Cannibals

Cannibal critics say celebrity salami is grisly and gross!

Cannibal meat company Bitelabs defends its line celebrity sausages made from celebs like Kanye West and Jennifer Lawrence as a form of ethical meat to be celebrated and savoured by all, but critics continue to call it a faux food replacement product, and much less tasty than the stars themselves.

“A charming and confident flavor profile, the JLaw salami is coarse ground in a rustic style, smoothed with notes of honey, and spiced with orange zest and ginger,” Bitelabs states on its website. “Always surprising, this salami will never fail to entertain.

This meaty news took the Internet by storm this week, with cannibal critics callling it grisly and gross.

“They want to blend Ellen Degeneres with ostrich! Are they insane?” asks one artisanal meat maker. “Ostrich is a tough and stringy meat and should never be blended with a talk show hostess with less booty than Tyra Banks.”

But Bitelabs says their special process helps them make curated sausage blends that are simultaneously even more ethical and delicious than the real celebrities on whose cells their salami relies.

“Starting with biopsied myoblast cells, we grow our healthy, rich, meats in Bite Labs’ own bioreactors,” Biolab states. “Our process yields high-quality, luxury protein, in a sustainable manner that eliminates the environmental and ethical concerns associated with traditional livestock production.”

But cannibal company critics insist any product that starts with celebrity cells can never be classified as real food, let alone healthy or rich.

“I would not, could not eat James Franco ham,” said one feisty female foody. “Not in a box with a fox nor in a house with a mouse…

“Not to say I wouldn’t like a taste of James Franco himself. He is pretty tasty after all,” she added, licking her lips.

Is this the biggest cannibal scandal since the suspicious supplements seizure of ’13? Or the best thing in meat manufacturing since sliced Spam?

That’s for you to decide survivors! In any event, keep on keeping on, live long and strong!

The tooth is in the necklaces, Spanish scientists said this week, describing their dramatic new theory for the demise of Neanderthals square in the stomachs of ancient cannibals.

Can you identify cannibal jewelry? Avoid extinction! Look before you lunch with a homo sapien…

Quick review: Neanderthals lived across Europe and survived several ice ages and at least one alien invasion before all suddenly dying about 30,000 years ago, around the same time that humans arrived from Africa.

Researchers have been scratching their heads and staring at fossils to make sense of the situation ever since.

Many popular theories hold that Homo Sapiens guys thought Neanderthal girls were pretty hot, who in return thought human boys would be pretty cute if they only knew how to cut their hair right…

and as a result, many of us may have a Neanderthal ancestor or two in the family tree somewhere.

But a Spanish research team wants to douse the flames of Homo-sapiens love this week, arguing that in fact human cannibals probably ate the Neanderthals and made their teeth into fashionable necklaces.

“For years people have tried to hide away from the evidence of cannibalism, but I think we have to accept it took place,” said researcher Fernando Rozzi. “Neanderthals may have been devoured by humans who also may have used their teeth for necklaces.”

That’s right, cannibals like the rest of us, just can’t resist wearing the remains of their favourite meals. So let’s take minute to learn from the Neanderthals. Look before you lunch! Inspect your human friends for signs of tell-tale teeth-and-bone jewelry, starting with their necklaces.

But don’t stop there. Insist on inspecting every extremity or appendage. I’m talking about wrists, arms, ankles and ear lobes. Basically anything on which a dangly, toothy object can be tied or hung. You’re looking for anything that resembles teeth or bone, white or off-white or yellow.

Don’t be fooled by anything made of ivory either. What do you think ivory means? Cannibal, that’s what. And don’t accept any weird excuses, like oh my friend gave me this tooth…. Unless your friend is a tooth fairy. But even then who wants to eat with the tooth fairy? Not if you value your teeth. Remember friends who wear friends’ teeth are too close on a molecular level. Back away slowly and report them immediately to the evolutionary police here at SOS.