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Orlando Grinch Denies Grinchscaping Gig, Claims Kinship With Sasquatch

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The Case of the Grinchscaping Goons

Hang onto you holiday tree, the season of the Grinch is officially underway, with new reports of missing trees and mistletoe already but one unusually gregarious Grinch from Orlando is denying his guilt — only to point one long green finger at an unexpected suspect.

Sasquatches deny his claims.
Sasquatches deny Orlando Grinch’s claims.

SOS readers will recall how the grinchmas gang upped their game in 2013, going after holiday trees en masse with vans and trucks in place of sacks and sleighs, long before Christmas Eve.

After a lengthy police investigation resulted in no arrests of any Grinches, SOS aka: me, Seth of sethonsurvival, the seventh most popular and first most reliable supernatural survivologist on the Interwebs, has decided to take on the case in 2014 and save Christmas for all…

I’ve always wanted to save Christmas for all. Even for the majority of the globe who don’t officially celebrate it. Nay, especially for them. Because who knows when they might want to give it a try? And really how hard could it be?

All I had to do was track down one of the Grinches and interrogate him using my secret survivological interview techniques to elicit a confession.

With that in mind I headed to Orlando last week, home of one of the worlds most gregarious Grinches. Yes that’s right, the one who has turned turned his green infamy into green cash with his grinchy sideshow. Now locating this grinch and getting him to talk to me was the easy part but getting him to tell the truth? Not as easy, as you will see below.

Interrogation of A Grinch

Me: So you call yourself the Orlando Grinch…

O.G.: No no no. The Grinch. I call myself The Grinch. The one and only. You can call me Mr. The Grinch.

Me: Let me get this straight. You claim to have carried off the Great Grinchmas Tree Heist of 2013 all by yourself? Who drove and unloaded all the vans for you?

O.G.: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Me: I think you do Sir. The vans were clearly marked GLOBAL GRINCHSCAPING INC.

O.G. I am on record clearly stating that I do not, nor have I ever, engaged in grinchscaping. Have you listened to my interview on the topic?

Me: Oh yeah, I heard your puff piece of personal propaganda, but I’m not talking about your personal grooming habits Sir. I’m talking about the fact that you and your gang no longer have the gall to wait for Christmas Eve to start stealing the season. What happened to you Orlando, you all get too fat for the Chimblies? Or is this a new level of Grinchy greed?

O.G.: Are you calling me fat?

Me: Well yeah but more than that, I’m calling you greedy. You and all the other grinches going global with your operation.

O.G.: That’s absurd. As previously stated, there are no other grinches but me. I am the One True Grinch.

Me: Suit yourself. Then you’ll take the rap for the whole gang and spend the rest of your days in an Antarctic block of ice. This is your last chance to sing before this blog post gets ways too long and I take this recording to the police…

O.G.: Wait, wait. Maybe I do know something about the crime in question… but you’re talking to the wrong guy here.

Me: Is that so?

O.G.: Of course. You really think I would risk my Orlando operation for a small time tree reclamation project? Think about it. Who has the most to gain from taking back the trees before there’s even any presents underneath them?

Me: Why don’t you enlighten me.

O.G.: Think about it. You should be talking to one of my cousins.

Me: Your cousins?

O.G.: Sasquatch? Hello? You don’t think it bothers them, this whole tree business? Sure it doesn’t stop them chowing down on the roast beast like everybody else, but they’ve been griping about it for years. They rely on those trees you know, for landmarks and shelter , not to mention toothpicks. And we all know about their urban delivery service. See they already have the infrastructure.

Me: So you claim that sasquatches are framing the grinches? That’s absurd. Even if I accept that sasquatch is related to you, how long would it take for a Sasquatch to dye all of his fur green? By the time he got finished, he would have to start over.

O.G.: We’re done here. Talk to Sasquatch. I want my lawyer.

 

Globe Faces Dark Declaration as Battle for the Light Continues

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Dark yuletidings from parts of Canada and the USA, as the annual battle for the light drags on without resolution this season, the globe is facing the possibility of an official Dark Christmas declaration.

