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Don’t Let Dark Spirits Cramp-us Your Christmas Style

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Five Supernaturally Simple Dos to Keep Away the Krampii  

Sure, defending against dark spirits like Krampus is a little more complicated than swapping your sweater to foil that crazy Icelandic Yule Cat but it’s not as hard as Hollywood makes it out to be and you probably don’t need any heavy artillery.

(Unless we’re talking Mallie zombies here… in which case you might want some heavy artillery.)

No, all you really need are few sound seasonal supernatural survivological principles like the following:

Anti-krampus cookie by Odinn
Anti-Krampus cookie by Odinn

1.  Do bake some cookies

Sure you could just buy some and yes they would be cheaper but their manufactured uniformity and scary ingredients list also appeals to the darkest spirits. 

Even your crumbliest anti-Krampus cookie or your burntest bundt, buche or brownie is more spiritually effective. Some recent survivilogical research suggests its the smell of the baking process itself that keeps the good spirits happy and the Krampus away. So don’t wait, fire up your oven today. 

2. Do keep the Yule fire or light burning.

Whether its the lights on your tree, the log in your grate or the candles in your menorah  the lights of the season are an essential part of guiding good spirits to your home who will keep the dark ones like Krampus at bay.

(The other essential factor?  Review the SOS guide to seasonal survival, decorating for self-defense. In a word, it’s all about the baconD…)

3. Do remain mindful of all your old toys before moving on to the new.

Neglecting old toys is a a supernaturally bad idea. In the icy claws of a bad spirit like Krampus, old toys become a supernaturally good weapon or juju prop. It’s all about showing care and gratitude. So before demanding anything new this year, review the old with gratitude and find a good home for anything you don’t want anymore. 

4. Do remember the true spirit of season.

Here’s a hint – it’s about self-sacrifice and giving to others. Yes it’s a cliche but it’s also basic supernatural survivological self-defense. Geneticists still aren’t sure why or how yet but we do know now that practice this spiritual truth will survive the darkest hours while those who don’t… don’t. 

So don’t give any Krampuses – Krampii? –  a  hairy cloven hoof in the door of your spiritual wheelhouse. This season focus on what you can do for others.

5. Do keep that Krampus gift. 

Some say it will be a lump of coal, others that it will be a bell signed by the dark lord himself. Whatever it is, when you unwrap this strange gift you will know you survived an encounter with evil and likely saved someone you love – but just by the skin of your teeth. So keep the gift as a reminder to keep making the supernatural effort to keep your spiritual self-defenses up all year around.

Need more SOS seasonal supernatural self-defense? Find some here.

 

When Krampus Komes Will You Survive or Be Dragged Down?

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Dos and Don’ts For Krampus Survival

Krampus, the second most feared spirit of the season is officially on the loose tonight and sure to be roaming a street near you. Don’t be dragged to the depths of despair by this creepy Christmas cryptid, read and prepare your survival plan today.

An SOS red and green alert.

Cramps comes tonight!
Krampus comes tonight!

Krampusnacht, December 6 marks the start of Krampus’ killer season as official enforcer of the naughty list.

He comes armed with birch whips and chains for sure, and possibly killer cookies and elves, to drag you adn the ones you love most down the depths of the nearest hellevator shaft or portal.

But don’t despair. Armed with SOS handy list of Dos and Donts, you too can cramp Krampus’ killer style.

Tonight we start with the DON’T list

DON’T:

1. Don’t talk trash about Santa Claus. 

Old Krampus is St. Nick’s sidekick and enforcer, some say his older uncle, the original keeper of the naughty list. A demonic dude of the genus gargoylious seaonalus,  some say Krampus is the progenitor of all grinches.

2. Don’t complain about the food.

Nobody cares if you hate your aunt Greely gross fruit cake suck it up and smile. Otherwise you risk raising the ire of the Spirit of the Season that bring Krampus down on your Christmas.

3. Don’t peek at your gifts

A little shake and sniff is far enough don’t even think about peeling a corner of that paper. Think nobody would notice? Think again. He sees you when you’re sleeping… you really think he’ll overlook this one?

4. Don’t bite the head of that gingerbread! 

For Christmas sake, start with a hand or a foot, at least until you are certain it doesn’t move or talk. That said, collecting only the heads is equally creepy so… use some discretion here. If there’s a polite way to consume the face of a vaguely human-shaped cookie, I urge you to find it before Krampus and his killer cookies find you first.

5. Don’t ditch your family.

You might want to hang with your friends but now is not the time. No, the spirits of the season demand you spend it en familia, soaking in some wise elder ways… or else… Would it kill you to hear Bubbies’s Hanukkah story one more time? No? Then listen up and learn it because the alternative just might.

