(Unless it involves Spray Nine. But then it’s NOT a marketing fad, it’s just The Truth.)

But to summarize Marc’s story, it goes roughly like this:

1. On Halloween, Survivor Marc was forced from his home by a roving horde of zombies. I’m not sure where he is located, judging by recent reports, possibly California. Point is, Marc immediately assumed it was the Zombie Apocalypse. Not just a freak frankenmoon outbreak or pre-apocalypse attack but THE Zombie Apocalypse.

2. Survivor Marc immediately initiated his personal Zombie Apocalypse Survival Plan which involves, among other things, his Jeep, miscellaneous weaponry, some camping gear and other supplies like the free car wash he got with his last fill.

3. Unfortunately Survivor Marc’s last fill was in 2008. Survivor Marc works at home and doesn’t like his neighbours, so he never goes out. Unless it’s a zombie apocalypse.

4. So he tore off through his back yard and into his neighbour, Juan Odey’s yard, the zombies shambling after him.

5. Marc’s neighbour, Juan Odey is an avid vegetable gardener who enjoys planting cauliflower. Unfortunately, he doesn’t enjoy eating it. Or picking it. Normally Juan just leaves his cauliflower rotting in gooey, smelly, pulpy piles in his yard until spring – see photo above.

6. Long story short – too late – at one point Marc think’s he’s a goner for sure after tripping and sinking into a stinking, heaving head of unharvested cauliflower. He writes that the smell alone almost made him want to take his chances with the zombies.

7. But then something very strange happened. The zombies immediately stopped their pursuit of him and attacked the rotting cauliflowers instead, chowing down like they were the most delicious brain take-out ever. Marc remembers thinking, So that’s why Juan doesn’t harvest his cauliflower!

Can cauliflower really save your life in a zombie apocalypse?

The moral of the story is, Survivor Marc still doesn’t like his neighbours, except for Juan Odey. But now they all love cauliflower! The whole neighbourhood. They claim it keeps their neighbourhood 99.98% zombie free. They are planning to plant a cauliflower perimeter come spring.

Understandably, Marc claims that it saved his life. He went so far as to make a free game to spread the word called Zombie Apocalypse – How Cauliflower Saved My Life.

(Although if you DO decide to download his game from the iTunes store, try not to notice how he changed the story so that he is the hero and not his neighbour Juan.)

 I downloaded the game and I have to admit that while it’s very entertaining, something about this story stinks and it’s this. If zombies really do love rotten cauliflower that much, what kind of gardener plants a zombie cauliflower garden year after year? 

A zombie cauliflower gardener that’s who!

Let’s just say, I’m looking into this Juan Odey, Zombie Cauliflower Gardener now…

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Filed Under: Survival News Tagged With: Humans, iOS, iPad, iPhone, iPod Touch, SOS, supernatural, survival, survivors, Zombies

Happy Earth Day

April 22, 2012 By Seth 3 Comments

Whether you’re from Earth, a fan of Earth or just friends with an Earthling, have a nice green day.

If you aren’t from Earth, please be patient with us earth dwellers as our celebrations sometime takes unusual forms. For example:

Don’t be alarmed by strangers teaching you to how to cultivate potatoes on your person. Just keep your ears clean.

Watch out for Leprechauns pushing green drinks left over from St. Patrick’s Day.

If have a tree or a tree form or have been told that you resemble a tree in certain lights, be prepared for huggy strangers. Don’t panic, it’s only one day a year and they mean well. You might even enjoy it!

(Likewise, if you need a hug today? Consider a tree costume. I’m looking into it.)

If an earthling tries to replace your adult diaper with a cloth one, politely ask them to come back in five minutes when you’re done filling it.

Most importantly, watch out for bikes and long boards and if you’re on your bike or long board today remember, more than any other day, your survival is my survival. Please be careful.

Seth

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Filed Under: Survival Resources Tagged With: 2012, Aliens, Draconians, Humans, survivors

Zombie Month Videos

March 4, 2012 By Seth 4 Comments

Hail Survivors,

Zombies are a significant threat to survival and so you need the best information possible to keep on keeping yourself un-undead. So below I present to you a valuable zombie survival tool, the Seth On Survival Zombie Month episodes. Each episode is only about 4 minutes long but is packed with valuable zombie survival information so do yourself a favour and have a look.

Seth

Episode 1 – Zombiology 101.3

Episode 2 – Zombie Autopsy

Episode 3 – Zombie Quarantine

Episode 4 – The Great Zombie Debate

Episode 5 – Zombie Battle

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Filed Under: Survival Videos Tagged With: Humans, Monstrometer, seth on survival, survivors, zombie month, Zombies

New Video – Interview with Suspected Werewolf

February 28, 2012 By Seth 8 Comments

Hail Survivors,

As many of you know, I recently went on location to interview a suspected genetic werewolf in his werewolf containment facility or crib.

