Join me as I examine the dangers posed by hideous blob monsters from outer space and how to survive them while making a new friend.
Ooze news from China this week, an alien ooze has made its first slimy slink on the surface of the Earth, breaking through the asphalt right in the middle of the road.
Sources say this freaky ovular foam osmoted up from a crack in the middle of the road Monday night in the city of Nanjing, China.
Within a short time, the foamy foe had spread to 50 meters and stood a foot high, easily swallowing at least one biker before oozing its osmotic retreat when police arrived.
Not since the deadly desert purple globule crisis of 2012, has an alien ooze made such news.
Nobody knows from whence this ooze hath come nor to wherece it might be going. So how will you survive should it ooze up from a street near youz?
SOS contacted esteemed Chinese oozologist Dr. P. Ooz for his super-ooze survival observations and suggestions in the case of the China ooze.
“My suggestions should be thought of more as hard and fast guidelines, not rules, at least until more is known about the alien being in question, ” writes Dr. P.Ooz in the preface to his opinion.
1. Judging by its pale complexion and the fact this alien would choose to ooze at night, we can infer the being is photo-phobic. Carry a reliable, portable light source with you at all time. Indeed your camera flash may be sufficient as this is the only known image of the ooze on record, we can conclude the flashing lights from the cameras and the police cars scared it away.
2. The ovular formation of the ooze leads me to believe this alien may in fact be female, an oocytic ooze, probably searching for a suitable egg repository. Observe in the photo, to whom has she chosen to reveal herself? Gentlemen, ask yourself, am I presenting as an overly attractive alien oocyte repository? Cover up! No open toe sandals like the guy in this photo. Put on a hat – or at least a good pair of headphones. Something that covers your inner ears. And don’t even think about relieving yourself outside unless you want to father an entirely new alien race here on earth.
3. Watch out for cracks in the road. Try not to step on them, roll over them or otherwise alert the being below to your presence. If you have to cross a crack, do it quickly and without making any noise or applying any weight to asphalt surface. In short, hover if you can. If you can’t – jump and hope for the best.
4. Stay on the bike! Judging by the empty e-bike in the photo, our oozy friend went for the rider, not the hardware. How long can you balance on your pedals without putting your foot down? I suggest that you practice.
5. Whatever you do, don’t touch it, feed it, attempt to brush your teeth with it or bathe your newborn baby in it. Sure it might seem like a good idea at the time, economical and entertaining but consider the case of the lady who collected the purple desert globs for her baby’s bath, only to discover too late she had a giant purple people eating baby on her hands…