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Cannibal Meat Company Calls Celebrity Sausage Tasty and Ethical

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Cannibal critics say celebrity salami is grisly and gross!

Cannibal meat company Bitelabs defends its line celebrity sausages made from celebs like Kanye West and Jennifer Lawrence as a form of ethical meat to be celebrated and savoured by all, but critics continue to call it a faux food replacement product, and much less tasty than the stars themselves.

Cannibals selling meat made from celebrities
Cannibals selling meat made from celebrities

“A charming and confident flavor profile, the JLaw salami is coarse ground in a rustic style, smoothed with notes of honey, and spiced with orange zest and ginger,” Bitelabs states on its website. “Always surprising, this salami will never fail to entertain.

This meaty news took the Internet by storm this week, with cannibal critics callling it grisly and gross.

“They want to blend Ellen Degeneres with ostrich! Are they insane?” asks one artisanal meat maker. “Ostrich is a tough and stringy meat and should never be blended with a talk show hostess with less booty than Tyra Banks.”

But Bitelabs says their special process helps them make curated sausage blends that are simultaneously even more ethical and delicious than the real celebrities on whose cells their salami relies.

“Starting with biopsied myoblast cells, we grow our healthy, rich, meats in Bite Labs’ own bioreactors,” Biolab states. “Our process yields high-quality, luxury protein, in a sustainable manner that eliminates the environmental and ethical concerns associated with traditional livestock production.”

But cannibal company critics insist any product that starts with celebrity cells can never be classified as real food, let alone healthy or rich.

“I would not, could not eat James Franco ham,” said one feisty female foody. “Not in a box with a fox nor in a house with a mouse…

“Not to say I wouldn’t like a taste of James Franco himself. He is pretty tasty after all,” she added, licking her lips.

Is this the biggest cannibal scandal since the suspicious supplements seizure of ’13? Or the best thing in meat manufacturing since sliced Spam?

That’s for you to decide survivors! In any event, keep on keeping on, live long and strong!

Return of the Giant Rats Get Ready!

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Once rats were bigger than bulls and weighed more than a ton and this week scientists say it’s happening again so are you ready for the rise of the giant rats?

Will the rats take over?
Giant Rats Rise Again – Businesses like this one hope to prosper.

Dr. Jan Zalasiewicz is making survival news this week with his prediction about the return of the giant rats. Super adaptable rats are prone to taking over whenever bigger mammals go extinct, he says and after becoming the dominant species they just get get bigger and bigger – even until they’re big as bulls again.

In fact Dr. Z says this is already happening on hundreds of small islands around the world where the rats already rule, for example South Georgia Island in Antarctica which has been held by the rats for decades now.

Once the rats solidify power on these small islands, they begin evolving in size and specialization, from really fast to super strong to even underwater rat types, says Dr. Z. So how long do we really have until they outgrow their island strongholds and come for the rest of the earth?

It’s only a matter of time survivors, before these giant rats set sail for the continents. Recall just last week Britain warned the world about a cannibal rat ship heading for its shores.

So with giant rats on the rise again, will you be ready?

You will if you keep on keeping on here at SOS . I’m looking into this and more for my next video, Kaiju and You.  Meanwhile, it’s never too soon to be giant rat ready:

3 Giant Steps to Giant Rat Readiness

1. A giant rat trap begins with a giant block of cheese, preferably something with a giant smell like Lindberger to catch their interest and keep them busy. So don’t wait, start accumulating and rotting your cheese yours today.

2. While the rat is busy with the cheese, uncage your giant house cat and watch the giant fur balls fly. Don’t have a giant house cat yet? Don’t worry. Dr. Zalasiewicz says there will be lots of giant house cats around soon as they too are evolving to take over the planet from the larger extinct mammals.

Once your giant cat is out of its cage, get out of the way and watch from a SAFE distance until the dust settles.

3.  Re-cage your giant cat with a giant trough of catnip and lock it up tight until the next time. Now you might be tempted to get a giant dog to help control your giant cat and although Dr. Z says this too will soon be possible, that would be a giant mistake. Unless you want to come home to a giant pile of rubble at the end of the day, stick with your kaiju kitty.

