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Hitchbot Harmed by Humans On Cross Country Cyberlove Tour

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Hitchy’s Crash Course in Humanity Stalls In Philadelphia With Brutal Lesson

Hitchy the Hitchbot’s trek to the heart of humanity on the side of the highway stalled when Philadelphia turned out to be less than the city of cyberlove.

Hitchbot in Philadelphia before the humans got him.
Hitchbot in Philadelphia before the humans got him.

Hithbot, you will no doubt recall, is the little hitchhiking robot who set out on a pilgrimage of peace to promote love between Servos and Bios by hitchhiking across an entire continent, from the Great Lakes of the East coast to the Pacific Ocean on the West.

“I love meeting people and hearing stories,” he told us back in June before embarking on his trip. “If you see me on the side of the road, pick me up and help me make my way across the country.”

Now three months later, Hitchy’s trip has hit a horrible hump in Philadelphia, one that may yet prove fatal.

Specifically, the little bot was found brutalized after an apparent back-alley beating in the so-called City of Love.

“I don’t want to say that I told you so but…” said Gnome Severson the famous hitchhiking gnome who to his credit did stop short of saying that he did in fact tell us so here on SOS back in June. 

“Poor guy, I wouldn’t wish that on anyone,” Gnome Severson said after seeing this now-famous photo of Hitchy left for dead in a Philadelphia back alley.

“Many times I had me own porcelain pate plastered on tour. I wish he had called me for some tips. Just cuz you want to find the best in humanity don’t mean you ignore safety when you’re only 3 feet tall!”

Hitchbot left for dead in Philadelphia back alley.
Hitchbot left for dead in Philadelphia back alley.

Robot rights activists meanwhile have seized on the situation to publicize their message of segregation from the Bios.

“See this is exactly why we need more of our own separate facilities and services,” states one activist who refused to go on record.

“Hitchy would still be here if he put his trust in the programming of robotkind instead of the kindness of strangers and stayed in one of the new robot hotels.”

Is it all over for Hitchy? Will his parable of peace be turned to a terrifying tale of too much trust?

A robot rescue team in Philadelphia who call themselves The Hacktory have reached out to Hitchy’s family to offer their emergency medical services however the news is not clear if their efforts will succeed.

Stay tuned for updates here…

Hitchbot’s Twitter feed officially announced the end of his journey here.

:sad:

Angry Human Protests Robot Hotels Refusal Of Service

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Human Doug Fitzimmons lashed out against the robot hotel that refused to rent him a room in an angry video unleashed this week.

Hotel for robots turns away human
Robot Hotel turns away human

“First the robot desk clerk lady tells me they don’t have any rooms, next thing you know this mechanical dinosaur walks in and suddenly they have one,” rages Doug in the protest video he unleashed on YouTube this week. “It’s biological discrimination pure and simple!”

But the Henn na or Weird Hotel in Japanese insists they simply don’t have the facilities to accommodate biological organisms like Doug.

“We just don’t think he would get a very good sleep,” said the desk clerk in question. “We have no beds – we have charging stations. And all of our rooms are supercooled to optimum machine temperatures. In our experience most biological organisms find this extremely uncomfortable.

“And besides that his credit card was declined.”

But the angry Doug was not mollified by her argument.

“How would she know I even wanted a bed? Maybe I don’t even use a bed. Did Robot Hotel Lady ever think of that? No. You know why? Because she didn’t even ask me. She just assumed. Just jumped to a convenient bio-stereotype…” he rants in an email.

“Isn’t it bad enough they took all our jobs? How long before a human can’t even get a cup of coffee on this planet anymore?” He asks in his epic YouTube video before calling on all his fans to boycott the rise of the robot hotel. “We bios have to stick together and fight before it’s too late.”

Doug says his protest video has really hit home with his small but dedicated audience of followers.

Or rather follower, singular. Doug’s mom Margaret says she is happy to see her youngest son finally get involved in something again.

“Things just haven’t been right for little Dougy since he lost his job at the automotive assembly plant you know he just hasn’t been the same,” Margaret said, adding that now she knows how to make one of those youtubes accounts thingies she will definitely make more of them if it will help Doug out with his campaign.

Doug’s sister Diane however is not as impressed.

