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Spa Holidays On Mars Should You Book Yours Today

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Mineral springs discovered on Mars but should you book your Martian Spa Holiday today?

With the discovery of underground water flowing on Mars, the Internet is awash with reports of all the ways it will provide what you need for your future on the red planet.

But as you consider the epic announcements, SOS urges caution with one claim in particular – Martian spa holidays are mere decades away, book yours today! 

mars-water

“Thanks to the discovery of water, holidays on Mars are a certainty within mere decades,” writes David Baker, the editor of Spaceflight, and the author of the Haynes Workshop Manual to NASA Mars Rovers.

This report, which appeared in most mainstream media, endorsed by space tourism booster billionaires like Elon Musk and Richard Branson, has resulted in a pre-booking rush by survivors seeking a space spa experience in Martian mineral water.

Can a mineral soak on Mars make you look like Martian Matt Damon?
Martian actor Matt Damon’s mineral water secret

“Martian mineral water is the best,” said one such spa-seeker who jumped at the chance to pre-book. “Just look at Martian actor Matt Damon. Don’t you want to look like him?”

Actor Matt Damon has refused to deny the secret to his pumped Martian physique is due to regular use of its mineral spas but canny viewers of his new space survival show, The Martian all note –  the film works very hard to hide the existence of Martian waters.

“We just didn’t want the secret to come out yet,” Damon stated in defence of the film. “I mean, what if anyone could look like me? Even you, Seth?”

“I don’t need that kind of competition for lead roles. You think I want to go back to working in the fire opal mines?”

More Mars news here.

NEW PROOF FROM 67P COMETS ALIEN SPACECRAFT

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Lander Reports Comet 67P Sings, Smells Just Like a Bus

Is 67p a smelly interstellar transit vehicle?
Is 67p a smelly interstellar transit vehicle?

Survivors have been monitoring this one for years here on SOS but thanks to data from Philae Lander on Comet 67P, new clues confirm the truth that many comets are actually part of a massive interstellar space transit system maintained by aliens with advanced technology and a lazy janitorial staff.

Data from the lander has revealed that Comet 64P emits a strange singing signal and an even stranger smell of rotten eggs, urine, alcohol, and vinegar, smells typically associated by humans with poorly sanitized mass transit vehicles.

“Yeah that pretty much describes the smell on this bus,” said bus driver Edna Smith, hiding her suspiciously cold coffee flask. “I keep telling them to fire that cleaner but they just banned egg sandwiches instead.”

The outgassing smell from Comet 67-PEE was reportedly so bad that Philae Lander passed out and fell over last week. A charge that has offended many aliens hiding among us.

“You Earthlings always going on about smelly aliens when you can’t even go a three hours without a toilet, let alone cross an entire galaxy. Just try floating through the Milky Way and see how long you can hold it.”

As for the strange singing sound, Philae reported that Comet 67P emits a strange, song-like clicking noise just below the range of human hearing, a sound that has been described as a form of intelligent communication that may have actually been first detected almost 20 years ago.

According to alien watcher Scott Waring of UFO Sightings Daily, an anonymous email from a space agency whistle blower claims they knew about the signal two decades ago and that it is in fact the real reason behind the whole mission to Comet 67P.

‘Do not think for one moment that a space agency would suddenly decide to spend billions of dollars to build and send a spacecraft on a 12-year journey to simply take some close-up images of a randomly-picked-out comet floating in space.”

While most comets follow a predictable orbit, according to Waring’s whistle blower the singing, smelly comet 64/P has been observed to changing course, a behaviour that indicates route changes according to a changing delivery and drop schedule demanded by paying customers.

While the Internet continues to study Philae images for signs of machine-like parts on Comet 67P, none of this will come as a surprise to SOS readers. It does point to the need for extreme survivological caution if you have any interstellar transit plans for the coming holidays. No amount of hand sanitizer can protect you from the range of alien pathogens likely present on this ship. So pack a good space suit and consider wearing it throughout the whole trip. Or at least the gloves and good face mask.  And whatever you do, don’t bring egg salad.

Long may you keep on keeping on. Click here for past info about alien interstellar transit. 

Seth

Beware New Blob Monster on the Block aka How to Survive an Alien Ooze

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Ooze news from China this week, an alien ooze has made its first slimy slink on the surface of the Earth, breaking through the asphalt right in the middle of the road.

Alien Ooze appears in China on Monday
Alien ooze appears in China on Monday

Sources say this freaky ovular foam osmoted up from a crack in the middle of the road Monday night in the city of Nanjing, China.

