Bunnyman

Do your Easter traditions involve a candy hunt? Then  beware – The Bunny Man may be hunting you. Before you follow those foil eggs to a delicious but deadly conclusion, take a minute to remember the Bunnyman.

Quick review. The Bunny Man or Bunnyman as some call him for slightly-less-long is the white chocolate demon spirit who haunts the Easter hunts of unprepared recipients of white chocolate products. 

You can read the full story here but long story short, the Bunnyman was once just a happy mascot in a white bunny suit. Until the world rejected him and his promotional product, taking his job, his fame and even his family. All which made the Bunny Man axe murderery before he drowned himself in a factory vat of white chocolate.

Authorities insist to this day that they properly disposed of that vat of white chocolate along with the mascot’s chocolate covered corpse but nobody can explain how the Bunny Man continues to appear year after year from inside the hollow of an unholy number of white chocolate Easter bunnies.

Could the Bunny Man be hiding in the hollow of your tasty rabbit this Easter, his demonic axe in hand?

The answer is maybe. And probably. And yes, almost certainly.  Read on!

1. Be White Rabbit Aware

While no white chocolate should be declared 99.98% safe, SOS research indicates the tortured Bunny Man’s soul infuses only 58.4% of all white chocolate bunnies. Your most dangerous white chocolate bunny? All white, no eyes, long ears, hollow. Least likely to contain a leaping leporidae spirit inside it? White-dark chocolate swirl with eyes and icing.

Unsure if your white chocolate is hollow? Don’t waste time tapping to test if it taps back, take this SOS advice for survival and get out the hammer instead. That’s right:

2. SMASH before you GNASH

Smashed white chocolate tastes just as good as unsmashed white chocolate. Truer words were never spoken here on SOS and this Easter they could save your life. Were you an ear or toe nibbler in the past? Time to try a different tasting tactic. Get out the hammer and aim it right at that Trojan treat.

3. Safety First on the Egg Trail

Is that another white chocolate egg you just found? What are the odds they would all be white chocolate…

Pretty good when you’re dealing with a Bunny Man trap as it turns out. If you don’t know the true nature of that egg, you need to stop stashing them and start smashing them. Or at least unwrap to check. If they have a candy coating, you’re going to have to bite it. It’s okay, the eggs are still tasty, and one white egg probably doesn’t mean the Bunny Man will get you – yet – but if your trail has turned to all white eggs, you probably won’t like what you find at the end of it.

When he lived in Virginia, USA,  the Bunny Man or Bunnyman worked in a chocolate factory in Fairfax county as a mascot in a white bunny suit. His job was simple, to promote a newly invented product – white chocolate.

The Bunny Man’s real identity was a closely guarded secret but everybody was happy and excited to meet him when he appeared on holidays, including Easter to give away his hugs and free samples of white chocolate. As one of the world’s first mascots, the Bunny Man quickly became famous.

But in October, 1970 things began to fall apart for the Bunny Man. The world just wasn’t ready for white chocolate and especially not here, in Fairfax County, home of the famous chocolate festival. White chocolate just didn’t make sense to them. How could you have chocolate without, well, chocolate?

When the company’s explanations sounded frankly racist to many and it was observed that the Bunny Man mascot resembled nothing more than a member of the KKK itself.

This was the last straw. Both white chocolate and Bunny Man got the axe…

Losing his job and his fame pushed the Bunny Man inside the mask over the edge. They gave him the axe so…

That’s when the Bunnyman put down his Easter basket and picked up an axe of his own. Bunnyman historian Brian A. Conley documents the very real police reports of the man in the white bunny costume who began attacking people in parked cars with this axe, smashing through their windows and threatening to kill them.

But after 50 reported incidents and no deaths yet, police eventually dismissed the Bunny Man as a harmless if crazy vandal. This further insult had a devastating effect on the real Bunny Man.  He would have to up his game. Dead bunnies were reported hanging from trees. Worse, his wife and children were reportedly found dead on Easter Sunday.

Nobody knows exactly how or when Bunny Man killed himself. Did he really throw himself off the Bunnyman Bridge? It is named after him. Or did he jump in front of the train? Or did he, as many now believe, actually drown himself in a giant vat of white chocolate after sneaking into the factory one night? <<— As a totally impartial supernatural survivologist, you probably can’t even tell which one I believe.

Nobody knows for sure but it’s clear the real Bunny Man had passed because his spirit began appearing everywhere. These sightings are well-documented by others, but my job as an impartial scientifically certified supernatural survivologist is to talk about How to Beat the Bunny Man, so you can enjoy your holiday horde without fear!