Between dangerous Boxing Day sales and zombie mall Santas, it’s so easy to forget the real spirit of the season – that is, the spirits of the season. Unfortunately, these dark spirits will not forget about you. Did you decorate for survival?
Oldentimey survivors understood the dangers of these long, dark nights filled with fear of illness, bad sweaters and family ferment. Groaning, hungry, cold shadowy spirits who roam the dark land. It’s not just about Grinches and Grylas or Zwarte Pietes. We’re talking Night Runners, El Cucos, Yule Cats, Sandmen and Krampuses. Why else would we need so many bright lights and angels and miracles right now? That’s why a traditional tree is not just a convenient gift stand, it’s a trap for dangerous spirits.
Well Oldentimey folks knew this. They were the first understand the importance of a tasteful, in fact a downright tasty, Christmas tree. That’s right, forget about how it looks, your Christmas tree has to TASTE good. Because you use it to lure the spirits of darkness indoors with a happy green tree decked with edible.
Why would you want to lure spirits indoors, you may ask? It does seem counter-intuitive but believe it or not, it’s simple – a tree full of powerful, well-fed spirits is a tree full of happy spirits who will protect you and your family from all kinds of things, annoying Yule cats and Grinches for instance but more importantly, from other hungry spirits of darkness.
This is very important. Traditional decorations include nuts, apples, muffins, mashmallow or popcorn garlands and of course, long strips of bacon draped over the branches. In short, everything a spirit needs to stay warm and happy and out of trouble! Compare that to the Christmas trees of today. How many spirits will starve in those boughs, hung with glittering plastic balls and synthetic garlands? Do we really need to be reminded that any spirit with the MUNCHIES is a NASTY one? Take my word for it. Pop some corn, slap it on a string and get it up there *STAT!* Your family is depending on you. Better yet, break out some bacon and drape it over the branches. That will keep them busy longer. Where do you think tinsil comes from anyway?
Let me be clear. I am not saying you should abandon a defensive strategy of trapping the light in your Christmas tree branches. This is a sound strategy for some ie: survivors with a back up generator and/or a good fire extinguisher but if your tree depends on electricity alone, you are leaving your family undefended in the case of a power outage. Why not hedge your bets and arm your tree with some happy, well-fed spirits?
Take this advice and all should go smoothly. Spirits stay happy and fall asleep in the branches, the sun will return and we survive another Christmas like the triumphant seasonal survivors that we have always historically been.