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Elevator or HELLevator? Look Before You Lift, Identify Demonic Portals Before It’s Too Late

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… OR HOW BEING QUICK WITH A LIMERICK COULD SAVE YOUR SOUL!

Going down? Learn to identify dangerous Hellevators before it’s too late.

Well the supernatural effort to keep my New Years’ survival resolutions is already paying off today, as I officially evaded two dangerous hellevators, just by taking the stairs instead.  That’s right, today I correctly avoided stepping into a modern demonic portal conveyance unit or “DPCU” Hellevator for less short, thereby increasing both my physical fitness and my ability to not be burning in a lake of fire.

And you can too. You just have to remember to “LOOK before you LIFT.” What exactly are you looking for? Read on to find out.

But first, a little history. Prior to the nineteenth century, transportation into and out of the underworld was handled mainly by boat, with one or two demonic individuals having a virtual monopoly on the business. Greek ferryman Charon comes to mind, as does the Egyptian ferryman Aken, both examples of canny daimons (or demons) making a tidy un-living transporting beings to and through the various levels and neighbourhoods of the underworld.
Prior to the 19th Century ferrymen had a virtual monopoly on Underworld transit

But those were simpler times, when most people chose to live near the water and most of them on ground level.

As the world became more complicated and more populated not to mention taller, with skyscrapers springing up around the world, the hellular transport racket has also became more complicated and diverse. Highways, elevators and Plymouths have all been used by enterprising demonic hell drivers ever since.

Most recently, elevators have become the conveyance of preference for a new generation of demons. Hellevators have been spotted in almost every country of the world.

The good news is, Hellevators and their demonic drivers are pretty easy to spot.

Five Signs That You Should Take the Stairs!

1. Before you even press the wall button to summon the elevator, look up and ask yourself, does the elevator go both up and down? Or only in one direction? If this one direction is down, I don’t have to tell you twice to TAKE THE STAIRS.

2. Before you step through the doors look down at the crack between the lift and the platform. Is there any smoke curling out? Flame? Yes? TAKE THE STAIRS.

3. Lean into the lift and look at the button panel. If there are nine levels marked with an “H” you know the drill. TAKE THE STAIRS.

Hellevator daimon couldn’t wait to meet one passenger who looked like Mom.

4. Next, look below at the emergency panel. Place your hand on it. Is it hot? Does it move? Can you hear anything? Say the breathing and grunts of a small demon driver waiting for you to get inside the lift?

Older Hellevator daimons like to wait at the bottom for your arrival, but the more modern ones, often the younger ones, just can’t wait to meet you. They stow away behind the emergency panel and emerge mid-descent. Sometimes they want to shake you down and make you an offer. But sometimes they are just bored with life in the underworld. For example, this little daimon girl who runs a Hellevator in Brazil, couldn’t wait to meet the lady who looked like her mom.

(The story has a good news-bad news ending. The lady got out of the Hellevator immediately, but the little daimon did not get to return home as she had hoped.)

In any case, TAKE THE STAIRS.

5. Inspect the walls and ceiling inside the lift. Do you see any scratches? Yes? Bad sign. Somebody had to try very hard to get out. TAKE THE STAIRS.

Remember just because an elevator was fine the last time you took it, doesn’t mean it’s fine today. It could have been Hellevated ie: relicensed as a Hellevator. Recruitment and transportation has become a popular and lucrative trade in the Underworld with lots of demons competing for the next Hellevator license.

Now what if you miss the signs and you do happen to board a Hellevator by mistake?

Maybe other survivors have tips they can share, but here’s one sure-fire tip. You tell the Hellevator conductor that you are an epic poet and say how excited you are for your tour. Weird, I know, but well documented by poets like Dante himself, that hell hates a poet. Dante writes about having to beg to be admitted for just a simple tour.

So prepare some convincing quatrains or at least a quick limerick before you step into your next elevator! Sure, it might lose you a few friends. BUT IT MIGHT SAVE YOUR SOUL!

For more detailed information about demons or daimons, please visit the demons page, updated on a random schedule.

Demons: You May Be Dealing With A Demon, Or a Daimon

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demonDangerSign-Small-opt

TOP THREE MYTHS ABOUT DEALING WITH DEMONS

(OR DAIMONS) :

MYTH #1: Saying “Bless You” when your friend sneezes will prevent demons entering his body.

