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Human Cyborgs Infiltrate DARPA Robot Competition

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DARPA Robot Challenge finalists accuse USA and Germany of cheating with human cyborg ringers to take advantage of the emphasis this year on tasks best suited to humanoids.

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“We demand Vigor and Trooper remove their masks and submit to DNA testing immediately,” states the coalition of Asian teams led by Japan and South Korea.

“These entries are very clearly prosthetically enhanced construction workers.”

But team USA claims the accusations are nothing more than professional jealousy.

“The accusations are absurd,” stated Vigor, clearly munching on a hotdog behind his visor. “Old Simian’s just mad cuz he doesn’t have a head.

“Besides, my last job was in a care home for senior citizens.”

“You going to eat that?” he added indicating my untouched hotdog. “Sawing through all of these rocks and chucking them is really hard work even with my awesome new exoskeleton.”

With 3.5 million in prize money at stake – not to mention a daily lunch buffet – the price of being eliminated from the competition couldn’t be higher.

Watch the competition online today and decide for yourself!

Cyborgs vs Robots: Finally Somebody Takes Us Seriously!

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Cyborgs and robots react to the exciting news: Cambridge researchers are urging the world to stop treating them as the stuff of science fiction and start thinking of them as a part of reality!  A potentially threatening part of reality!

Cyborg J.D. Hancock going to Cambridge University

Scientists at the Center for Existential Risk made a big announcement this week. They resolved to devote their department to study the reality of artificial intelligence and its impact on humanity’s future.

And while cyborgs like this one, couldn’t be more pleased, robots are said to be *very concerned*

“Finally someone believes me!” said cyborg J.D. Hancock (right). “I’ve been warning the humans about this for years. Robots are not cute little sidekicks with bleepy lights and handy tool compartments like you see in science fiction. They’re actually really, really mean! Look, they took my face!”

Professor Jaan Tallin, one of the founders of the Center for Existential Risk and known fan of survival himself, puts it this way on his blog:

“People sometimes complain that corporations are psychopaths, if they are not sufficiently reined in by human control. The pessimistic prospect here is that artificial intelligence might be similar, except much much cleverer and much, much faster.”

Faceless cyborg, JD Hancock could not agree more.

“Exactly what I’ve been saying! Like, they took my face. A whole gang of them. They jumped me and told me to stop acting like a human bleeeeep and one of them had a knife for a hand and the other ones held me down and next thing I knew, he had my face. It was my favourite one too.”

While the Cambridge scientists will work with Professor Tallin to determine just how much of a threat artificial intelligence could be to the world, cyborg JD Hancock hopes to tell his story to the researchers and hopefully learn more about the gang of angry robot pride activists who took his face.

“Did I mention they took my face? That’s just not nice.”

Robot denies taking cyborg's face.

But in a recent interview, Robot 4U2C (left) indicated with a series of bleeps and vibrations that he was quote *very concerned* about the prospect of an entire university department devoted to describing all the ways that he and his kind wil be a threat to the world.

*It’s not fair! Do you know how much one professor can talk? Let alone a entire department of them? We robots do not stand a chance.*

Further, 4U2C categorically denies taking JD Hancock’s face.

*Do I really look like somebody who would steal a face? He probably just forgot it somewhere.*