Like many suspected werewolves, Louis Pine was puzzled about his lycanthropy status after failing to transform under the full moon. He wrote into SOS asking for advice and many of you responded with helpy werewolf hints and tips.

So when he invited me to help him document his lupine life, what could I say? He even had his own camera. I could not refuse. I set my GPS and hit the road.

I travelled to meet Louis this summer in his crib and well  *SPOILER ALERT*  I survive. I can’t say the same for anyone else.

Also if anyone knows the current WERE-abouts of the survivor known as “Louis,” please contact the site ASAP. He’s been MIA for several months now and lots of people are really worried about him.

Graham is helping me finish Louis’ videos to show on the site. I expect to be posting them in the next few weeks. Until then here’s part of my interview with Louis Pine, suspected werewolf:

Thanks for keeping on keeping on with me.

Seth

P.S. More videos coming soon. Ish.

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Filed Under: Survival Videos Tagged With: Angels, cribs, Cyborgs, Humans, Illuminati, Loch Ness Monster, Louis, Louis Pine, Monstrometer, seth on survival, survivor, survivors, Vampires, werewolf, werewolf containment faciity, Werewolves, Witches

Solar Dragons starting Draconian civil war?

February 1, 2012 By Seth 22 Comments

Hail Survivors,

I recently received an email from friend to the site and survivors everywhere, Mr. Mutt, in which he alerted me about a very important event. See this excerpt from the email below:

At 18:37 Jan. 27 there was a massive explosion on the suns surface. This produced a lovely aurora borealis for all to enjoy but it also produced this writeting in the polar ice caps:

Nos exuret tu ater dracones, signatum, solis dracones.

Translated it means “we will burn you black dragons, signed, the dragons of the sun.

In Greek mythology two of these dragons pulled the chariot of Medea an infamous anti-survivalist. It appears that they have decided that 2012 is going to be the year of the sun dragons. They’ve already proved their disregaurd for human life by sending the solar flare with it’s dangerous radiation towards earth, however it appears no one informed them we have an electromagnetic field that keeps most dangerous radiation out of the atmosphere.

So what does this mean? Will there be a dragon civil war? Is this what the Myans knew was comeing? How will this affect the stock market?

Mutt Out.

Solar Dragon erupting from the surface of the Sun
Solar Dragon emerging from the surface of the Sun

Very important information indeed and excellent questions. Does this presage the end of the world as we know it as foretold by the Mayans? Will this spell havoc for Facebook’s long anticipated IPO? Does this mean that I should stock up on sunscreen?

Share your thoughts in the comments section and keep on keeping on.

Seth

P.S. Thanks to Mr. Mutt for sending this in and alerting us all to this important news. If you have supernatural survival related news or information be sure to send it in!

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Filed Under: Survivor Submissions Tagged With: 2012, Aliens, Civil War, Draconians, dragons, Facebook, Humans, Mayans, Mr. Mutt, NASA, Solar, Stock Market, Sun, Year of the Dragon

Braces and Werewolves

January 21, 2012 By Seth 21 Comments

Hail Survivors,

Friends of the site and survivors everywhere, Pauzzis97, has just raised a very interesting point, can having braces on your teeth prevent a werewolf from transforming? Are braces a tool used by worried parents to prevent kids from wolfing out?

Her question really got me thinking and it occurred to me that I don’t know the answer to that one. So I am putting it out to all of you. Please vote in the poll below with your answer and I’ll put the result into the next update of The Monstrometer. If you have additional information or comments then please leave a comment in the comment section below.

Can braces prevent a werewolf from transforming?

View Results

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While I was thinking about this I realized that Louis Pine has braces. Could that be the reason he didn’t transform? Take a look at the video and let me know what you think. In the meantime I am going to be looking for a werewolf orthodontist to ask.

More of Louis’ videos are coming soon.

Thanks for the amazing insight Pauzzis!

Keep on keeping on.

Seth

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Filed Under: Survivor Submissions Tagged With: Braces, Humans, Louis Pine, Monstrometer, Pauzzis97, Vampires, Werewolves

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Zombie Outbreak in Texas!!!

Hail Survivors!

I recently received a very grave -no pun intended- warning from Survivor Miles who I believe may be located in or near Texas. Survivor Miles recently survived a vicious zombie attack, armed with only his wits and hedge clippers. His parents unfortunately were not so lucky.

Read more here: Zombie Attack!!!

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