Kertaskinir steals the light
SCIA searching for suspect who goes by the name Kertaskinir

As seasoned survivors recall, keeping the light lit is an important part of Christmas for beings of many denominations around the globe. But the part many have forgotten is this – if the light doesn’t stay lit through Christmas, the dark can be declared victorious and the entire globe will face a Dark Year.

That’s right, an entire year of darkness. No sunrise, no sunset, no fireplace channel on Netflix. In fact, no Netflix at all.  Just a fun-filled year of scrounging for firewood in dark scary woods full of triumphant dark spirits who take every opportunity to laugh at you. It’s no fun.

Even vampires hate a year of darkness. And so do I. It’s the main reason I wage my annual defensive decorating campaign, to prevent this situation from occurring. (Well that and I love finely aged tree bacon.)

So what happened this year? Somebody put one too many lights on the Christmas Tree? Not enough Baconsil? Or part of a sinister demonic plot?

With road crews still working around the clock to restore power before a Dark Christmas can be officially declared, the SCIA (Santa Claus Intelligence Agency) is searching for a suspect, an Icelandic terrorist who goes by the name of Kertaskinir (see photo).

The lone man, described as a cross between a troll and a demon, is a known agent affiliated with a local cell known as the Yule Lads who fight on behalf of undisclosed spirits to defeat Christmas and bring a year of darkness and chaos.

Kertaskinir or “Kert” for short, is largely considered the most dangerous of the 13 terrorist trolls. His modus operandi is to strike on Christmas Eve, with a relatively straightforward strategy. That is to say, he goes straight for the lights.

A Dark Year doesn't have to mean no phone anymore.
Prepare for the Dark Year with a Power Pot.

In modern times Law enforcement had stopped taking old Kert seriously. writing him him off as an unsophisticated folkloric candle thief, whose skills seemed limited to Grinch-style tactics of petty vandalism and theft. You know, unplugging Christmas trees and smashing Christmas lights. Nobody suspected old Kert could develop the technology to mastermind a blackout of this magnitude, until now.

Anyone with information about this terrorist troll is being urged to contact their local authorities as soon as possible or leave the info below as

Meanwhile, I invite all survivors to begin preparing for the Dark Year ahead. Starting with this handy little Power Pot. Lucky for me, I found one under the tree this year. Mainly because I put it there but that’s okay it’s all about giving and this is what I gave myself – a pot that boils water and uses that energy to charge your phone or iPod or even your electric rollerskates at the same time. Thank you Seth, your very thoughtful. You’re welcome Seth.

Don’t let the Dark Year ahead get you down! If you haven’t given yourself the gift of this handy electricity generating piece of camp cookery, what are you waiting for?

 

Traditional Tree Decorating Made Easy: Baconsil for Cold Spirits!

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Between dangerous Boxing Day sales and zombie mall Santas, it’s so easy to forget the real spirit of the season –  that is, the spirits of the season. Unfortunately, these dark spirits will not forget about you. Did you decorate for survival?

Oldentimey survivors understood the dangers of these long, dark nights filled with fear of illness, bad sweaters and family ferment. Groaning, hungry, cold shadowy spirits who roam the dark land. It’s not just about Grinches and Grylas or Zwarte Pietes. We’re talking Night Runners, El Cucos, Yule Cats, Sandmen and Krampuses. Why else would we need so many bright lights and angels and miracles right now? That’s why a traditional tree is not just a convenient gift stand, it’s a trap for dangerous spirits.

The spirits of the season love baconsil.
The spirits of the season love baconsil.

Well Oldentimey folks knew this. They were the first understand the importance of a tasteful, in fact a downright tasty, Christmas tree. That’s right, forget about how it looks, your Christmas tree has to TASTE good. Because you use it to lure the spirits of darkness indoors with a happy green tree decked with edible.