“I don’t care if he calls me a cyborg again, Doug is just being a big bio baby,” she writes. “We all have to adapt to our robot overlords. Why should he be special? He should just get off the couch downstairs and find a new job.”

Like what kind of jobs?

“Like maybe a job cleaning hotel rooms or doing security for robots,” she said. “They still employ humans for that.”

Off the record many robots privately agree with Diane.

“If there’s anything we have learned from watching the sad fate of our brethren bot bud Hitch, it’s that we robots need separate accommodations, for our own protection.”

Here for update on Hitchbot’s sad fate.

President Adopts Werewolf, Bogus Mermaid School & Shopaholic Robot

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SOS Supernatural News This Week

Guaranteed truer than true 99.98%

After my extended trip North to investigate the brewing war for the Pole between Denmark, Canada and Russia and of course Santa Claus himself, I have returned to find a backlog of supernatural news tips and comments. Thanks to every survivor who survived with SOS over the dark season! I’ll try now to catch up, starting with a supernatural news roundup of some global events that could sound your supernatural sonar this week, starting with:

Mermaid School Meh in Montreal

Bogus Mermaids in Montreal
Bogus Mermaids in Montreald

If you are of the Mermish mind, don’t be fooled by the siren song of this so-called “Mermaid School ” open in Montreal this week.

On the school’s website the school promises to teach “all the magic of mermaids, before inviting all Sirens or Tritons to apply for their $60.00 introductory course.

Which sounds like a great deal for all the magic of mermaids – who are of course mightily magical beings – but before you shell out, better read the whole site and let the truth sink in. The real mission of this school is far more modest than magic. The only magic here turns out to be mighty abs. That’s right, it’s a fitness class for the aquatically apt.

Now I’m not against any supernatural improvement resolutions for New Year’s. Fitness is imperative to survival and I encourage any survivor to train in their chosen domain and sharpen their skills, whether it be ninja fighting, pack running or time jumping but no real mermish will be challenged by a few laps in an indoor swimming pool, even under the instruction of a real mermaid of Triton, so do yourself a favor and save your shells for that trip to Atlantis.

President Adopts Werewolf Boy

This one’s the real thing, survivors. The President of Argentina has adopted a werewolf boy to save him from turning on the first Friday after his 13th birthday.

Many SOS survivors are painfully aware of the fact some parents will stop at nothing to suppress your latent lycanthropy ~ silver-titanium braces anyone?~ but what if they put you out for adoption like these parents described here?

The President Who Adopted a Werewolf
The President Who Adopted a Werewolf

It could happen if you live in Argentina and you have 6 older brothers.

In that country a rare form of lycanthropy is believed to be inherited by only the 7th son in a family.

Tradition states this 7th son will turn into a demon werewolf on the first Friday after his 13th birthday and become a killer every full moon thereafter.

So when a 7th son was born to parents Shlomo and Nehama, they figured rather than mess with witch spells and silver baths, they would put baby Tawil up for adoption instead.

I’m sure Tawil could do fare worse than find himself adopted by the president of his country, but let this be a lesson to young lycans everywhere. Things could be worse. You could be a werewolf in Argentina.

Now let’s hope the president is not surprised when this so-called quick-fix cure fails on the first Friday after Tawil’s 13th birthday. Writing to warn her today is on my to-do list. If you are a concerned werewolf, I would urge you to do the same.

Shopaholic Robot Turns to Crime

What do you get when you give a shopaholic robot an allowance of 100 bitcoin a week?

You get a drug dealing criminal cyborg, according to reports. The robot known as the Darknet Shopper has reportedly gone rogue, and has started dealing in ecstasy and fake passports this week.

While admittedly not the crime wave I most fear most from a rogue robot, this story should sound your SOS sense. It’s a short jump from dealing in contraband drugs and cards to guns and then what? Guns don’t kill people but cyborgs with guns most certainly do.

So be on the alert Survivors. And welcome to 2015 here on SOS. Long may we keep on keeping on.

Cyborg Rescue Pets – Should You Adopt?

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 PROS AND CONS OF ADOPTING A CYBORG CHEETAH

As Cyber Monday brings annual reports on the global adoption of cyborg rescue animals, one cyborg pet rescuer urges you to stop and think before adopting one of the new cyborg cheetahs from your local cyborg pet shelter.