But before you adopt your first kaiju kitty from the giant SPCA, be sure and watch my upcoming video, Kaiju and You, out on the full moon.

 

This Week In Survival Jan 25, 2014 Cannibals Convene Everywhere

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Seems like there was no avoiding the cannibals This Week In Survival. Even if you could spot the clandestine cannibal convention now the cannibals are coming to you.  On a ship. That they sail themselves.

Cannibal rats crew the ship to a shore near you.
Cannibal rats crew the ship to a shore near you.

Yes cannibal rats on the ghost ship Lyubov Orlova are coming soon to a shore near you, releasing its crew of starving cannibal rats —>>

I know, like me you’re probably thinking, ah AHSOME!? Rats who can sail a luxury ocean liner!? Sign me up to sail away. But mainstream media sources have been emphasizing just how hungry these cannibal rats will be when they land ie: very, vErY, VERY hungry.

Now today some say the ship may have sunk but for me the only thing worse than mainstream media telling me to worry about cannibal rats is mainstream media telling me to NOT worry about cannibal rats. Point is, I’m working on my cannibal rat trap now before it’s too late and I hope that you are too. So far here’s my first tip: bait your cannibal rat traps with test cosmetics. It’s not so much that the rats hate cosmetics testing so much as they will LOVE the unwitting cosmetics testing protestors who show up. Sure they’re a little stringy but they can’t run away. And sometimes that’s all you need to survive.

Sorry that’s all I got so far. Now it’s time to see what other survivors are reporting this week and why on the pages of SOS…

SOS Shattered Soul Syndrome 

–>>It was SOTM VALENKO. Where were the shards of his soul and why?  Did Lilith, Fenrir and Chaos find and reassemble the pieces? It appears there was some kind of ritual involved to bring them together… let’s see if I can find those links now…

Of course. Here is one. Very instructive read. Not sure I would trust an admitted soul devourer like LILITH to re-assemble my soul fragments but it seems to have… HOLD ON… now where is the soul exactly????? 

Soul Recovery Service

–>> Feel fragmented? Like a part of you might be missing? Do you suspect it could be your soul? Check out LILITH’s soul recovery service. Results and prices undetermined but her satisfaction seems guaranteed…

Cannibal Cruise Ship
Cannibal Cruise Ship

Black Dragon Gifts

–>> MARNEY a draconian would like to know – and so would I. Will JERRY9012 report?

Pets Wanted

–>> But should you get a hellhound? KUROGANE thinks so but I’m not so sure. Sure he makes them sound colourful and fun but what happens when your hellhound outlives you? Read the Reaperstips to find out more. Just don’t go there expecting gardening tips. He has a bit of a black thumb… hey wait there’s actually a market for that…

Reapers Floral Arrangements

–>> Need some dried dead plants attractively arranged for that special someone or occasion? Contact REAPERS ARRANGEMENTS here…

Can anyone be an angel?
Can anyone be an angel?

Seeking Camp Halfblood

–>> The real one. If any have seen it lately, a survivor DoP is looking here. I understand that it moves around. Why does SCARLETT seem suddenly eager to help find it?

Can You Become An Angel?

<<— This SOS message from The Nubiness. Angels are not the recruity-est of beings but can you become one?. I mean they don’t go around biting like vampires or werewolves. However, I have met a few demons and vampires who claim to have become angels so clearly something happened.  Also I recall a cherub on the site for a while who claimed that if he could make a certain number of couples fall in love by valentine’s day then he got to be an angel. But was he telling the truth?  It’s a good question with Valentine’s Day on the way…

Classic Muffin Trap

–>> Reported by the REAPER who is springing them all but look who is behind it… Trolls vs Werewolves? Are they trying to harness werewolves for transportation again?

Totally Missed It: 

–>> SYREIGN a mermaid, hit by a stray silver bullet intended for a werewolf, survived. What did she learn about the intended target?

Cannibal Conventions Continue Have You Been Invited?

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Cannibal Conventions continue...
Cannibal convention coverage brought to you by The Hatter.

