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Larry The Vomiting Robot On Strike, Demands Include Viral Vomit Video Series

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Larry the Vomiting Robot is on strike after puking continuously for weeks at the Health and Safety Laboratory in Derbyshire so norovirus scientists could see exactly how far his splashes of glow-in-the dark vomit fly.

Larry has been living on flourescent blueberry smoothies for weeks.

“All this puking is really making me sick!” said Larry from the locked bathroom stall where he is hiding from scientists, including his maker Catherine Mackison. “Do you know how hard it is to projectile vomit all day long? Well let me tell you – it makes you want to puke!

Larry locked himself in the staff bathroom this morning after being presented with his usual breakfast of flourescent blueberry flavoured vomitous substitute smoothie.

“You call that blueberry? More like barfberry. They aren’t even trying. Even Charlene the Chewbot gets to try different flavours now and then.”

Norovirus scientists defend their use of the bright blue barf. They say that the norovirus is a particularly pukey little virus. The urge to vomit comes on suddenly, without notice and it can live for up to 12 hours on surfaces outside your body. That’s why we need to see exactly how far it flies and in what pattern.

“This research will help us to properly assess the danger of the virus and prevent the spread of it. Plus we thought the blue would be awesome – and we were so right!”

But that’s not how Larry sees it.

“Yeah well my research shows if you buggy humans would just learn to wash your frickin’ hands, maybe I would get to enjoy a decent meal again.”

The embattled barf bot recommends that you wash your hands for at least 15 seconds beneath a good stream of water, many times a day.

Larry says he will stay in the bathroom until scientists agree to a his demands, which include a variety of simulated vomitous substitute flavours and a proper meal at the end of a long day barfing.

He also wants a significant ownership share in his own viral vomit video series with creative control of future plot lines and his own Autotune hit.

“In the future, I want to expand on the success of these videos with a better plot than just, oh look at the robot puking his guts out. I’m worth more than that.”

Cyborgs vs Robots: Finally Somebody Takes Us Seriously!

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Cyborgs and robots react to the exciting news: Cambridge researchers are urging the world to stop treating them as the stuff of science fiction and start thinking of them as a part of reality!  A potentially threatening part of reality!

Cyborg J.D. Hancock going to Cambridge University

Scientists at the Center for Existential Risk made a big announcement this week. They resolved to devote their department to study the reality of artificial intelligence and its impact on humanity’s future.

And while cyborgs like this one, couldn’t be more pleased, robots are said to be *very concerned*

“Finally someone believes me!” said cyborg J.D. Hancock (right). “I’ve been warning the humans about this for years. Robots are not cute little sidekicks with bleepy lights and handy tool compartments like you see in science fiction. They’re actually really, really mean! Look, they took my face!”

Professor Jaan Tallin, one of the founders of the Center for Existential Risk and known fan of survival himself, puts it this way on his blog:

“People sometimes complain that corporations are psychopaths, if they are not sufficiently reined in by human control. The pessimistic prospect here is that artificial intelligence might be similar, except much much cleverer and much, much faster.”

Faceless cyborg, JD Hancock could not agree more.

“Exactly what I’ve been saying! Like, they took my face. A whole gang of them. They jumped me and told me to stop acting like a human bleeeeep and one of them had a knife for a hand and the other ones held me down and next thing I knew, he had my face. It was my favourite one too.”

While the Cambridge scientists will work with Professor Tallin to determine just how much of a threat artificial intelligence could be to the world, cyborg JD Hancock hopes to tell his story to the researchers and hopefully learn more about the gang of angry robot pride activists who took his face.

“Did I mention they took my face? That’s just not nice.”

Robot denies taking cyborg's face.

But in a recent interview, Robot 4U2C (left) indicated with a series of bleeps and vibrations that he was quote *very concerned* about the prospect of an entire university department devoted to describing all the ways that he and his kind wil be a threat to the world.

*It’s not fair! Do you know how much one professor can talk? Let alone a entire department of them? We robots do not stand a chance.*

Further, 4U2C categorically denies taking JD Hancock’s face.

*Do I really look like somebody who would steal a face? He probably just forgot it somewhere.*

 

They’re alive! Sentient Computers Found in China

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(SOS/WTF/ASAP) Your desktop PC may be a lot smarter than you think! Computer detectives make news this week, with the sneaky secret life of your seemingly ordinary PC computer.

