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Cannibal Threat Continues As Second Cannibal Colony Uncovered

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The cannibal carnival continues as colonist Geoffrey Portway was sentenced to 27 years in prison today for trying to order a kid for delivery dinner online from another man in Massachusetts.

Colonist survived with a little helping of her
Colonists survived with a little helping of this Jamestown Jane Doe

This cannibal news comes just days after scientists confirmed the settlers of Jamestown survived their first winter in America with the help of – er rather, a generous helping of – a 14 year-old Jane Doe whose tender young face has been replicated now using computer technology —>>>

Of course, the Jamestown colonists were starving and under siege and although they ate juicy Jane Doe there’s no evidence they killed her with the intention to eat her while the Massachusetts cannibal colonist planned his feast as casually as a man punching in a pizza pie, at home on his computer.

In fact, colonist Geoffrey Portway came to Massachusetts all the way from Britain with the intent of pursuing his cannibal lifestyle with the support of  a local man named Michael Arnett who claimed he could supply all his friend’s cannibal needs.

Survivors, the geography here is impossible to ignore. As I’m sure you know, Massachusetts is just up the road from Jamestown and the site of the second American colony. What is going on here? Are these isolated incidents separated by time and space or is there a dangerous culture of kid cannibalism surviving on America’s east coast at these first settlement sites?

Until more is known, younger and more tenderer beings everywhere would be well advised to maintain a stained yellow-teeth alert for the presence of cannibals at all times. Unless you want a cool computer model of your mug to go viral in 400 years like Jamestown Jane Doe above,  review your cannibal safety knowledge:

TOP FIVE CANNIBAL SAFETY TIPS

  • Check everyone for pointy teeth. We’re not talking about vampire fangs here. Cannibals sharpen ALL their teeth to a fine point with sticks and rocks. 
  • Look scrawny and un-tasty. Clean up any unlucky barbecue sauce or ketchup spills on your shirt or hands immediately before somebody near you gets the wrong idea.
  • Make and wear your own medic alert jewelry. Don’t be satisfied with run-of-the-mill maladies like diabetes or malaria, go for the really disgusting ones like, bubonic plague or ebola and write it in big, easy to read letters on your bracelet or necklace.
  • Before you agree to dinner with anyone, ask to see the kitchen. See any mighty meat hooks or sturdy chains hanging from the ceiling? That’s a telltale sign you should decline!
  • Utensil tells! Cannibals almost never know how to use a spoon! Further, their traditional forks are much pointier than normal, reference the artist rendering below:
Cannibals never know what to do with a spoon.
Run if You See Traditional Cannibal Forks In Your Friend’s Kitchen

Naked Cannibal or Zombie?

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(SOS/ASAP/WTF) Miami, Florida – Cannibals say they are “deeply offended” today over Interweb buzz re: the so-called “Naked Cannibal”, a 31 year-old man named Rudy Eugene who was shot yesterday munching on another man’s face in broad daylight.

You are probably familiar with the facts. A police officer caught Mr. Eugene snacking on another man’s head yesterday sometime after 2 p.m.

When the officer ordered Rudy to stop chewing the other man’s face, he refused to stop and reportedly turned toward the officer and growled before the officer fatally shot him.

Was he a nudist cannibal? Or a zombie?

Stories about the incident today have referred to the face-chewing man as the “Naked Cannibal,” a monicker that has outraged cannibals worldwide.

“We cannibals have too much honor to dine buck naked like this,” said notable North Korean cannibal Kim Jong Un.

“Besides, eating naked just causes too much confusion about who to eat.” he added.

“We cannibals favor family dinners, properly prepared. Anyone who has seen my recent family dinner campaign will know this!”

North Korean Cannibals Promote Family Dining

But as readers of this site know, cannibals worldwide have been without their human flesh supplements for almost two weeks now, after a shipment was seized and a police investigation launched into the cannibal pills. Could this be the result?

Or is it the start of another zombie outbreak in Miami?

With Rudy Eugene’s unfortunate demise and his dinner victim now in critical condition, The Monstrometer has been somewhat less than 99.98% effective determining Mr. Eugene’s particular monstromity at this time.

So zombie or cannibal, what’s your view?

Whatever the case, until we know more survivors are best advised to take all precautions for both zombies and cannibals.

The start of another zombie outbreak in Miami?

Cannibal Capsules Seized

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Grisly news from Seoul, South Korea this week. A load of pills advertised as healthy food supplements turned out to be capsules for cannibals.

Read on for the good news and the bad news about cannibal pills. Another SOS true story, 99.98% guaranteed.

Capsules for Cannibals Discovered in Seoul South Korea

The South Korean customs agency says pills containing children’s body parts were being smuggled into the country in suitcases and parcels from China.

But the Chinese government denies being behind the horrific cannibal capsules.

“I want to reassure everyone in the world community there are absolutely no cannibals in China,” says Health Ministry spokeman Deng Haihua.