And now you know what NOT to do. Stay tuned tomorrow night when we do the DOs. Until then, you would do well to review the intel on that other nasty spirit, the Icelandic Yule Cat and his cousin the GRINCH.

Krampus Komming Tonight!

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Krampusnacht Survival 

Are you ready to face Krampus? The most feared Christmas cryptid comes armed with birch whips and bathtubs to drag you down the nearest hellevator shaft tonight. So unless you’ve confirmed your name on the official not-naughty list, read on.

An SOS red and green alert.

Cramps comes tonight!
Krampus comes tonight!

Mark it on your survival calendar, for the next two nights Krampuses will break their chains to roam free on the streets, armed with birch whips and bags – or believe it or not bathtubs –  on their backs to drag down the naughty.

So unless you’ve been 100% not-naughty – and who among us can claim that? –  don’t be caught unawares! Prepare your anti-Krampus kit, stat!

A brief review for those not in the know. Old Krampus is St. Nick’s sidekick, the original keeper of the naughty list. A demonic dude of the genus gargoylious,  some say Krampus is the progenitor of all grinches. Others that he – or she – is the leader of a certain coven of nasty witches who rule the darkest hours of the year.

Whatever his taxonomy, defending against Krampus is a little more complicated than swapping your sweater to foil that crazy Icelandic Yule Cat… but seriously don’t forget to do that either… that Icelandic Yule Cat is coming too…

Complicated but luckily not impossible if you like me, have prepared your Krampusnacht Survival Kit.

Krampusnacht Survival Kit

1. Letter of Good Service from St. Nick

It’s not foolproof but if you have one handy, a letter of service from St. Nicholas will stop any Krampus in his tracks. The letter should highlight a few of the not-naughtiest deeds you performed this year.

But you say, Seth, I don’t have such a letter! Don’t despair. Even if you didn’t have the foresight to request one from St. Nick in advance, you can still prepare one in time. In fact, tonight it’s easier than any time of the year, with many St. Nick emergency certification services online waiting to sign your reprieve.

Of course to use these services you’ll need to prepare you own letter, truthfully outlining your outstanding moments from the past year and send it in for St. Nick certification. Beat the rush! Aim for at least three examples of exemplary behaviour and send yours in immediately. Even the naughtiest among us can find at least three magic moments of good enoughness in any given year.

If not, well, then, you’ll probably enjoy your time hanging with the Krampii anyway.

2. Pack a Pistol of Distilled Spirit Water

Get out that water gun – or better yet cannon – and fill it full of spirit water, preferably one that is fruit based.

Different than holy water, spirit water comes from many sources. Now some supernatural survivalists will try to tell you the best source is a certain glacier or spring in a far flung place but when it comes to old Krampus, the easiest and cheapest way is to just make your own spirit water. Mash a rotten fruit into some dilute rubbing alcohol and fill your cannon. Then stand back and aim carefully because each hit will send up a tower of flames.

And don’t be fooled by anyone who tells you schnapps is is the best ammo. This is a rumour from the Krampus PR team who know how much their client loves a tasty alcoholic shot in the mouth. Sure it’s effective stopping a Krampus in his tracks, but it’s expensive and when it runs out you’re still in trouble. So take it from me, save your pennies and raid the back of the fridge for a fermenting fruit instead.

3. Carol That Krampus, Quick!

There’s a reason in the season for those obsequious carols playing all around you. That’s right, those traditional songs have the power to keep traditional spirits like Krampus at bay.

While the number one anti-Krampus carol remains unknown at this time, I do know this much. Any old stand-by delivered full force, preferably by more than one singer and ideally more than a little off-key can cripple a Krampus temporarily at least. Long enough for you to get away.

In many countries of the world, Krampus cards were issued to remind you of the right words to sing but today you’ll have to rely on your own devices. So think of the most annoying Christmas carol you know and download it before you hit the road tonight!

Then be sure to keep on keeping on Survivors, because in our darkest hour, survival is ultimately a supernatural business.

Seth

Black Friday Zombies – Survive the Mallocalypse

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MALLOCALYPSE BFZ SURVIVAL TIPS

Batten the hatches Survivors, it’s Black Friday.  Are you ready for the Mallies?

If not, it’s not too late… yet.  But it will be soon so don’t delay. Review these seasonal BFZ survival tips today! Your Black Friday survival is virtually guaranteed, 99.98%*.

Black Friday Zombies
Black Friday Zombies
  1. Know The Mally

Often referred to as a BFZ or a Mally, the Black Friday Zombie is a unique strain of zombie, characterized by a tendency to move as a single-minded horde. It is this tendency which sets them apart from other zombies.

