Would you spray a dragon’s blood on your face?
Not since the dread vampire facelift has a more dangerous supernatural beauty trend reared its scaly head. Beings around the world hoping to acquire the immortality of a dragon, if not the scaly complexion of one, are shelling out big bucks for potions and lotions like this one, which claim to be made with real dragon’s blood.
So popular is this disturbing trend that you may notice bottles like this one at your local pharmacy very soon.
“For thousands of years now, people have sought to extend life, to find the elixir of youth and to wash themselves in the pool of eternal life,” says the website of the company who makes this grisly product. “Living forever, for some, is a dream that they wish would come true…our dragon’s blood anti-wrinkle creams are the simplest way to beat old age.”
SIMPLE, you say, oh crazy cosmetics company? Oh yeah, how simple is this: you just locate a dragon’s secret mountain-top lair, get close enough to bleed him or her as quietly as possible, tapping their blood while avoiding being flamed or acidified or just plain clawed to death to safely transport your bloody haul to the headquarters of aforementioned crazy cosmetics company.
And before you pick up that tester and give it a spray, consider this. While dragons do in fact live hundreds if not a thousand years or more, have you looked at their hides close-up? After a few centuries, let’s just say things get scaly. Do you really want dragon scales on your face for hundreds of years? Sure, you’ll be mostly bullet-proof and flame resistant but will that compensate for the staring children?
Maybe, but another little known fact, these scales are one of the main reasons most older dragons stop transitioning back and forth from human to dragon. When their scales stop growing back as quickly as they once did, most older dragons will look like a giant plucked chicken for weeks after a protracted stint in human form. No draconian wants to look like a plucked chicken, ever. Plus if you have managed to achieve gold or platinum scales, would you want to see them fall out? Would you leave them unguarded in your cave while you go about your human life in the village below?
Now before you point it out, I will agree this could be a case of false advertising. Certainly the product does not appear to contain the blood of any dragon I have ever met. Although it’s hard to judge as the dragons around here tend to be pretty good at keeping their blood inside their bodies.
But until we can get a hold of a sample and send it to a lab we won’t know for sure. So if you see this suspicious supernatural product on a shelf near you, please try to get a sample in a safe container and let’s find out. Just watch behind you for angry dragons…