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Friday the 13th

Friday the 13 Fears Follow City’s New Number Law

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Canadian City Fears Friday the 13 As Unlucky Number Returns

Vancouver city residents in fear today as a planned reversal of Friday the 13 preparedness planning brings back unlucky numbers including the number 13 to all city buildings — just in time for Friday the 13.

“We’re just putting a normal mathematical sequence back into building design,” says Chief Building Officer Pat Ryan.

Ryan, who denies working with both the psychopathy and witch communities to bring back unlucky number 13 calls it a question of public safety.

Ryan says that missing floors pose a danger to emergency services like police and paramedics who would arrive to find them gone.

But at least one Vancouver resident says he would rather face the treacherous void of a missing floor on Friday the 13 than a chainsaw in his face.

Friday the 13 brings UFO WTF
Friday the 13 brings UFO WTF

“There’s always hope someone can free you from a void…but a missing face? That’s a tough one,”  said Brian Jones who lives at what was formerly 1414 14th St. Now 1313 13th St. “Psychopaths don’t fool around on Friday the 13.”

This Friday the 13 it’s not just psychopaths and witches bring the bad luck back to Vancouver – it’s a UFO known as WTF1190F on collision course for Earth this Friday the 13.

“With my luck I fully expect to find my home crushed by this UFO at 13:13 tomorrow,” said Brian who is reviewing his personal Friday the 13 action plan as we speak.

V-Day Friday One Three Alert: PSYCHO STALKER STORM

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EXPECT PSYCHO STALKER SQUALL

(SOS/ASAP/WTF) Get out of bed if you dare today, it’s the most most dread day of the year… you know… Valentine’s Day. I mean Friday the 13th. Part V.

Of course I don’t mean part five of one of my favourite movie franchises, which would in fact be scary awesome as opposed to the real scarifrying prospect of a Friday One-Three right before Valentine’s Day. Not one but two unlucky holidays devoted to psycho stalkers, back to back, each amplifying the effect of the other.

Let’s review. St. Valentine’s Day, more accurately known as STALKER DAY, remains the second scariest holiday founded on a grisly public execution that we celebrate. It was actually St. Valentine himself, imprisoned for his heinous crime of marrying young people, who first discovered the obsessive love that still marks the day. The kind of love that can only lead to anonymous flower deliveries, bad poetry, suspicious chocolates, dead pets and/or endless legal wrangling.

At least that’s what everybody brought St. Valentine in prison. Dude was a sitting duck for every love struck loon within pilgrammaging distance of his prison cell. And back then-a-days the logistics of stalking were daunting. Your average stalker had to first train his own snail to deliver his unwanted mail and/or ride for days on end with a load powertools and roses that usually died enroute.

Contrast that to today, when anyone with a valid pay card and a reliable internet connection can become a dangerous stalker with a few clicks and taps lapses in higher judgement and higher emotion. At a time when it has become so easy for anyone to unleash their inner stalker, your life may depend on stalker-proofing this Valentine’s Day. I’m
not saying all stalkers are killers. Some of them are just people hired to refill shelves at night. Some of them are just Graham.

But keep in mind the corollary, a high percentage of serial killers are in fact or were at one time, stalkers. That’s why I urge you today to review FRIDAY ONE-THREE V RULES FOR STALKER SELF DEFENCE.

Friday the 13th Triscadeca Moon Survival Top 4 Tips

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With a full moon on the rise this Friday the 13th all Survivors would be wise to review their triscadeca awareness, because this moon is not just about the Dyan Werewolves and their 13 werewolf forms.

Friday the 13th Survival
Friday the 13th Survival
Avoid the 13th Floor

As you know, SOS has been on a campaign about this for about 700 years. Ever since the doomed people of Fustat Egypt watched their city burn after building humanity’s first 13th floor building. If you’ve been following that campaign then you know it’s not as easy as it seems. Many thirteenth floors have been deceptively renamed as 14th Floors, making it imperative that you check before getting off that elevator.

The telltale signs of a cursed thirteenth floor disguised as a fourteenth floor include suspiciously low ceilings, warped walls and peeling wallpaper, among others.

Or better yet, avoid the elevator all together and take the stairs until the moon sets on Saturday the 14th.

Avoid 13th Avenue and 13th Street

Does your city or town have a corner where 13th Avenue crosses 13th Street? Are you sure? Better take another look.

Over the last 50 years many cities have tried to fix the most supernaturally dangerous crossroad in the realm by renaming one or the other or both. But a closer look reveals their sloppy work. If the 13th street on your city’s grid suddenly changes from a number name to an eponymous one where it crosses the 13th Avenue, you can be sure a city engineer is trying to cover up the danger that lies there.

I’m speaking of course about witches. Witches are known to congregate at crossroads and on Friday the 13th, this is the one they will naturally choose. This full moon, they will be out in full force in groups of 13. So don’t be fooled by well-meaning city planners. Study the map of your city and find out for sure where the corners of 13 meet – and then avoid them at all costs.

And don’t be fooled by the cities who took the more drastic measure of ending 13th Street just before it meets 13th Avenue. The parking lot or green space in between is also vulnerable. I’m not saying that witches will be convening there for evil ends necessarily. As we know, sometimes they’re just trying to lift a historic curse from their favourite football team. But other times they’re trying to resurrect somebody, like the demon wolf Black Shuck whose bones were recently and so carelessly uncovered in Scotland.  Don’t find out the hard way which witches are which!

Avoid Arriving 13th

If you must go out this full moon, to a public place or party, it’s imperative you keep a good head count. Remember what happened to that 13th apostle! Don’t you be unlucky number 13.