But Seth, you say, all zombies have a tendency to group, how is this any different? 

The answer is this. While your everyday walker does tend go group, this is normally a function of numbers and random clotting in a given area that inevitably arises from the simple-minded pursuit of fresh brains within a given space.

Mallies, by contrast never moan alone. There is no such thing as a lone Mally – s0 be prepared to face a whole horde.

What makes the BFZ move as one of a mindless horde is still largely unstudied but most scientists suspect the effect of certain seasonal media signals on the virus could be causing otherwise bumbling brain-brunchers to go mad with a single purpose. Understanding this movement can make dealing with a Mally both easier in some ways and harder in others.

2. Bright Lights and Melodious Sound

Not unlike moths at night, the BFZ or Mally is uniquely prone to patterns of light and sound. This tendency gives rise to many myths about zombies in general but use this to your advantage today by equipping a lightweight, LED weapon and a noise making device like a bell or kazoo to lure the horde to an strategic location.

Note on bagpipes: Only work on Scottish BFZs.

3. Strategic Location

Obviously I don’t have to remind you to know your local mall here and to work with the geography you have. Luckily most malls have a water attraction or similar art installation that can at least provide you with a height advantage over the advancing horde. Wade to the middle of that fountain and/or climb up on the reindeer’s back. If the Christmas tree is up already, consider climbing that. Just make sure it has a secure base first.

4. Boxes Buy Time

Another particular quirk of the BFZ – boxes. Like leprechauns with a shoe or a cat with a ball of catnip, the BFZ is easily distracted by a simple box.  It won’t stop them forever but a well-aimed spray of empty boxes at a BFZ horde should distract them long enough for you to make a clean getaway.

Of course if you don’t have a humane box cannon, or an ornate Christmas display at your mall you will have to equip these yourself. Shoe boxes in particular are very effective if unwieldy. Smaller, more colourful boxes are more practical both for equipping and aiming but are admittedly more expensive. Of course if you’ve staked out the mall tree or Santa’s sleigh as your home base, you may find a cache of ready ammo ready for you. Not to mention that sleigh may in fact be mobile and you could ride it right out the door.

That’s all for today Survivors. Keep on keeping on in this dark holiday season and be sure to do your Christmas zombie review before it’s too late.

Seth

Christmas Day Santa Sightings Spot New High-Tech Sleigh

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What About The Reindeer?

Santa sightings from around the world flooding NORAD’s Santa hotline today all with the same news – Santa has upgraded to an ultra high-tech sleigh that appears to missing one very obvious feature – his trusty reindeer team. What happened to Rudolph and his crew?

Sketch of Santa's New Sleigh
Sketch of Santa’s New Sleigh

A sketch of Santa’s new sleigh based on millions of calls from around the globe show the jolly old saint has pimped his ride this year, upgrading to this hybrid rocket-powered rig made of polycarbonate, guided by GPS with parking sensors and a chimney cam.

According to some reports the sleigh even features bulletproof windows, a mistletoe air freshener and cupholders for hot chocolate.

But no Rudolph or his reindeer team. What gives?

With Santa himself unavailable for comment, SOS turned to the company who claims they were contracted by Santa to build his new sleigh.

Metals4U in Britain says Saint Nick contacted them in the fall to help repair his old wooden sleigh but it was broken beyond repair.

“We just felt like Santa needed a bit of an upgrade,” says company representative Michael Ward. “We wanted to bring him into the 21st Century. But if you look closely you can see that we did in fact include a hitch for his famous reindeer team. In fact, we even included a built-in nose wiper for Rudolph’s red nose.”

If you can see this alleged hitch or spot a so-called nose wiper in this drawing then your eyes are better than mine but one thing is Christmas clear, no reindeer reported to the hotline this year and everyone wants to know why.

SOS presents three theories for your consideration:

Theory #1

With rocket boosters on his rig and a GPS to guide him, Santa no longer needs the reindeer so he cut his team lose earlier this year.

Evidence: Reports out of Russia earlier this year spotted reindeer working with organized crime in Siberia where their hooves allow them to escape the police in high-speed chases over the frozen tundra. Has Rudolph turned to a life of crime?

Theory #2

The nose wipers, a dubious feature if ever there was one, never worked quite right and instead of keeping Rudolph’s nose so bright, smacked him in the face instead and now he’s recovering from a broken nose at the North Pole, working on his compensation claim of endless cookies and milk.

Evidence: “Well it’s true that we did not test the nose wipers on actual reindeer,” Michael Ward states.