“We ate them all.”

So then who is making these cannibal pills and why?

Well, nobody is jumping up to take responsibility but rumors of cannibal activity have surfaced everywhere.

“I’m so scared,” says 11 year-old Connor B. “My mom tried to give me Baby Aspirin. But is it made with real babies? Think about it. ‘Childrens’ pain relievers? Made with real childrens!”

Have modern cannibals given up their fire pits and big iron pots for a more socially-acceptable appearing food source?

Until we know more, Survivors are advised to be on the lookout for these cannibal pills, which are often blue, green or red and white. If you do see one, report it immediately. A mysterious pill in somebody’s home or on their person, could be a clue you are dealing with a cannibal. Get out of there as fast as you can.

Conversely can a simple baby aspirin stop a cannibal in his tracks? If you find yourself in a tight spot with one of them, try tossing them a Baby Aspirin and then run like heck.

Boy’s mom tries to give baby aspirin. Is it made with real babies?

Zombie Valentine News

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For anyone who missed the big Valentine’s Day announcement from Zyboragon, there’s an explanation for the mysterious zombie valentine posted to the site yesterday (below).

And it’s good news for all you non-cannibals. Zombies have taken V-day to re-respect a 1987 decision to restrict feeding habits to cannibals. Check it out!

20120214-185948.jpg

Apologies to any cannibals out there. However you should be aware, as a cannibal you are in fact at risk of spontaneously developing ZSE anyway and turning zombie at some point regardless. Any further questions or concerns, please feel free to give Ted Turner a call OR join the protest outside Zyboragon’s house…

Zombie Berries

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Hail Survivors,

I recently received the following disturbing email from long time friend to the site and survivors everywhere, Zyboragon.

The contents of his email are below:

Dear Seth,

I was talking to my good friend Terry (the zombie) and he mentioned a new kind of berry that mimicked the flavor of a human brain. I asked to see one of these berries.

The berry can only be grown rotten, the rot helps mimic the appearance of roasted flesh, something that zombies enjoy quite vividly. In a taste test hosted by Terry, 9/10 zombies agree that the berry actually tastes better than real brains!

While this berry produces good news on the zombie front, it has angered many cannibals.

I got to speak with one such cannibal.

Z: Why does the berry offend you?

Cannibal: We eat our own species, it’s tradition! The berry looks like burnt flesh, it’s intolerable! Several cannibals have given up our sacred tradition to try this new berry! We simply cannot allow it to exist.

Z: That sounds like a good thing though.

Cannibal: To you! It makes us look bad when someone quits! Personal image and respect are important to us!

The cannibal then took off shouting “You’ll regret this zombies”!!

Even though cannibals dislike the new berry, many stores are already selling the zombie berry. The public release of this new produce shows zombies have extended a hand to help improve zombie/human relations.


This news is both great and distressing. Early calculations show that this development could reduce human casualties from zombies by as much as 37% but a Cannibal-Zombie War could lead to untold casualties. Further developments will be posted as they develop.

A big thanks to Zyboragon for alerting us. He has definately wracked up quite a few lives saved.

Keep on keeping on.

Seth

Holiday Horror: Humanoid Cookies for Cannibals

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More holiday horror this week. Another disturbing new holiday trend has been brought to my attention by a survivor. Human-shaped cookie eaten by young cannibal.
Young cannibals celebrate holidays with human-shaped cookies.

Another disturbing holiday report this week, this time about a CANNIBALISTIC CHRISTMAS TRADITION spotted by a survivor who goes by the name RIP, who sent me the photo above and the email below:

Dear Seth:

Walking down the street today I spotted a little girl with a small, brown, human-shaped gingerbread cookie. Being small, brown and human-shaped myself, I was instantly terrified when the little girl placed the tiny gingerbread human in her mouth and bit down, right through his little human face and proceeded to masticate with terrifying loud and crumbly chews. This cannibalistic carnage would have continued on to the arms and legs of this diminutive humanoid, had I not rescued it by snatching it out of her hot little hands and fleeing the scene.  Seth, I’m sending this photo to you so you can alert the world on behalf of many small, brown human-shaped beings, these so-called cookies are hardly a harmless Christmas confection. They are nothing short of a gateway cookie to cannibalism. Think about it. The first time you eat one of these cannibalizing cookies, you’re a little reluctant to dig in. You look at it for a long time before nibbling on a toe maybe or a mitten. But then gradually overcome by the sugary, gingery goodness you keep going, eating your way to the torso and then you’re like, well a torso without arms and legs is not a lot of good and then pretty soon there’s nothing left but the tiny brown face. And by then you’re like, well, what good is a face without a body? So you do it, you eat your first little brown cookie face. So it progresses. Once you’ve eaten one little brown face, well, what’s a few more?  The next one gets easier and easier until pretty soon you have no more inhibitions about biting right into a human face, just like the little girl I saw today. Please warn the world!