Ghosts

YOU MAY BE DEALING WITH A GHOST

First, the good news. Ghosts are not ALL malevolent, grudge-filled spirits of children who have suffered an untimely abuse-death.

The bad news? Some of them are.

Is your apparition one of those snarly spooks with a vengeful agenda? Or just a harmless haunter with some small unfinished business, like a half-eaten sandwich or a plant that needs watering?

Obviously you don’t need me to tell you how to know the difference. When your bathroom walls bleed and/or your closet growls at you, safe to say it’s a nasty ghosty – no further research required. Do NOT investigate! For the love of dog do NOT go down those stairs or up those stairs or through that door, into those trees or watch the DVD marked DO NOT WATCH. You get the picture.

Problem is, sending your spectral friend back into The Light, does require a bit of research. The key here is SAFE research:

1. If you’re already on speaking terms with your spook, try asking her very politely to spill her story. Then just listen helpfully. Never judge or minimize her eternal pain. Above all this means NOT trying to trump her tale of woe with a better one of your own, ie: no, “Oh that’s nothing, one time MY mom did this…” No matter how boring or convoluted her story gets.

2. If your ghost is less articulate, you will have to work a little harder. Start by researching your building, the builder, its former inhabitants, for example:

• Google your address for any mysterious news reports.
• Find the names of former inhabitants and search them.
• Contact your city or town for info about the property developer.

Talk to your neighbors; it’s possible that your ghost been contacting others. If so don’t be offended. While arguably it makes you a little less special, it could save your life one day. When these neighbors start disappearing, you know it’s Plan B-gone time!

3. Once you have a rough understanding of his ghostly agenda, propose some possible ways you can help him achieve lasting peace. This could be through the proper burial of his remains, the feeding of his beloved dogs, the prosecution of his earthly abuser or just the ultimate destruction of civilization as we know it.

4. When nothing else seems to work, you could be dealing with a ghost who is not vengeful or helpful or busy or reluctant but one who is simply lost. Understand, post-mortem eyesight is far less sensitive to light – an excellent adaptation for those glowy heavenly environs but an impediment to actually finding one’s way there.

This explains why they sometimes get trapped in artificial light sources like TVs and DVDs, computers and photo flashes. To prevent these luminous mistakes, try wrapping all distracting artificial light sources in your home with red caution tape and leave the window open. If your ghost needs better directions than that, try drawing a map with arrows on the wall to clearly indicate the direction and distance to the nearest heavenly light source.

5. If you have one of those ghosts trapped in an old mirror or another shiny old object, you need to follow safe disposal protocol. Call before you dig! If you don’t know a good ghostbuster in your neighbourhood, do your research! Some things have to be incinerated while others call for a midnight burial in a symbolic location. You can’t just put that haunted mirror in the dumpster! 

If The Ghost is You…

First and foremost, don’t despair! Try thinking of yourself as not so much dead, but just corporeally challenged. Sure you may have trouble being seen and not heard, but think of all the perks. You can blink in and out of uncomfortable situations and even hunt down the person(s) who killed you and suck their souls into a secure container for all eternity.

Remember you can always practice incorporeality tricks like running cold water over your hands to re-manifest your old self. Just please, don’t douse yourself in sand or blood. I can’t stress this enough. Sure it’s dramatic, but there are better ways to wake up those phantom limbs. Practice in the mirror until you can manifest your body anywhere, without any external touch cues. Why do you think ghosts are always appearing in mirrors anyway?

One thing to be aware of however, there’s no such thing as a lazy ghost. Unfortunately, unlike vampires or immortals who can choose to loiter for all eternity, your ghosthood comes with a price, normally an important job or mission you will be forced to perform. You may be a banshee soul hunter or a reaper or just a generic grudge keeper but in any case, whatever you are, get ready for a busy and exciting afterlife!