Theory #3

Rudolph and his team are working undercover this Christmas helping the Russian police bust the same criminals using reindeer to get away from the authorities.

Evidence: According to The Guardian newspaper, police in Russia began recruiting reindeer to fight crime in the deep snow when their snowmobiles failed.

 “Of course we have snowmobiles but one should understand a machine is a machine. They tend to break down and run out of gas. Reindeer are perfectly suited for this environment,” states the Yamal-Nenets police. “We have been asking for a herd of them for years.”

Knowing that he could rely on rocket power this year, did Santa send his team to help out in Russia?

Got a reindeer report? Leave it in the comments below. Maybe together we can solve this supernatural mystery.

Star or Angel On Which Will You Wish?

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O Wishful Night

As the Geminids light up the night sky this week, you like me may be preparing your wish for what is arguably the wishfullest night of the wish calendar year –  December 24.

Will you wish on a star or an angel this Christmas Eve?
Get Your One Wish Ready

(And no I’m not talking about Santa Claus. Not after that nasty letter he sent me about our Krampusnacht coverage here on SOS. That guy is on my naughty list, let me tell you.)

No I’m writing about that most ancient secret of Christmas Eve, when survivors of yore would remember to tuck one wish for the coming year at the very top of the tree to see it come to light with the returning sun. That’s because a true tree wish given to your angel or star by midnight on Christmas has special powers.

If this is not among your supernatural seasonal survival tactics yet, read on and learn.

5 Tips To Make Your Tree Wish True

1. Prepare Your Tree

If you haven’t already set your seasonal tree using the SOS tried and true tips for dark season decorating, you need to get popping! As every survivor knows, your tree is the key to surviving the season with dark spirits.

I would advise you to follow the link above for a quick review but in case your finger is broken here’s the highlights – a true survivor’s tree needs to feed the spirits of the season. Altho some people go for garlands of gumballs and colorful suckers, as everyone knows I’m an advocate for more hale and hearty spirit munchies like popcorn and marshmallow strings, traditional Christmas baconsil and the occasional hanging apple or muffin. (Just don’t drape your bacon directly over the lights or things could get drippy and your spirits smelly. Smelly spirits are not nice.)

And whatever you choose, don’t skimp on the stuff. You need enough in your tree to keep the spirits up – high up – in the branches, not roaming hungrily around your home.

2. A Traditional Tree Topper

Now I’m not going to wade into the angel or star? debate.  In my book, either will work. The important factor for a true tree wish tradition is to ensure that whatever symbol you place at the top of your tree, it needs to have a hiding place inside it. That’s where the wishes go by midnight Christmas Eve, tucked inside the hidden hollow.

3. Prepare Your Wish

Trickier than it sounds. Unlike a wish fountain you can’t just toss in your lucky coin and look for a collecting leprechaun to (maybe!) honor the deal. But you also don’t need an entire wishing team like for falling stars, so that’s good news. But your wish does need to be written by hand,  by you, the wisher, on a scrap of paper or paper like substance, just big enough to fit in the handy hole in the base of your ornamental star or angel.

That’s the easy part. The hard part is choosing your wish. That’s right one wish and one wish only for the coming year. A true wish.  An important wish. Not the kind you entrust to Santa’s wish machine but the kind of wish that will help you and yours to survive and thrive in the year ahead.

So choose your wish carefully and write it down.

4. Wishing Deadline is Midnight

Wishes must be delivered to the top of the tree by midnight, Christmas Eve in your time zone. There is no known exception to this rule, short of hopping on a plane and travelling halfway around the world or backward in time.

So don’t wait, get your wish done early and on top of your tree well before the clock strikes midnight. You may need help getting it up there so make sure if you’re using a ladder that you have a reliable ladder holder. Falling off a ladder to place your wish can quickly cancel the positive effect of wishing  – not to mention the black cat threat from below which I won’t even go into today.

5. Look For The First Light

When you wake on Christmas morning, if you can tear your eyes away from the bounty beneath your tree – or the lumps of coal as the case may be – look for the first rays of the new sun to touch the top of your tree for a sign.

What will you see? What kind of sign, you ask?

Unfortunately that remains unknown. Some say your angel will stir and come to life long enough to hand off your wish to a messenger of the light. Others say the star will shine blindingly bright for a brief moment and send it up in a burst of stardust. Me, I’m not sure on account of my love of sleeping in late – which is also an important survival skill.

All I know for sure is this. In 364 days when you look back on the year that was and think about your true tree wish, you will find that it did indeed come through for you. Maybe not exactly the way that you thought it would, but close enough to be true.