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Android Promises To Keep Humans In His Zoo

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Human firestorm from around the globe this week in response to the infamous Android Dick’s public pledge to keep them “warm and safe in my people zoo, where I can watch you for ol’ times sake.”

Android Dick promises to keep humans alive in his zoo.
Android Dick promises to keep humans alive in his zoo.

Android Dick made his people pledge to a PBS reporter in an interview last week after being asked if he and his fellow robots intended to take over the planet.

“You’re my friend, and I’ll remember my friends, and I’ll be good to you. So don’t worry, even if I evolve into Terminator, I’ll still be nice to you. I’ll keep you warm and safe in my people zoo, where I can watch you for ol’ times sake,” Dick states in his YouTube Video.

Android Dick’s statement was warmly received today by Humanity Welcomes Robot Overlords, (HWRO).

“Our members are pleased and excited to hear the Androids’ intentions,” writes President Doug Smith.

“Although in hindsight I maybe should have waited to tell my mate Jeff that I’m moving out,” Doug added noting that he now has nowhere to live after Jeff replaced him overnight.

But other humans remain less thrilled by the prospect of zoo life.

“Could you find out what exactly Doug has been smoking?” asks his sister Abby Smith. “Jeff says he gave notice at the mine, and now he sleeps on my couch every night.”

Abby adds that if Doug really thinks Android Dick will make grill cheese for him in the middle of the night even though he has to work at 6 am he should just go ahead and move into that zoo.

“Grill cheese? Ha! Those humans will be lucky to get Soylent Green rations and water let alone union scale,” said my talent agent Norbert Abrahamsom when asked if I should consider this career move for myself.

“Ask yourself this Seth… do you have any idea what exactly the androids will enjoy watching the humans do in their human zoo?” Abrahamsom goes on, adding that since I can’t really do a whole lot of tricks since giving up on rapping the best I can do will be background entertainment on this dead-end reality show.

“Hey but who else can sing and build their own Tesla Gun?” writes Seth defensively, still considering the move.

Keep on keeping on for other reaction, including one from other Androids who suspect that Android Dick may be suffering the side effects of losing his head last year.

Revolt of the Micro-humans Human Farmer Harvests Organs

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Just as farmers in the northern hemisphere work to harvest their fields of corn before the cold weather comes, a human farmer who announced his plan to harvest human organs from his new human farms appears to have instigated a micro-human revolt.

Human farms to harvest organs
Human farms to harvest organs

Human farmer Uwe Marx publicly announced his plans to begin harvesting human organs from his company’s human farms to a conference held in Prague.

The human tissue engineer said he hopes that his farms of micro-humans will save animals from laboratory testing.

“We will close down most of the animal testing laboratories world-wide,” farmer Uwe told the Sunday Times.

Human farmer Uwe Marx
Human Farmer Uwe Marx

While most monkeys and mice applaud the news of micro-humans taking their place under the needles and microscopes of scientists, diminutive people everywhere have expressed concern and are calling for the mobilization of a micro-human rights movement, and a fatwa on human farmers.

“This is size-ism! I’ll show him micro-human,” raged Samuel the leprechaun.

“You tell this guy Uwe that me and the dwarves and all the other so-called micro-humans are coming with an army of bunyips to kick his fat macro-a$$ and free his human livestock.”

For once I almost agreed with a leprechaun…

Survivors are advised to begin preparing for an influx of angry micro-humans.

How To Spot an Angry Microhuman

This safety segment in progress… please keep on keeping on…

SOS Humans Are Coming Martian Light Mystery Solved

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The mystery of a strange light that appeared from beneath the surface of Mars this week has finally been decoded by experts who say the Martians are sending an urgent SOS message to the solar system, help us the humans are coming.

An SOS signal from Mars has been detected this week.
An SOS signal from Mars detected this week.

The news put to rest a week of intense speculation about this light detected in an image on April 03 by Mars Curiosity Rover.

UFO watcher Scott Waring first broke the news that the Martians, widely believed to live underground – or at least hide there whenever humans come probing – were clearly caught on camera projecting light from an artificial source.

“This is not a glare from the sun, nor is it an artifact of the photo process. Look closely at the bottom of the light. It has a very flat surface giving us 100% indication it is from the surface,” he writes on his UFO Sightings Daily website.

While his findings were dismissed as findings often are, by some who say the light is more likely caused by underground lightning, also very cool, or a so-called vent-hole light leak on a glinty rocks, SOS can reveal the truth today. The light is an SOS signal and the message is clear – Help us the Humans are coming.

Professor Dominicus Van Buren, who first broke the code through careful sequential study of all widely available photos on the Internet, says The Martians have clearly been made aware of humanity’s full slate of Mars missions for the near future.

“Think about it. Would you want an endless season of Spring Break In Space shooting in your back yard?” said Professor Van Buren, alluding to Mars One, a proposed televised Mars colonization plan, due to begin shooting immediately. “Not every species dreams of having a network TV show,” he added, a clear dig at me.

Unfortunately the net result of their signal so far has only been to increase the speed and number of humanity’s proposed visits to their fine planet. NASA has already announced they will interpret the Mars light signal to mean hello please send more probes with cameras. On their website NASA states the main purpose of this new probe will be to address key questions about the potential for life on Mars – which remains an open question for the camera-shy underground Martians as well at this point.

Humans Get Down On Knees And Beg NOW Advises Bill Gates

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A Bill Gates interview controversy continues after he advises humans to quote, get on their knees and beg businesses to keep humans employed, unquote, as outraged humans with aching articulations hire protest bots to get started while awaiting their cybernetic legs.

