Ghosts

Ever check your holiday photos only to find a photo-bombing phantom?

You’re not alone.  Along with time travellers and aliens, modern ghosts are probably the most highly visible visitants you’ll ever meet, and for a very good reason. As camera technology becomes increasingly sensitive to the spectra of light and dark, is it any wonder a specter would see your device as a conduit for their self expression? When the cameras come out for the holidays, so do the ghosts.

Take this latest incorporeal Internet sensation, the British Parliament New Year’s Eve ghost for example. Now I’m not here to debate if the photo is a product of camera trickery or a PS process after the fact by the photographer, Jules Annan. No, when it comes to suspected supernatural situations my only job is to help you prepare for the worst.

Mustering enough energy to make an appearance is not something a ghost will do just for fun. There’s a reason this ghost has picked you. And when quick communication is key to surviving any spectral situation, your ability to size up any spook quickly and accurately is your first line of self-defense. So you need to find out exactly who – or what – is your posing poltergeist and what do they want?

1. Inspect Your Device

Before you get caught up in the details of the photo, begin with a thorough inspection of your device. If it’s just a camera, this means inspect every one of your shots, for other appearances of your apparition. Chances are good there is more than one and if so the photos must be read together or even in sequence to understand their story.

If your device is also a phone you may also want to check for ghostly numbers on your call display or strange messages at strange times that repeat. For example, if your voicemail service translates calls into text like mine does, you may get a text that looks something like this:

Wed 30 Dec 2013 03:33:33:

“Aarrooooooooeeeaaaaaaaiiiiiiiaaaaaaarrrrrrwwww” (Please call into your voicemail to listen to this message.)

While disconcerting to be sure, messages like these can help you to decipher the intent of your incorporeal friend.

2. Inspect the Environment(s)

Sure there are lots of different high tech filters you can apply to see better or more but really, a simple zoom will give you enough detail to decipher. Do you see anything strange or different about the environment in your photo? I mean besides the obvious ghostly human. Stranger than that. I’m talking about faint blood splatter patterns that might be on the lens, mysterious symbols, cracks and holes, untraceable lights or flying cats, that kind of thing.

In the case of Mr. Annan’s ghost, the environment yields few if any other clues. The lights in this case were clearly from the Parliament building and no stone work appeared to be bleeding.  Which brings us to…

3. Phantom Phashion

 In the case of the New Years Eve ghost it’s really all the evidence there is to go on. What is your ghost wearing exactly and why? Strictly speaking, ghosts don’t need clothing, so when a ghost incorporates, he must choose exactly how to appear to you. Generally speaking this means she will appear in an outfit that is either a) easy for her to materialize because it was highly memorable or b) significant in some way to the message he is trying to convey to you. As a result, a ghost will seldom completely dressed let alone appropriately dressed.

I know a lot of Internauts have commented that Mr. Annan’s ghost is suspiciously well-dressed, right down to the warm winter boots. And that’s fair. But there is one exception to the clothing rule and it’s this. Ghosts who don’t yet realize that they are dead have the memory of their last outfit clear in their minds and as a result, it materializes in detail very clearly for a short time immediately following the events of their death. Certainly that would be the most likely explanation with the New Years Eve ghost, as he (or she) is wearing a very current style of warm boot that would take a lot of energy to materialize.

Did somebody wearing UGG boots die on their way to the fireworks on New Years Eve? As yet to be determined. Meanwhile, if you haven’t inspected your holiday photos, I encourage you to do so immediately. Somebody may be trying to send you a message.

If you have a sulky spectre in your house tonight, it’s time to check on that old doll house –  there’s a good chance that it is haunted by a child ghost.

I’m talking about that old, unused doll house stored away somewhere in your house. If you have one, or suspect that you have one in your house tonight, please take a minute away from your busy Halloween activities, preferably at or around midnight when the veil between the worlds is at its thinnest, to do a proper ghost check.

If done properly, in the dark, in silence, you will likely locate the haunted doll house at the heart of your ghost problem.

Dealing with a child ghost is never easy.  Adult ghosts are more communicative and persistent. They’ll tell you what’s bothering them and how to help them fix it with a little blood on the walls and/or some morse code cupboard slamming in the middle of the night.

