- More holiday horror this week. Another disturbing new holiday trend has been brought to my attention by a survivor.
Young cannibals celebrate holidays with human-shaped cookies. Another disturbing holiday report this week, this time about a CANNIBALISTIC CHRISTMAS TRADITION spotted by a survivor who goes by the name RIP, who sent me the photo above and the email below:
Dear Seth:
Walking down the street today I spotted a little girl with a small, brown, human-shaped gingerbread cookie. Being small, brown and human-shaped myself, I was instantly terrified when the little girl placed the tiny gingerbread human in her mouth and bit down, right through his little human face and proceeded to masticate with terrifying loud and crumbly chews. This cannibalistic carnage would have continued on to the arms and legs of this diminutive humanoid, had I not rescued it by snatching it out of her hot little hands and fleeing the scene. Seth, I’m sending this photo to you so you can alert the world on behalf of many small, brown human-shaped beings, these so-called cookies are hardly a harmless Christmas confection. They are nothing short of a gateway cookie to cannibalism. Think about it. The first time you eat one of these cannibalizing cookies, you’re a little reluctant to dig in. You look at it for a long time before nibbling on a toe maybe or a mitten. But then gradually overcome by the sugary, gingery goodness you keep going, eating your way to the torso and then you’re like, well a torso without arms and legs is not a lot of good and then pretty soon there’s nothing left but the tiny brown face. And by then you’re like, well, what good is a face without a body? So you do it, you eat your first little brown cookie face. So it progresses. Once you’ve eaten one little brown face, well, what’s a few more? The next one gets easier and easier until pretty soon you have no more inhibitions about biting right into a human face, just like the little girl I saw today. Please warn the world!