Ask your host or hostess how many invitees will be at your event and show up early enough to be safe. Which brings us to the obvious fate of those who show up unlucky 13:

Avoid Masked Humans & People Carrying Outsized Power Tools

With all due respect to the would-be superheroes among us, this is good advice for almost any time but it becomes doubly important on the triskadeca moon. Sure that guy could just be late for a hockey game, or healing a severe burn on her face, but that doesn’t mean it’s not also hiding a psychopath. Triscadeca moons tend to bring out the psychopaths who are almost as famous for their creative face gear as their troubled childhoods.

Follow these four tips until the moon sets on Saturday the 14th and you’ll be 13.13% safer, guaranteed. And if you survive, I hope to see you all then.

Friday the 13th Action Plan

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Friday the 13th remains the second most confusing holiday on the calendar after Black Noodle Day. Is it good luck or bad?  A time to celebrate or fear?  And what is the best way to deal with it? Should you:

Download for 2012.
Download for 2012.

a) Invite 11 of your favorite witches to party in the woods? Or

b) Spend the day avenging the untimely death of a loved one, say your son, mother or the slaughter of your entire secret order of Templar Knights? Or

c) Try very hard to avoid anyone who just answered a or b?

Adding to this confusion, the historical record indicates Friday the 13th is actually a very lucky day for some people like: drivers, insurance companies and stock brokers named Bob.

Understandably you might feel like locking down in your home until the dreaded day has passed. But that would be a big mistake. Sure it might work today and you might survive this time but what will you do for the dreaded year 2012. This year has three – count them 1-2-3 – Friday the 13th. Is it any wonder the Mayans gave up calendaring on THAT year?

It’s a terrifying thought but don’t you give up. You don’t need a paraskevidekatriaologist to follow my three-step Friday the 13th Action Plan. It’s simple and it goes right to the root of the problem. No more agonizing over questions like, Do I just kill Jason AGAIN? Or Jason and his Mom and his friend Roy and his freaktarded son too?

No the key to my action plan is right next door, as close as that neighbour on the 14th floor of your building.  (Just don’t take the elevator to get there.) It’s about magic and math. Friday the 13th = Friday + 13. Both scary and unlucky enough on their own. Take Friday. The social pressure to get lucky on a Friday is scary enough for average looking people, without even considering the legacy left on the day by that most eponymous witch, Frigga.

Add to the unluckiness of “Friday” the number 13. Now Asian survivors please be patient here, but for Westerners the number “13” has been taboo since Jesus fired little-known 13th Apostle Doug before his manuscript The Gospel According to Doug could find a publisher. A fact reinforced today by scientists who have discovered that 12 is the maximum number of names a middle-manager can effectively forget before accidentally getting one right.

So how do you fight a day and a number? Well, the path is clear – divide and conquer. My action plan will eradicate both factors, and put an end to both Friday and 13 once and for all. It just requires a few minor adjustments to your calendar – see photos below. I would advise you to begin with Friday, you’ll see why. I think of it now as Thurs 2 but whatever works for you. “Pre-Saturday,” or “Saturday Eve,” although clunky, remain good options.

Eliminating all 52 Fridays from your calendar alone is probably enough to keep you safe but if your elevator doesn’t go past the twelfth floor you can embark on a 13 elimination plan too. Yes this will shorten your year somewhat – by roughly 52 days which over a lifetime equals around 4160 days. But think of it this way, time is relative and that was 11.4 UNLUCKY years, permitting you to enjoy the time you have left that much more.

Introducing the SOS F-13 Calendar:

To save time – which if you eliminate both Friday and 13 from your calendar you are going to need! – you can download my free F-13 Safe Calendar. Graham is working on it right now, with the help of crack team of coders, griselled veterans of the Great Calendar War of 1999. Once downloaded my calendar program will eliminate both Friday and 13 from your computer and life in seconds. Watch your life get luckier and luckier – or your money back.

It’s virtually guaranteed.

Football Loving Witches Help Defeat Curse

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Football Witches of Salem Put Spell on Football Team
Salem Witches Friday the 13th Service Lifts Curse and Brings Victory

Forget cheerleaders! With the Patriots decisive victory over the Broncos today, smart NFL teams are scrambling to get witches on their side after a group of Salem witches succeed in defeating a decades-old curse.

A group of witches in Salem Massachusetts held a Friday the 13th circle in support of quarterback Tom Brady of the New England Patriots to try and lift a curse and help him be victorious over the Denver Broncos.

Today it appears their efforts to lift his curse may have succeeded as Brady threw for 363 yards and six touchdowns, to bring home the victory.

To explain the dread curse that dogged quarterback Tom Brady, it is the so-called “Sports Illustrated Curse.” This curse affects professional athletes at the height of their performance, right before a crucial event or game. If a professional athlete appears on the cover of the magazine Sports Illustrated right before the big game, something terrible is expected to happen.

The curse goes back to the 1950s when third-baseman Eddie Mathews, the first person to appear on the cover of Sports Illustrated broke his left hand in the first game following his appearance on the cover. This broken hand also broke his nine-game winning streak for the Atlanta Braves.

The curse is said to have been responsible for the injuries and near-death accidents of many other great athletes throughout history, from skiers to figure skaters, basketball and football players.

So what does this mean for the historic curse? Is it officially lifted for everybody? Or just Tom Brady? I am trying now to contact the Sorceresses involved, lead by Sorceress Lorelei Stathopoulos the Fabulous, of Crow Haven Corner.

And who placed the curse in the fist place? Forensic supernatural survivologists who have tried to trace the origin of the curse, suggest that Eddie Mathews’ picture on the cover of Sports Illustrated may have been used in a dark circle ceremony by a supporter of a rival team who forgot to snip off the title of the magazine before proceeding.