CORRECTION: This can ONLY prevent English-speaking demons from entering his body! What about: “Gesunheit,” “A tes souhaites,” and “saúde?” You will never have time to cover them all. Demonologists are currently hard at work trying to find a universal demon-stopper word but until then it’s a crap shoot!

MYTH #2: Changing locations will NOT  help.

CORRECTION – Changing locations can sometimes help. Depends what kind of demon or daimon you have. For instance, try leaving your demon at home with a baby, say your first-born son.  They like that. If like me, you don’t happen to have one handy,  your demon may be impatiently waiting around for you to produce one. Try gently explaining to your demon that you are trying your best to uphold your end of the bargain and how this kind of pressure is not helpful nor conducive to either of you fulfilling the terms of your deal.

Of course none of this helps if YOU are the first-born son. If so, you may want to start looking for a loophole – is your mom really your mom? Where was she on the day you were born? Work with her to make up a plausible alibi and ask to see the details of your demonic contract.

Also, let’s talk about elevators here. And escalators. Hellevators and Hellscalators. Basically any mechanical conveyance to waaaaay downstairs – if you know what I mean!  Unlike angels, demons do not have functioning wings. And like many beings, they need a little help getting upstairs so to speak.

( Most demons are afflicted with one or more deadly sins – sloth for instance – and fun fact! –  Hell fires actually burn on left over fast food grease.)

Anyway, point is, recent research now shows a full 73% of elevators and an unknown number of escalators may in fact be claimed by demons who make use of them as portals to enter our world. If you can identify these Hellevators, you may be able to make use of them to help you with your problem.

(Please do not make use of a hell elevator without the help of a qualified elevator technician. Ask to see his or her license!)

MYTH #3: Demons or daimons must be driven out.

CORRECTION – The matter of whether a demon needs to be driven anywhere is up for debate. The idea that demons are just trouble-making spirits looking for a lift out of Hell has been debunked many times. These days most demons seem pretty capable of driving themselves and make use of our modern conventions to operate portals into our world.

So maybe you need to make friends with your demon. Get to know them and let them get to know the real you. After all, it’s YOU they want. So take long walks together. Talk to your demon. Sing your favorite song over and over without accompaniment.  Share the intimate minutia of your everyday life. Your every thought. What you ate today, how many trips to the bathroom, how that MEAN CLERK IGNORED YOU FOR, like, EVER!…

Watch as your demon learns to do the same. Ignore you forever that is.

Seriously though, new research by demonologists into the new field of “eudaimonics” which translates roughly as the study of inner demons, seems to indicate having a demon might not actually be so bad. Apparently the Greeks believed that each child was blessed with a personal demon or daimon who holds the key to the highest expression of his or her nature. This personal demon is believed to be the source of all personal knowledge and power in pursuits like the arts, physics and math. So learn to embrace your demon! Sure it’s hard. Sometimes they may cause you to projectile vomit and your head to spin around, but studies show if you can just get past that with your demon, it will be worth it. You and your demons can accomplish a lot if you just work together.

Of course if you and your daimon just can’t get along, you may need counselling or even a good separation procedure. I personally do not endorse exorcisms as I’ve never seen one that ended well. But don’t despair! While your average exorcist is probably a quack, there are qualified demon hunters out who know the locations and mechanisms of the demonic portals and how to operate them. A qualified demon hunter can contain your demon long enough to ship him or her away.

MYTH #3: Baby powder is a powerful demon deterrent.

CORRECTION: Only baby-powder huffers believe this. Demons and daimons love baby powder on their feet and even ah, OTHER parts. Putting baby powder on your bedroom floor is like asking a demon to dance.

~~~~~IF YOU ARE THE DEMON~~~~~

Well let’s say I know somebody – a friend let’s say, who has a supernatural survivalist show who REALLY wants to make more video episodes and who MAY be interested in making a deal. You know one of those riches and fortune type deals? (Not the supernatural musical skill kind – although that might be nice too.)

So if you’re not too busy signing contracts or whatnot,  I hope you’ll contact me on the site and maybe we can work something out. I mean hopefully my friend can work something out with you…