Unless you want to wind up shrink-wrapped on a foam tray, now more than ever you need to know how to identify a potential Cannibal Convention before you book time off to attend.

Sure we all dream of a week off work or school in a swank hotel with an all-day buffet but convention coverage from THE HATTER, this week has uncovered yet another covert cannibal convention, this time in Great Britain. With convention season officially upon us, how will you know if that invite is for something more sinister than sharpening your shoe sales skills?

Three Signs That Convention is For Cannibals

1. Is It Being Held in A Remote Location?

If the location of that convention is anywhere more remote than Branson, Nebraska – which successfully lobbied to be taken off the official list of Cannibal Convention site –  think twice before you click ACCEPT.

Why are Cannibal Conventions normally held in remote locations? Well besides the obvious scream insulation factor, cannibals can’t convene twice in the same location. Why? Thankfully a still-strong cannibalism taboo tends to over-ride local greed in most instances. Well that and cannibals are terrible tippers and notoriously messy eaters.

If you’re not sure about the location of your convention, use this rule of thumb – which is a 99.98% guaranteed fully baked thumb-rule – if you have to take more than two means of transit to attend and/or if that transportation is being arranged by the convention organizers? Suspect a cannibal convention trap. In particular if there is a cruise ship involved, think twice. Cannibal Cruise lines comes to mind in particular but there are others including the ghost ship Lyubov Orlova this week.

Colorado Cannibal Convention
Colorado Cannibal Convention Uncovered

2. Exotic Menus? 

Most conventions will publish the buffet menu in some form. You need to have a look. If the names of the dishes all begin with a description of how they have been cut, this is normally a clue. Giveaway words include: diced, sliced, hacked, and sawed. Especially when combined with adjectives like stuffed and/or specific body parts like head, shank or foot and/or proper nouns like: Bob, or Karen.

Let’s not talk about meatballs in any form.

Another menu clue is a misguided interest in your eating habits generally. If you’re looking for the check box that indicates you are a vegetarian and all you can find is one labelled grass-fed or grain-fed?  Guess what. What’s on the menu is you.

3. Suspicious Sessions

If the convention info you receive focuses less on the content of the convention than on convention amenities, suspect cannibal conventioneers at work. Massages and spa treatments might be fun but when you notice wide drains in the hotel photos and plastic wrap on the bed, resign yourself to remaining at work that week instead. Hopefully it will be a slower bleed.

Did you take all these tips and still find yourself at a cannibal convention? Read more information about cannibal survival here. Your survival is virtually guaranteed.

Cannibal Moms Really Want To Eat Babies – Science

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Is your mom really a baby-hungry cannibal?

Before you answer NO just because she hasn’t eaten you yet, consider this, scientists studying women’s brains just proved that women, especially moms have addictive baby-hungry brains that really want to eat babies!

Could your mom be a recovering baby-addicted cannibal? Know the signs!

Could you mom be a cannibal?
Could your mom be a cannibal? Know the signs!

It’s true. Scientists at the University of Montreal scanning moms brains discovered the smell of baby pyjamas triggers an addictive appetite response like to when hungry people smell a really delicious meal.

“These circuits may especially be activated when you eat while being very hungry, but also in a craving addict receiving his drug,” stated Johannes Frasnelli, a postdoctoral researcher and lecturer at the University of Montreal’s Department of Psychology.

Could your own mother be one of these infant-addicted cannibal moms? Find out before it’s too late!

5 Signs Your Mom Is a Baby-Hungry Cannibal 

1. Ever caught your mom sniffing your dirty clothes? 

In the Montreal study the moms sniffed infant pyjamas but in reality, it could be any article of clothing belonging to you or your little brother or sister. If the answer is yes, you have caught her sniffing your clothes after you wear them, this is a sign your mom may be trying to get her cannibal high without actually eating you. A good news – bad news story here. While your mom is likely a cannibal, on the bright side, the cannibal mom scientists say it’s likely she won’t actually eat you because just sniffing might be enough.