(And if you don’t like the blood? Well studies show if you leave them cherry pie sometimes they will use that instead. Although if they have a long message, you have to leave a lot of cherry pie.)

But child ghosts? Now that’s another matter. Children who die before the age of 6 or 7 often don’t even know they have died. And unless somebody shepherds them to safety on the other side, they just hang out doing what they love best –  playing with their old toys. Now what happens when that house is cleaned out – say because a child was murdered in it! – and all of the ghost kids’ toys are taken away and burned?

Yah, angry kid ghost who really wants his/her toys back. So fast forward to your family and that forgotten dollhouse somebody outgrew. Did you store it properly? I think not. Do you even know where it is? If you don’t, your child ghost does, guaranteed. You need to know. Child ghosts do not play nice.

Proper Ghost Check 101.7: Haunted Doll House

 You will need:

• A friend or colleague. Never go spook spotting alone. Unless your only choice is an enemy. In which case, go alone. 
• Map or at least have a general idea of possible old dollhouse storage locations
• Quiet shoes. Child ghosts are easily spooked and their footfalls are quieter than adult ghosts. You need to be able to hear them.
• A small flashlight. Only for use in cases of emergency.

If you do find that haunted doll house in your house, you might be tempted to destroy it – but that would be the worst thing you could do. It will only make the child ghost angrier.

Instead, I recommend setting it up in a convenient location for further observation. By observing and carefully documenting the child ghosts’ play over time, you should be able to figure out  roughly what happened and find the clues you need to help them into the light once and for all.

(Or at least find out if Cloe will finally let Yasmin try her skateboard but only if she promises to stay on the roof.)

And of course send us an SOS message if you can.

Rock legends swear it’s true but is this dilapidated house really haunted by the ghost of pianist Frédéric Chopin?

Or did Chopin’s ghost actually leave with the Grateful Dead in 1971, if he was ever there at all?

Named Chateau d’Hérouville, this French estate has hosted and inspired some old rock n’ roll’s greats from Elton John to Iggy Pop and David Bowie, who stayed there to record their music in the 1970s. So why did these artists all claim the house to be haunted by Frédéric Chopin?

Consider the arguments for and against:

FOR: Chopin died young in 1849 with a lot of unfinished business including a young bride he could never marry because of his illness and many unfinished opuses. Yet somehow he still found time to finish the Funeral March.

FOR: Chopin is said to have fought here with his famous ex GF, Amadine Dupin who went by the name “George Sand” in her writing. As we all know, haunting an ex is one of the biggest motivations for hanging around this celestial plane.

FOR:  While Chopin lay dying in Paris, a number of creepy death talismans were cast of his body, including a couple of death masks and an entire death arm complete with a death hand before having his heart sealed into an urn. Who makes a death mask and a death arm if he doesn’t intend to come back and use them?

<<—- Creepy Chopin death mask.

FOR: This mansion is said to have been painted by famed impressionist artist Vincent Van Gogh yet I think you will agree the paint job in this photo is well, bloody awful. Supernaturally awful. Clearly the work of a ghost or ghosts here.

FOR: Many musicians who chose to record their albums here went on to be supernaturally successful.

But finally probably the most compelling evidence:

FOR: David Bowie says it’s true and it’s a well-known fact that Bowie is a gnown friend of gnomes and genies, both beings believed to have special communication with ghosts.

But before you decide, consider the arguments against:

AGAINST: Chopin didn’t die in this house and George Sand didn’t live in this house so if Fred wanted to haunt his ex with an awesome death mask and killer hand, why would he do it here?

AGAINST: In 1971, the Grateful Dead band was invited to spread grateful deadness around in hopes that some of it would rub off on Chopin’s ghost. Many say that it worked and in fact that Fred Chopin now plays back up keyboards for the group.

AGAINST: Known almost as much for his love of illegal mind altering substances as for his music, can Iggy Pop really be deemed a reliable witness?

And finally the most convincing evidence against:

AGAINST: Would a prince of the classical piano really want to spend eternity in a mansion known as the “Honky House,” listening to 70s punk and rock?

What do you think? Haunted by Chopin or not? I hope you’ll look into it with me this week.