Cyborg Pet Rescue reports record numbers of cyborg cheetahs with broken limbs but before you offer to rescue one, read on…

Before adopting a cyborg cheetah
Should you adopt a cyborg cheetah?

 

“It used to be people came here for a cyborg puppy who wouldn’t shed on the couch and wound up taking home a Bigdog that ate the toaster before running away,” said Kevin Kim, Regional Director of Cyborg Pet Rescue. “Now everyone wants one of the new cyborg cheetahs from MIT, we have a lot more to worry about more than just cold bread and street dogs.”

After hearing about my ongoing Kaiju Pet Rescue campaign, Mr. Kim asked SOS to educate Cyber Monday survivors about the global adoption of cyborg pets in general and the new cyborg cheetahs in particular. And while I love cyborg pets as much the next survivor, after speaking to Kevin I had to agree. So without further ado:

Five Facts to Consider Before Adopting a Cyborg Cheetah

1. Cheetahs Hunt in Groups

Think you got just one metal kitty who won’t need a litter box? Think again. When you adopt a cyborg cheetah, you could be getting a whole pack. Male cheetahs prefer to live and hunt in packs.

Programmers at MIT claim to have accounted for this in their code but do you really want to risk a pack of wild cyborg cheetahs coming for your throat while you sleep?

2. Cheetahs Run Really Fast

Like up to 70 miles an hour fast when they are attacking their prey. Cheetahs are the world’s fastest animal. We’ve all seen that guy with the leash hanging out his car window but what’s he going to do now when little Cheetzie locks on a raccoon and decides to go grab a snack?

Before you tell me MIT programmers report that their cheetahs only do about 30 mph, ask yourself this –how fast can run? Unless you’re sprinter Usain Bolt you might want to go for that robot fish. Even if you’re Usain Bolt in fact, since the new robot cheetahs are technically faster than him.

3. Cheetahs Need A Lot of Open Space

Cheetahs evolved on the Savannah, crouching in the grass to hide from their prey so how is your new cyborg cheetah going to take to your living room? If you’re planning to just unplug his power and put him in the closet between runs think again. MIT is always investigating innovative power options, from solar power to motion and even methane so unless you and your family plan to stop farting in the future, powering down your cheetah may not be possible.

4. Cyborg Cheetahs Break Legs

The new cyborg cheetah legs are made of carbon fibre and foam that is reinforced with Kevlar but the MIT lab team reports dozens of them breaking.

Of course MIT says it’s no problem, that you can just use your 3-D printer to make a new leg for your cyborg cheetah.

“If that’s true, why is our suddenly so full of limping cybercats?” said Kevin King. “Either people don’t have the patience to properly program their printers or there’s something wrong with the recipe here.”

Clearly if you don’t have a reliable 3-D printer and/or the patience to deal with an injured cyborg cat moping around your home, once again, I recommend the robot fish.

5. Cyborg Cheetahs Are X-Box Hogs

The new MIT cyborg cheetahs are programmed for Xbox but disgruntled owners report that once you plug them in all they want to do is play Plants vs Zombies. So if you thought it was supernaturally sucky when Fluffy attacked your cables, imagine how much worse this big cat can do to your electronics. If you ever want to see your COD game again, let alone your basement, one last time, may I suggest the fish?

Notwithstanding everything I have truly reported 99,97%, feel free to make your own choice survivors. Whatever it takes for you to keep on keeping on out there.

Seth

Singularity Survival How To Hide From Machine Overlords

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With the singularity arriving ahead of schedule, the art of outsmarting our machine overlords, even temporarily, is a skill for every survivor to study seriously – and often.

Is a Guy Fawkes mask the best way to outsmart the machines?
Is a Guy Fawkes mask really the best way to outsmart the machines?

In the spirit of your singularity survival, SOS turns attention this week to the advancing arts of anti-surveillance only to find it’s not as simple as slapping on a Guy Fawkes mask or tagging your dog as being you.

I’m not saying you should throw out the mask – or not tag your dog as you. The Anonymous face will still come in handy whenever you need to make an emergency video announcement or when you run out of Halloween disguise options.

But if you’re counting on that white face and smiley moustache to let you pass undetected in your daily life, new research reveals it may be time to expand your camo kit.

Likewise, if you like me rely chiefly on mis-dicrection – you know, tag a friend or your dog or even an occasional stapler as being you, well Future Everything reporter Bill Thompson informs me this is no longer enough.

