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New Dr. Frankenstein Reveals Global Head Transplant Army

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New real life Dr. Frankenstein, Sergio Canavaro wants the world to know how he plans to start transplanting human heads with the help of his global army.
FrankensteinDoctor
Dr. Sergio Canaverostein revealed the existence of his global head transplantation army in this phone interview as he promised to achieve the world’s first human to human head transplant by 2017.

“Let it be said that I already put together a veritable army all over the world, including the United States and Canada, that is ready to embark on this incredible moonshot,” brags the freaky doctor. “The procedure is actually very simple.

According to the Frankendoctor, all he needs is 36 hours, a coordinated team of about 150 nurses and… and ~ what was that other thing again?… Oh yeah! ~ a healthy donor body.

Human critics note that while the freaky doctor claims a “long line” of head donors among his global army, he makes no mention of the other half of the equation, ie: willing healthy donor bodies.

“This news should alarm every human who possesses a healthy human body with its own head,” warns SOS’s Seth Greening. “If you thought kidney snatchers were hazardous to your survival, can I remind you about the body snatchers?”

“Unless these head donors all plan to just swap bodies – which I doubt – then the world needs to prepare for a new Invasion of the Body Snatchers.”

Seth urges anyone with a healthy human body already attached to a head to fake an illness or neuro-muscular condition immediately.

HOW TO FOOL A BODY SNATCHER

1. Use a Mobility Device For A Prop

Better fakers can achieve a lot with a simple cane but can you really sustain that palsied gait 100% of the time? If not, you must consider shelling out the money for a more convincing prop, like a wheelchair. The good ones can also double as superfast getaway vehicles.

2. Wear a Medic Alert

A blood borne illness is easiest to act but maybe too subtle for a careless body snatcher who may forget to check for the jewelry until it’s too late.

3. Hide A Limb

Unless you can hop on one leg, arms will be easier than legs. Keep one or both arms safely stashed under your jacket and leave the empty sleeves swinging in the wind. Guaranteed to fool 55% of invading body snatchers under most weather conditions.

SOS Doppelgänger Day Danger Deja You

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WHAT REALLY GOES DOWN WHEN THE DOUBLE DAY DAWNS

Whether you call them clones, evil twins or something more gangsta like doppelganger, this is the day to avoid – or do I mean face? them. Doppleganger Day is the result of a rigorous scientific calculation to determine the day of most double danger for you.  So don’t be caught on clone feet by your double dude. Be on the lookout for others who look too much like you today.*

*WARNING: REQUIRES YOU TO KNOW WHAT YOU LOOK!

While this sounds self-evident ~ easier said than done. How much do you really see yourself in that mirror afterall? I’m not just being philosophical here. That spinach between my teeth in my third video should be proof enough but did you ever show baby photos and ask a friend guess which one is you and wonder why they couldn’t?

Exactly! So today of all days, get a good hard look at yourself before you go out and stumble on your deja you.

Why? Because no matter what your doppelganger dogma, the copy around clones colliding on this day is never calming. Consider the following four fortunes:

1. One of You Must Die 

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It goes like this. When you meet your Other, one of you must die, right there, on the spot. Without further ado, a doppleganger duel to the death must ensue, following the rules of the road. No extraneous conversation outside cap-worthy comments about how alike you really are or that you could have been friends…

2.You Will Die In 48 hours

(Full Disclosure: my personal belief.)

On the Day of the Doppleganger, any physical contact between doubles will result in a slow 48- hour death for the one whose world in which the encounter took place ie: this one.

That’s right certain death within 48 hours. “Certain,” that is unless… Unless what? Well that depends on the situation. But should you find yourself facing a 48-hours unless-death, you might want to spend the next 48 hours trying to figure that out.

On the bright side there usually IS one unless… 

Unless there isn’t.

3. Your Entire World Will End

We’re talking not just dead here. We’re talking erased from existence and all memory. So how does anyone even know about this happens? Just trust me. It’s a fact. And a nasty one at that.

4. You Go For Coffee With Someone Almost As Fascinating As You. 

Oh it sounds like a great outcome, I know. And if your doppleganger diary runs this way then lucky for you. But don’t blame me if it reads like mine….

...then he wouldn’t stop talking… and talking and talking, not even when I started pointing to my imaginary watch then signing up at FakeAngryGirlfriendTexts.com. Dude just loves to hear the sound of his own voice. I know, I know it IS a great voice….

So please Survivors, tomorrow more than ever, watch the spehelling on the site. And if you’re wondering WHY be sure and check out this helpy survival video on this timely topic here.

Enter the Eggmen How to Fight a John Lennon Clone

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“I am he, as you are he, as you are me and we are all together…” 

(Lyrics to I Am The Walrus)

When a Canadian dentist announced his intention this week to clone dead singer John Lennon from one of his remaining teeth, Beatles fans worldwide began preparing to herald the era of the Eggmen prophesied in one of the fab five’s most famous songs, namely, I Am The Walrus.

Beware the Eggmen
Enter the Eggmen! Soon John Lennon clones will be everywhere.

In fact many Beatles super fans claim the old walrus himself was in fact already a clone or clones of an alien being when he wrote the song.

“Look at the lyrics. The Eggmen? Get it? He’s clearly writing about the experience of being some kind of clone, possibly an alien one,” explained Beatles fan Ben Dayle. “No doubt about it. The Eggmen are coming.”

While cloning might explain the Beatles prodigious catalogue of hits in  a remarkably short period of time, is the world ready now for a new army of Eggmen bent on revolution? How will you face the coming John Lennon clones?

If you don’t want to be caught in the Eggman Evolution, better get cracking! Prepare to face any Eggman without fear and defeat him with the following tips:

1. Give him a guitar.

While genetic memory is a controversial area of research in humans, when it comes to alien Eggmen, it’s a proven fact that traits in one generation are passed down to the next. So the next time you face an angry John Lennon clone, try giving him a guitar, preferably a Rickenbacker 325 if you have one handy but any guitar will do in a pinch.

2. Or a Cornflake

That’s right a single cornflake. Why? Because an Eggman will sit on it, for hours. Or until a van comes. Whichever happens first. (This too is foretold in I Am The Walrus.)  It’s unclear if a Frosted Flake will have the same effect so don’t take the chance, stick to the formula here and use a corn flake.

3. Make a Paul McCartney clone and pit him against the John Lennon clone.

John Lennon is angrier but Paul is crafty. Who would win? Who knows? Probably neither but one thing is sure, between fights, they might make some great music.

4. Remind him to give peace a chance.

Sing it if you can and make a peace sign. It’s their weakness. Try not to be wearing a suit.

5. Ask, who is the Walrus again?

Historically, John Lennons have been vexed by the question, giving contradictory answers over time in different songs. Is it Paul? Or the other John Lennon? The correct answer is beside the point here, the real point is just to vex the Eggmen mind long enough to distract them.

6. Join the opponents of Canadian dentist Michael Zuk who say to just, Let It Be!