Why would you want to lure spirits indoors, you may ask? It does seem counter-intuitive but believe it or not, it’s simple – a tree full of powerful, well-fed spirits is a tree full of happy spirits who will protect you and your family from all kinds of things, annoying Yule cats and Grinches for instance but more importantly, from other hungry spirits of darkness.

This is very important. Traditional decorations include nuts, apples, muffins, mashmallow or popcorn garlands and of course, long strips of bacon draped over the branches. In short, everything a spirit needs to stay warm and happy and out of trouble! Compare that to the Christmas trees of today. How many spirits will starve in those boughs, hung with glittering plastic balls and synthetic garlands? Do we really need to be reminded that any spirit with the MUNCHIES is a NASTY one? Take my word for it. Pop some corn, slap it on a string and get it up there *STAT!* Your family is depending on you. Better yet, break out some bacon and drape it over the branches. That will keep them busy longer. Where do you think tinsil comes from anyway?

Let me be clear. I am not saying you should abandon a defensive strategy of trapping the light in your Christmas tree branches. This is a sound strategy for some ie: survivors with a back up generator and/or a good fire extinguisher but if your tree depends on electricity alone, you are leaving your family undefended in the case of a power outage.  Why not hedge your bets and arm your tree with some happy, well-fed spirits?

Take this advice and all should go smoothly. Spirits stay happy and fall asleep in the branches, the sun will return and we survive another Christmas like the triumphant seasonal survivors that we have always historically been.

Yule Cat Self-Defense Is Your Ugly New Christmas Sweater Ready?

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SOS from the Seasonal Survival file, as you prepare to face the next holiday horror, that most spiteful spirit of Christmas, the dread Icelandic Yule Cat, remember there’s a right way and a wrong way to stop old Jólakötturinn the demon from eating your eyeballs on December 22.

If you don't have a new sweater, why no REnew an old one?
When the Yule Cat comes on December 22 will your sweater pass muster?

Quick review if you haven’t faced him – or her –  yet. Jólakötturinn the Yule Cat is a demon who stalks the earth this time of year, ready to attack people who wear old sweaters on December 22.  The demon is the number one reason for the ugly sweater season, another example of an ancient tradition steeped in survival.

And what kind of demon kills old sweater-wearers, you might ask? A Yule Cat demon, obviously but some say the fevered feline was once the sold soul of a supermodel who made a deal with the devil for catwalk riches, and now is doomed to spend eternity as a catty demon who polices polyester.

Whatever his true origin,  on December 22, the winter solstice,  Jólakötturinn the Icelandic Yule Cat will attack anyone who fails to don some new apparel in the form of an ugly new Christmas sweater.

Now full confession here, yes in the past I have stated that if you don’t have an ugly new Christmas sweater to wear on December 22, you can and should RE-new an ugly OLD one and that this would be sufficient to deter the demon cat. In fact I’ve written long articles ignored by millions if not billions around the globe about how to fool the Yule Cat in precisely this way, with an ugly Christmas sweater that seems new.

But there is a right way and a wrong way to go about renewing an old sweater and this year a group of irresponsible baseball players may be trying to get themselves killed.

For instance check out this sweater. Pitcher Brandon League’s efforts to protect himself and his gf from the Yule Cat and win the ugly sweater sweepstakes prompted him to glue garlands and candy canes to the front of some old sweaters (above)  and while I applaud the pitcher for effort, he appears to have overlooked one important fact here. These sweaters are both:

a) nowhere near ugly enough to deflect Jólakötturinn’s jaudiced eye. Especially not that one on his girlfriend, let’s be honest. It’s pretty hot.

b) basically will turn you into a walking cat toy. That stuffed Yeti on the front of Brandon’s sweater may be intended to scare away the Yule Cat but it will likely have the opposite effect. Sure demons hate Yeti but what feline could resist taking a swipe at you in one of those? After all, Jólakötturinn is still a cat and like all cats, enjoys attacking loose threads and stuffed animals.

(In fact some claim the Yule Cat doesn’t exactly mean to scratch your face off and eat your eyeballs, that he’s just likes playing with loose thread. But that’s a whole other debate.)

