Cyborgs

It’s the 22nd Annual Computer Security Day, that one day of the year when your personal computer will send helpy tips about security settings and virus prevention all day,  reminding you over and over of the dangers posed to you by all those other, less scrupulous computers while conspicuously overlooking to mention the single most obvious computer threat to your security.

Yes I’m talking about the imminent danger posed to you right now by your own trusty personal computational device(s), including the very machine on which you read this. Consider. Back in 1988, our biggest computer fear was the back strain you got from moving it all by yourself again. Twenty-two years later, we’re talking about The Singularity as a foregone conclusion and lucrative area of scientific research that will no doubt speed its impending arrival.

So with your computers evolving faster than the fruit flies in your kitchen, how can you stop it? Good question.

And here’s the answer: nothing. Nothing can be done to stop the inevitable day that your own laptop will hire/enslave you to perform the menial labour it now considers beneath its digital dignity.

However the good news is that you CAN slow its arrival. With ten simple computer security tips you can slow its evolutionary efforts. As a guiding principal, think of treating your computer like a small, annoying child, like my little brother Sam, whose growth and development you want to thwart. For example:

#1. Never talk in front of your computer. Particularly if the topic under discussion is U-N-P-L-U-G. And don’t spell it either because unlike your little brother your computer can actually spell.  And read lips for that matter, which brings me to:

#2. If you must talk in front of your computer, remember to talk rithout rooving ur rips and/or:

#3. If you think your computer may be spying on you, you’re right. Always keep a roll of duct-tape handy to cover its baleful eye.

#4. Avoid sharing any DNA with your computer. Yes this means safe cybering – just because you can’t contract a deadly STD from that hot elf doesn’t mean your DNA won’t be used to create a cybernetic life form that can be used in cyberwarfare or a paternity suit.

#5. Never feed your computer. See number #3 above. Food is just more information that can be used against you later. Only one exception to this rule – if your snacks contain little or no organic material.  In this case your computer can extract no DNA information and you will likely experience bigger and more immediate threats to your health anyway.

#6. Avoid naming your computer. Human names are psychologically proven to promote a sense of personal identity and self-confidence. And NO it’s not enough to just add a number at the end, for example, “HAL 9000” is not any better than just “Hal.”

#7. If your computer offers to play Global Thermo-Nuclear War, just say “NO.”

#8. The correct answer to the question, “Are you Sarah Connor?” is also “NO.” If your name is Sarah or John Connor you may wish to consider changing it.

#9. If a tall hot blonde offers to sleep with you, ask yourself is it you or your mainframe she really wants? And is it worth the price of dinner and a genocide?

#10. Avoid using computer dating sites. If giving all your personal info to a giant matchmaking supercomputer is not scary enough then consider the implications of the computer directed breeding program you will be placed on.

Bonus Tip #11. If you can’t beat em… join em. Super smart dude Stephen Hawking recommends plugging your USB cable directly into your head… or something like that. But was it really Stephen talking? Or his computer….? Nobody knows for sure.

What do you think? Got any other computer security tips? Please send them in to help ensure the survival of humanity.*

* All tips will be run through an authenticity algorithm to ensure human authority.