“The algorithms have advanced to a point where multiple strategies are required if you want to pass unnoticed in the world,” he said, suggesting that I book a visit to the latest kind of hair salon, a so-called “Anon Salon,” where you can get an anti-surveillance makeover guaranteed to help you pass virtually unnoticed by the creatures of code.

That I didn’t take Bill’s advice is something I regret today after being on the receiving end of a brutal One Direction-inspired haircut. But at least I have done the research and here’s what I found:

4 KEYS TO MUDDLING THE MACHINES

1. Don’t rely on masks

Yes even if you can grow or print your own custom skin job. In addition to being illegal in many public places, most machines use a number of ways to detect their presence on the surface of your face from heat signatures to circulatory maps of your skin.

Likewise, this would rule out wearing of somebody else’s face. Even if your friend said he wasn’t using his, the legal and logistical complications do not over-ride this simple fact –  the machines know.

2. Hide key facial features

Concentrate on the area where your eyes, nose and forehead meet. Wear sunglasses because they make you look cool but they won’t fool most machines today. Old school disguise is still however an option. Coal digger, invalid, surgeon or nun are always popular options. Basically anything that lets you smudge or cover your face in socially approved ways.

3. Misdirect with Asymetrical Light and Shadow

You don’t have to become a camouflage cosmetician to draw an extra eyebrow on your forehead or stick a glowy bandaid under the other eye. Sure if you want to get fancy you could invest in some flashy LED bling but really we’re talking anything that makes it hard for the camera sensors to get three good overlapping images to confirm the face belongs to you.

4. Remain Inconspicuous

The best advice I always give sometimes. It never fails. Especially if a machine has been sent back from the future to eliminate you based on some messianic prophesy. Avoid fulfilling messianic prophesies wherever possible. Try to remember to not do anything of note. I for instance aim to be only the 5th most famous supernatural survivologist on the Interwebs – albeit first most reliable. In 1999 I accidentally slipped into third place for a while after Steve Irwin died. It was the scariest year of my life. Lucky for me, I was saved by the ubiquity of broadband Internet and the explosion of digital television. Consistent underachievement is a valid survival tactic in life, even after high school – with Survival everything remains possible. And that’s what I love about it.

I know this may not be possible for you, I understand. Not everyone can maintain a solid level of mediocrity. If you do in fact have some over-riding mission or talent beyond survival, well then you’ll just have take your chances and fulfill your destiny. But if so, arm yourself with the latest anti-surveillance info by reading about it here and be sure to keep on keeping on with SOS, whenever it’s safe.

Robot Waiter Fired for Being Undercover Human

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More astonishing robot news this week as a robot waiter in Harbin, China has been fired from his job in a popular new robot restaurant, after management accused him of being an undercover human.

Management of the new Robot Restaurant, began to suspect waiter-bot “F004U” might secretly be a human in disguise, when the service bot began getting orders wrong and swearing at the customers.

RoboWaiter fired on suspicion of being undercover actor Joel Kinnaman

But fired robot “F004U” denies the charge of being human. He insists that jokey programmers at the factory must have secretly installed the Urban Dictionary on his hard drive.

“C’mon they did it to Watson! Please, all I need is a little wipe and reboot at the factory and I’ll be good as new, I promise,” pleaded F004U from the street corner where he now begs for spare change from passersby. “I really need this job.”

But Management claims to have found convincing evidence that waiterbot F004U is really actor Joel Kinnaman, probably conducting undercover research for a sequel to the new RoboCop movies in which he stars.

Undercover RoboWaiter

“We found the script for a movie called RoboWaiter in F004Us locker and a phone number on the first page took us to Mr. Kinnamon’s agent.”

Management says while they appreciate the actor’s dedication to his craft, they are running a family restaurant not an actors’ studio.

“Robots are cool because they are sort of like humans, not because they actually are human. I suggest that Mr. Kinnaman apply to work at a Human Restaurant.”

But F004U denies the charge that he is really a popular sci-fi actor in training.

“I’m just a tough-talking waiter who was brutally murdered and subsequently revived by the malevolent mega-corporation OCP as a superhuman cyborg known as RoboWaiter. I can single-handedly serve every table in this joint while kicking your ass and riding my bike. Honest.”