Zombies and grizzly bears of the west coast celebrate a major accessibility victory in Vancouver, Canada as a new design law banning doorknobs takes effect in that city, putting an end to old-fashioned turny knobs in favour of easy push-type lever handles.
“Finally an end to the debilitating dexterity-ism that me and my Z people have faced for centuries,” stated Zombie Actors Guild president Gnargh Jonnsson. “No longer will we walkers be forced to pile up, one on top of each other until the full force of our combined rotting flesh heap can crash through the structural integrity of a wall just to take out a library book or go shopping at the mall. We walk tall now knowing that we will no longer be segregated by something as superficial as wrist abduction and adduction. No, we will walk through those doors as proud individuals, the equal of any other ambulatory being.”
Or course, the world of zombieology is an-ooze today with speculation about how this change will affect West Coast zombie behaviour in the near future.
“The implications of this seemingly small design change will be profound. As the West Coast zombies no longer need to work together en masse to gain entry to secure public buildings, will they loose the horde instinct? My feeling is yes, yes they will,” stated acclaimed zombie-ologoist Dr. Maxwelle Brookes zMD. ”
Hearing this opinion by the venerable doctor of zombie-ology himself, some zombies have already begun to lament the change.
“This mean no more zombie pile? No more foot bone in skull? No more play Whose Hand Is This Anyway? Awwwwwwrrrrrgggg,” stated one disgruntled Stage Three-er. “How I meet squishy lady zombie now?”
Grizzly bears, whose lack of opposable thumbs has been their only real impediment to obtaining access to cars, restaurants and even yoga studios in that city, have long advocated for a no-thumbs needed law like this one.
The ban on doorknobs was enacted by city council and takes effect this spring.