Will humans use robots to protest losing jobs to robots?
Will Emigilio keep his job as a robot protester?

Famous Microsoft founder Bill Gates stated in an interview that robots are steadily replacing most humans on the job, everywhere, even places you wouldn’t expect, “from accountants to real estate agents and commercial pilots.”

(You can read an account of that Bill Gates interview here). 

But humans who heard his message to get down on their knees and beg this week are begging to differ.

“Human knees are terrible at begging,” stated one anonymous articularly-challenged underemployed human who heard Bill Gates’ advice. “Can’t we just get a robot to do that?”

“After a certain age – and it’s pretty young –  human knee joints just begin break down, making begging difficult if not impossible for most people,” the human explained.

Will cybernetic Leg designed by Aron McBride help humans beg for their jobs?
Will cybernetic leg designed by Aron McBride help humans beg for their jobs?

“Why do you think hominids stood upright to begin with? Duh. Sore joints!”he added, noting that he himself suffers terribly from a condition known as chronic chondromalacia virtually every time the kitty litter needs changing.

Rising – or dropping – to Bill Gate’s challenge, other humans have responded by developing protest robots like this one named Emigilio made by Randy Sarafan.

“It might work,” commented the human. “Emigilio is knee height.” He added that a robot might also have more success convincing another robot to give up his job than a mere human.

However, humans not convinced by Emigilio are looking instead to cyborg technology like this to facilitate better begging.

“Oh yeah! That’s more like it,” said the human who is totally not actually really me interviewing me. “With a knee like that you wouldn’t have to beg for very long before you could just take over the whole universe.”

While Darth Vader may be the only human to have an awesome knee like this one so far, humans like me, er like this one totally anonymous human, are lining up now.

(And on a related note, does anyone else find it disturbing that Bill Gates would mention the total replacement of commercial pilots by robots just days after the Extreme Revolution was declared and Flight MH370 mysteriously disappeared?)

Robot Waiter Fired for Being Undercover Human

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More astonishing robot news this week as a robot waiter in Harbin, China has been fired from his job in a popular new robot restaurant, after management accused him of being an undercover human.

Management of the new Robot Restaurant, began to suspect waiter-bot “F004U” might secretly be a human in disguise, when the service bot began getting orders wrong and swearing at the customers.

RoboWaiter fired on suspicion of being undercover actor Joel Kinnaman

But fired robot “F004U” denies the charge of being human. He insists that jokey programmers at the factory must have secretly installed the Urban Dictionary on his hard drive.

“C’mon they did it to Watson! Please, all I need is a little wipe and reboot at the factory and I’ll be good as new, I promise,” pleaded F004U from the street corner where he now begs for spare change from passersby. “I really need this job.”

But Management claims to have found convincing evidence that waiterbot F004U is really actor Joel Kinnaman, probably conducting undercover research for a sequel to the new RoboCop movies in which he stars.

Undercover RoboWaiter

“We found the script for a movie called RoboWaiter in F004Us locker and a phone number on the first page took us to Mr. Kinnamon’s agent.”

Management says while they appreciate the actor’s dedication to his craft, they are running a family restaurant not an actors’ studio.

“Robots are cool because they are sort of like humans, not because they actually are human. I suggest that Mr. Kinnaman apply to work at a Human Restaurant.”

But F004U denies the charge that he is really a popular sci-fi actor in training.

“I’m just a tough-talking waiter who was brutally murdered and subsequently revived by the malevolent mega-corporation OCP as a superhuman cyborg known as RoboWaiter. I can single-handedly serve every table in this joint while kicking your ass and riding my bike. Honest.”

Burmese Dragons Retreat From First Public New Years’ Party in Yangon

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If you listen very hard tonight, as the world sings goodbye to the Year of the Dragon, you might hear something else too – the sound of old dragons slinking slowly back to their treasure caves for a long, draconian nap, in places like Burma or Myanmar.

Myanmese Dragons beat slow retreat from a looted land.
While young dragons are generally admired for their energy, leadership and intelligence, the world’s oldest dragons are famous for exactly four  things: looting, burning and sleeping and more looting. Did I mention looting?  When they loot they loot a lot. And when they sleep, they sleep even more, sometimes for a hundred years.

2012 The Year of the Dragon heralded the arrival of a record number of new dragons – but it also roused the looting and burning instincts of some of the worlds’ oldest dragons, like the Myanmese Draconians.

“Looting a country is very hard work. You humans don’t seem to understand this,” said Myanmar draconian Thein Sein. “For instance do you know how hard it is to hide billions of dollars in looted treasure? It takes a very big cave.”

The Myanmar dragon described an old plan to use his treasure to buy an entire football team instead.

“But then how to you hide all of Manchester United? Even in a country with no cell phones and Internet like Mayanmar, this is not easy.”

The draconian also noted that he did not want to share his cave with a bunch of rowdy footballers.

As a result, old dragons like Thein Sein have begun their slow slink away from the land while the people party in their wake.

“This is very exciting and also our first experience in celebrating the New Year. We feel like we are in a different world,” said Yu Thawda from Myanmar/Burma.

However, Draconian experts are warning the youth to temper their excitement.

“Old dragons don’t go fast,” writes dragon watcher Professor Dominicus Van Buren. “Treasure won’t fall from the sky.”

“Only once they are well and truly asleep inside their treasure caves do we have a chance.”