2.  Does your mom get angry when you spill ketchup on yourself?

Why? Ask yourself, what’s the big deal? It’s just a little tomato-based sauce, can’t you just wash it?

Of course the shirt can be washed but what your flesh-hungry mother can’t wash away is her feelings of guilt after chowing down on you, her precious progeny, due to the irresistible combination of sweet tomatoey yumminess on top of your addictive child-smell.

3. Does your mom have a lot of suspicious pots and pans? 

Are they big enough to BOIL A BABY??? Does she perhaps have creepy photos of you playing in them when you were younger?

It’s a grisly fact that baby-hungry cannibal moms like to let their babies play with the very instruments she would use to cook you for dinner.

4. Is your mom always trying to fatten you up? 

This one needs no explanation. Cannibals like the rest of us, prefer tender meat. Obviously there is the reason that your mom is always foisting food on you.

Is Ann Geddes a mommy cannibal?
Is Ann Geddes a mommy cannibal?

5. Does your mom REALLY like this photo? 

Does it perhaps make her salivate? You need to know.

Photos like this that combine food, usually fresh fruit and vegetables with babies are designed to to excite already baby-hungry cannibal moms.

This photograph by Ann Geddes is a classic example. Does your mom have any photos like this around your house? If so check the back. Is there a recipe?

If the answer is no, sorry but you’re not out of the woods yet. You need to show her this one and gauge her reaction. Do her pupils dilate? Does she salivate?

Which leads us to the last one…

6. Did your mom have a lot of food-based knicknames for you? 

Muffin ears? Peanut? Apple head? Any of these sound familiar? This is not a coincidence. Food-based knicknames are a dead giveaway that your mom too is a baby-hungry cannibal.

So why not scan her with The Monstrometer while you’re about it. Granted, it’s not calibrated to specifically detect cannibal moms but it it is 99.98% effective at outing any average cannibal under optimum conditions.

Cannibal Jewelry Tells The Real Tooth About Neanderthals

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The tooth is in the necklaces, Spanish scientists said this week, describing their dramatic new theory for the demise of Neanderthals square in the stomachs of ancient cannibals.

Can you identify cannibal jewelry? Avoid extinction! Look before you lunch with a homo sapien…

Learn to identify cannibal necklaces.
Learn to identify cannibal jewelry before you lunch with a human.

Quick review: Neanderthals lived across Europe and survived several ice ages and at least one alien invasion before all suddenly dying about 30,000 years ago, around the same time that humans arrived from Africa.

Researchers have been scratching their heads and staring at fossils to make sense of the situation ever since.

Many popular theories hold that Homo Sapiens guys thought Neanderthal girls were pretty hot, who in return thought human boys would be pretty cute if they only knew how to cut their hair right…

and as a result, many of us may have a Neanderthal ancestor or two in the family tree somewhere.

But a Spanish research team wants to douse the flames of Homo-sapiens love this week, arguing that in fact human cannibals probably ate the Neanderthals and made their teeth into fashionable necklaces.

“For years people have tried to hide away from the evidence of cannibalism, but I think we have to accept it took place,” said researcher Fernando Rozzi. “Neanderthals may have been devoured by humans who also may have used their teeth for necklaces.”

That’s right, cannibals like the rest of us, just can’t resist wearing the remains of their favourite meals. So let’s take minute to learn from the Neanderthals. Look before you lunch! Inspect your human friends for signs of tell-tale teeth-and-bone jewelry, starting with their necklaces.

But don’t stop there. Insist on inspecting every extremity or appendage. I’m talking about wrists, arms, ankles and ear lobes. Basically anything on which a dangly, toothy object can be tied or hung. You’re looking for anything that resembles teeth or bone, white or off-white or yellow.

Don’t be fooled by anything made of ivory either. What do you think ivory means? Cannibal, that’s what. And don’t accept any weird excuses, like oh my friend gave me this tooth…. Unless your friend is a tooth fairy. But even then who wants to eat with the tooth fairy? Not if you value your teeth. Remember friends who wear friends’ teeth are too close on a molecular level. Back away slowly and report them immediately to the evolutionary police here at SOS.