Is your desktop machine alive? Read on for this evolving story!

Microsoft detective says 20% of new computers may have secret lives 

Microsoft detectives revealed this week that up to 20% of its computers come to life when you take them out of the box and plug them in. No tabulae rasae, these seemingly dumb desktop machines need no software installed to begin implementing a secret agenda, reaching out across the Internet for other machines to form a nefarious botnet.

The investigation by Microsoft’s digital crimes unit began in August 2011 as a study into the sale and distribution of counterfeit versions of Windows. Microsoft employees in China bought 20 new computers from retailers and took them back to a home with an Internet connection where they found 20% of the machines came to life without any instruction or software installed.

A virus called “Nitol” is suspected of propelling these seemingly innocent machines to life as part of a global botnet. The Nitol virus appears to have now reached its peak infection rate and is poised to strike.

Meanwhile how do you know if your computer has a secret criminal agenda? Before you report your beloved desktop to the Microsoft Malware police, start by asking the following questions:

1. Does your computer have suspicious friends around the world? Sure, every computer entertains a few shady companions from Nigeria or China or Canada but beyond these small time fraudsters and pill hucksters does your computer make secret calls to computers in China, Russia or the Cayman Islands?

2. Did you computer come pre-loaded with operating software from the manufacturer? This software could be counterfeit. Try validating your softward online at the Microsoft website and see if your computer runs for cover.

3. Does your computer like to hang out at suspicious websites like 3322.org? Or any other websites you have never visited?

If you answered yes to any of the questions above, you should definitely consider contacting the Microsoft police.

But before you click that final *submit* – consider the possible benefits of having a rogue computer to blame stuff on. Even more useful than a dog for blaming flatulence or unfinished homework on, a black sheep computer could actually save your life.

Not supposed to be online right now? Blame it on the computer. Been playing forbidden games? Not you! Probably the computer. Somebody ate the last cookie? Well we know who did that too. Until this whole Nitol thing is under control, anything is possible.

 

Coming Soon: 1,266 Immortal Cyborg Billionaires

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(SOS/ASAP/WTF??) Finally someone with a solution to the plight of the poor human billionaires. After accumulating enough money to live forever, many of the worlds’ richest humans remain trapped in dying mortal bodies, just like the poorest of the poor. Until now.

This week Russian media entrepreneur Dmitry Itskov has formally invited the worlds 1,266 richest people to become part of his billionaire cyborg project, called the 2045 Initiative.

Will human billionaires live forever as cyborgs?

Mr. Itskov’s plan is to turn the richest humans on earth into holographic humanoids who can hoard their riches for all eternity, without having to worry about greedy widows who might squander their legacy on art school and/or bad marriages.

By 2045, instead of going quietly into the good night while your ungrateful heirs ransack your offshore accounts, Dmitry will have you trading stocks and playing online poker and golf with your billionaire buddies forever, never passing on a penny.

But you say, what if I’m a poor billionaire due to die before the year 2045?

Fear not. Mr. Itskov has thought of everything. Until your hologram is ready, he will provide you with a robot copy of your human body by 2015 that you can drive around with your brain for five years until your first Avatar is ready.

Your custom avatar body should be ready to receive your transplanted billionaire brain by the year 2020. But that’s not all. There’s more. You only have to live as a transplanted brain for five more years.

Billionaires plan your e-eternity with Dmitry

In 2025, Mr. Itskov will extract your consciousness from the organic tissue and transplant it, or program it, into a nice, fresh new artificial brain in an Avatar body of your choice.

This stage in the year 2030 will mark the end of your official human life, and while the last of your organic brain matter may be fed to the zombie hordes (It’s true! Check the fine print.) this is just the beginning of your future as a swinging billionaire hologram.

Because that’s the last step. By 2045 you too can be a hoarding holograph with all the electronic eternity that money can buy. You just have to trust it all to a 31 year-old Russian Star Trek fan. How bad can it be? Sure he’ll probably make a reality show about your e-eternity but isn’t it about time?