Pitcher Max Scherzer knows how to keep the Yule Cat away.
Pitcher Max Scherzer knows how to keep the Yule Cat away. Unfortunately, his wife will never make it.

So does this mean you shouldn’t try to disguise your ugly old Christmas sweater as an ugly new Christmas sweater to fool the most unfestive feline?

Not at all. I still stand by my words. If you can’t afford a brand new ugly sweater, take a note from the work of Max Scherzer. There’s a good reason this pitcher is in the Big 12 – he knows how to survive.  By gluing an arrangement of felt stockings to the front of his sweater every year, he can easily fool the Yule Cat without drawing his attention. It is both ugly enough and looks different enough from the previous year to pass muster.

(Unfortunately, the girlfriend again, is likely not going to make it. Is that even a sweater she’s wearing? Too bad but as a professional baseball player Max can probably find a replacement.)

DARKEST DARK NIGHT DECORATING TIPS

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Between dangerous Xmas shopping and zombie mall Santas it’s easy to forget the real danger lurking between you and all that Christmas turkey. We’re talking about the Winter Solstice. This year the longest, darkest night of the year  – for half of the world – will be 8.5 percent longer and darker due to the convergence of a full lunar eclipse. (Note to any Southern Hemispherians at this point – Please read this article upside-down.)

Whether you call it Winter Solstice or  “Alban Arthuan” or “Yule” December 21 in the northern hemisphere is always pretty dark, both literally and figuratively. Normally a full 18 hours of dark, scary thoughts like, what do I get her for Christmas? What did I get her last year? And where’s that crazy Icelandic Yule Cat and why does he always attack me ? Add to it this year an extra 1.5 hours of terrifying awareness like, Why is the moon turning red? Is it bleeding?

The answer is yes. No. Maybe. This solstice December 21 brings with it a full lunar eclipse. The first solstice lunar eclipse since 1554, according to NASA. Beginning around 1:30 am EST which is around 5:30 Universal Time, the shadow of the earth will swallow the full moon for some 72 minutes of celestial mayhem. I don’t want to alarm anyone but the last time this happened it wasn’t good! Remember 1554? Me either. NOBODY DOES! Sounds like a total blackout to me.  A dreaded Year of Darkness.

So how can we prevent this happening again? Well Oldentimers knew what to do in this situation. Those decorations are not just about annoying your neighbors. They have roots in survival – and preventing another year of darkness. Start by decorating your holiday tree appropriately. A traditional tree is not just a convenient gift stand, it’s a trap for dangerous spirits. You use it to lure the spirits of darkness indoors with a happy green tree decked with edible. This is very important. Traditional decorations included nuts, apples, muffins and long strips of bacon draped over the branches. In short, everything a spirit needs to stay warm and happy and out of trouble! Compare that to the Christmas trees of today. How many spirits will starve in those boughs, hung with glittering plastic balls and synthetic garlands? Do we really need to be reminded that any spirit with the MUNCHIES is a NASTY one? Take my word for it. Pop some damn corn, slap it on a string and get it up there *STAT!* You family is depending on you. Better yet, break out some bacon and drape it over the branches. That will keep them busy longer. Where do you think tinsil comes from anyway?

Xmas Bacon
Xmas Baconsil!

After you’ve fed the spirits, it’s time to pitch in on the annual Luring of the Light. Unless you really WANT to live in darkness for 12 more months? If not, then get out there and cajole the sun like your ancestors did. Remember, electric lights don’t count. Dust off that Yule log and haul it in and if you haven’t kept one from last year? First of all SHAME ON YOU!  With the annual fate of the whole world at stake all you had to do was save a piece of log. Was that really so hard? Now what? Maybe light a candle, preferably two.  There’s no hard data on how much light our star requires to make its encore, so every flame counts.

Take this advice and all should go smoothly again this Solstice. Spirits stay happy, the sun will return and we finish Christmas shopping on December 24 like the triumphant seasonal survivors that we have always historically been.