The Case of the Grinchscaping Goons
Hang onto you holiday tree, the season of the Grinch is officially underway, with new reports of missing trees and mistletoe already but one unusually gregarious Grinch from Orlando is denying his guilt — only to point one long green finger at an unexpected suspect.
SOS readers will recall how the grinchmas gang upped their game in 2013, going after holiday trees en masse with vans and trucks in place of sacks and sleighs, long before Christmas Eve.
After a lengthy police investigation resulted in no arrests of any Grinches, SOS aka: me, Seth of sethonsurvival, the seventh most popular and first most reliable supernatural survivologist on the Interwebs, has decided to take on the case in 2014 and save Christmas for all…
I’ve always wanted to save Christmas for all. Even for the majority of the globe who don’t officially celebrate it. Nay, especially for them. Because who knows when they might want to give it a try? And really how hard could it be?
All I had to do was track down one of the Grinches and interrogate him using my secret survivological interview techniques to elicit a confession.
With that in mind I headed to Orlando last week, home of one of the worlds most gregarious Grinches. Yes that’s right, the one who has turned turned his green infamy into green cash with his grinchy sideshow. Now locating this grinch and getting him to talk to me was the easy part but getting him to tell the truth? Not as easy, as you will see below.
Interrogation of A Grinch
Me: So you call yourself the Orlando Grinch…
O.G.: No no no. The Grinch. I call myself The Grinch. The one and only. You can call me Mr. The Grinch.
Me: Let me get this straight. You claim to have carried off the Great Grinchmas Tree Heist of 2013 all by yourself? Who drove and unloaded all the vans for you?
O.G.: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Me: I think you do Sir. The vans were clearly marked GLOBAL GRINCHSCAPING INC.
O.G. I am on record clearly stating that I do not, nor have I ever, engaged in grinchscaping. Have you listened to my interview on the topic?
Me: Oh yeah, I heard your puff piece of personal propaganda, but I’m not talking about your personal grooming habits Sir. I’m talking about the fact that you and your gang no longer have the gall to wait for Christmas Eve to start stealing the season. What happened to you Orlando, you all get too fat for the Chimblies? Or is this a new level of Grinchy greed?
O.G.: Are you calling me fat?
Me: Well yeah but more than that, I’m calling you greedy. You and all the other grinches going global with your operation.
O.G.: That’s absurd. As previously stated, there are no other grinches but me. I am the One True Grinch.
Me: Suit yourself. Then you’ll take the rap for the whole gang and spend the rest of your days in an Antarctic block of ice. This is your last chance to sing before this blog post gets ways too long and I take this recording to the police…
O.G.: Wait, wait. Maybe I do know something about the crime in question… but you’re talking to the wrong guy here.
Me: Is that so?
O.G.: Of course. You really think I would risk my Orlando operation for a small time tree reclamation project? Think about it. Who has the most to gain from taking back the trees before there’s even any presents underneath them?
Me: Why don’t you enlighten me.
O.G.: Think about it. You should be talking to one of my cousins.
Me: Your cousins?
O.G.: Sasquatch? Hello? You don’t think it bothers them, this whole tree business? Sure it doesn’t stop them chowing down on the roast beast like everybody else, but they’ve been griping about it for years. They rely on those trees you know, for landmarks and shelter , not to mention toothpicks. And we all know about their urban delivery service. See they already have the infrastructure.
Me: So you claim that sasquatches are framing the grinches? That’s absurd. Even if I accept that sasquatch is related to you, how long would it take for a Sasquatch to dye all of his fur green? By the time he got finished, he would have to start over.
O.G.: We’re done here. Talk to Sasquatch. I want my lawyer.