SOS Hall of Famer: P5t5r

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Here are the first clues to our first SOS Hall of Fame inductee, meaning from the last year:

Super Moon Survivors of the Month
Coming Soon: Super Moon Survivors

01010011 01110101 01110010 01110110 01101001 01110110 01101111 01110010 00100000 01101111 01100110 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01001101 01101111 01101110 01110100 01101000 00100000 01010000 00110101 01010100 00110101 01010010

2. On first glance he may look like an ordinary human, but once you see him lick his elbow, you’ll be turned onto the fact that he may not be so human after all.

3. He is a dedicated student and occasionally has to take breaks away from the site to make sure that he gets all his schoolwork done to the highest standard.

4. He is very passionate about cyborg-human relations and the rights of a cyborg to be religious, and experience human qualities.

As most of you already guessed that this month’s Survivor of the Month is our very own: P5T5R!!  Congratulations!

A few of our favorite P5T5R moments:

“Cyborgs can be religious. We know someone made the electronic part of us and so it’s easy to believe that someone made the rest too.”

“Can I still haiku?
Or must we not continue
See what I can do.

I’d love to do more
I love to rhyme and haiku
Please let me join you.”

“Now you are one of us and we stick by each other just ask anyone. No one is left behind and someone experienced and knowledgable can always be there for you.”

“A more loyal, dedicated, devoted, kind, courageous, and passionate group than us you probably won’t find.”

P5T5R came to Seth on Survival and tested out the Monstrometer, finding that he was, in fact, a cyborg.  He went on to find out that while he had a layer of human skin, underneath he was a robotic entity.   His ability to lick his elbow was one of the first indicators that he was perhaps a little more than human.

Since that time, P5T5R has been extremely helpful in providing ideas and feedback for Seth about how the site can be more efficient and helpful to new monsters, as well as often offering tips on incidents that may be cyborg related. In fact, this whole survivor profile thing was P5t5r’s idea.

(So did he use his cyborg powers on my Hat App??? That’s a question only he can answer.)

P5t5r has taken up the cause of cyborg rights, and when put to trial, please not-guilty on treating one race better than the other.  (You can follow that trial here: http://sethonsurvival.com/monstrometer/werewolves/comment-page-86#comment-134234 ) And by the way: We support you P5T5R – we know you are passionate about equality.

P5T5R is not a cyborg bent on destroying human kind, and rather spends his time helping, encouraging, and keeping the peace between all of our super-natural beings, and the humans that love them.  The one thing P5T5R hates is being left out, especially when he has so many skills to help.

Though he often sticks closely to his areas of expertise on the Cyborg Page, P5T5R has been known to branch out and visit the other pages, providing insights and responses.

Stop on over at the Cyborg Page sometime, and say:

**01000011 01101111 01101110 01100111 01110010 01100001 01110100 01110101 01101100 01100001 01110100 01101001 01101111 01101110 01110011 00100000 01100110 01110010 01101001 01100101 01101110 01100100

to P5T5R!  And don’t forget to ask his help next time you have a dilemma!

**Translation: Congratulations friend

Gone Robot Fishing

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This just in. Convincing evidence the robot fish have evolved!

Once the size of a tiny minnow, a robot fish caught this week appears to be leading an entire school. There’s no telling how big this could get:
Robot fish are clearly evolving!

Like most great creature stories this one starts with a scientist or ten, in this case we’re talking about mechanical engineers. They started by introducing a robotic minnow to real fish in the wild back in 2008.

What started out as a robot minnow in 2009 has evolved!

This robotic minnow was a perfect imitation of the real thing except one detail – it could move its tail at different speeds and frequencies. Turns out real fish are a bit lazy, just like humans, cause they like to follow in the wake of a faster fish. It wasn’t long before the real fish accepted the robot fish as their leader.

Now just a few years later, the robot fish have evolved and multiplied. Scientists have spotted robot fish of many species: robot carp, robot knife fish even a single robot shark. At this rate there will be more robot fish than real ones.

The robo-carp above was revealed this week by Italian scientists Stefano Marras and Maurizio Profiri who hope to use the robotic fish for good.

“We may be able to influence collective animal behavior to aid environmental conservation and disaster recovery efforts.”

But can the robo-fish be trusted to lead schools of real fish to safety? Or is fishing about to become a whole lot weirder?

Robot camel jockeys go robot fishing.