Within a short time, the foamy foe had spread to 50 meters and stood a foot high, easily swallowing at least one biker before oozing its osmotic retreat when police arrived.

Not since the deadly desert purple globule crisis of 2012, has an alien ooze made such news.

Nobody knows from whence this ooze hath come nor to wherece it might be going. So how will you survive should it ooze up from a street near youz?

SOS contacted esteemed Chinese oozologist Dr. P. Ooz for his super-ooze survival observations and suggestions in the case of the China ooze.

“My suggestions should be thought of more as hard and fast guidelines, not rules, at least until more is known about the alien being in question, ” writes Dr. P.Ooz in the preface to his opinion.

Dr. P. Oooz’s Super-Ooze Survival

1. Judging by its pale complexion and the fact this alien would choose to ooze at night, we can infer the being is photo-phobic. Carry a reliable, portable light source with you at all time. Indeed your camera flash may be sufficient as this is the only known image of the ooze on record, we can conclude the flashing lights from the cameras and the police cars scared it away.

2. The ovular formation of the ooze leads me to believe this alien may in fact be female, an oocytic ooze, probably searching for a suitable egg repository. Observe in the photo, to whom has she chosen to reveal herself? Gentlemen, ask yourself, am I presenting as an overly attractive alien oocyte repository? Cover up! No open toe sandals like the guy in this photo. Put on a hat – or at least a good pair of headphones. Something that covers your inner ears. And don’t even think about relieving yourself outside unless you want to father an entirely new alien race here on earth.

3. Watch out for cracks in the road. Try not to step on them, roll over them or otherwise alert the being below to your presence. If you have to cross a crack, do it quickly and without making any noise or applying any weight to asphalt surface. In short, hover if you can. If you can’t – jump and hope for the best.

4. Stay on the bike! Judging by the empty e-bike in the photo, our oozy friend went for the rider, not the hardware. How long can you balance on your pedals without putting your foot down? I suggest that you practice.

5. Whatever you do, don’t touch it, feed it, attempt to brush your teeth with it or bathe your newborn baby in it. Sure it might seem like a good idea at the time, economical and entertaining but consider the case of the lady who collected the purple desert globs for her baby’s bath, only to discover too late she had a giant purple people eating baby on her hands…

Don't bathe in this...
Lady learns the hard way – don’t bathe your baby in oozes.

Did This Man Bring Down UFO?

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(SOS/ASAP/WTF) A controversial former UFO denier is finally coming clean. This retired Air Force Colonel, Richard French, finally admits his involvement in shooting down a UFO in Roswell, New Mexico.

But many aliens, including offended UFO pilots, are shooting down his story.

Man confesses to bringing down Roswell UFO with EMP. But is he talking trash? 

To summarize: Richard French said he was undergoing a test for the air force way back in 1947 when not one but two UFOs were spotted, within a few days of each other in Roswell, New Mexico. The first UFO was shot down by an experimental EMP weapon and a couple of days later, he says, another alien ship came around looking for the first one and also crashed.

Humans making fun of alien pilots?

French isn’t sure how the second UFO crashed, if it was also shot down or if it just experienced technical difficulties – but he is pretty sure why:

“We think that the reason they were in there at that time was to try and recover parts and any survivors of the first crash. I’m [referring to] the people from outer space — the guys whose UFO it was.”

Colonel French recalls seeing in photos that pieces of the downed ship had Arabic-style writing on it that looked like numbers.

Years later, in the fifties, Colonel French became part of Project Blue Book, his job to debunk UFO stories like the ones about the UFO crashes in Roswell.

“We gave our analysis and tried to debunk it by saying it was swamp fog or that the thing they saw was actually hanging on wires.”

So why the sudden change of heart? Read on…

Many insightful aliens including several here on this site whose comments you can read below, say Richard French’s story doesn’t fly. In fact, they are very offended.

UFO Pilots Association calls story provocative propaganda.

“What self-respecting UFO pilot – let alone TWO UFO pilots – could successfully navigate through space to this tiny, little blue planet, only to fall victim to scary 1940’s human technology. Think about it. We’re talking vacuum tubes and pocket calculators as big as gymnasiums. If I didn’t know better, I would say the humans are taunting us, trying to start a fight,” says one UFO Pilot.

As you will see in the comments below, his sentiments are clearly echoed by many survivors here. Is this retired Colonel talking trash in an effort to start that intergalactic war the economists have been asking for?

If so, he may have hit pay dirt on this one. Aliens are clearly irritated by this propaganda. There’s been a sudden and unexplained global onslaught of alien activity. Survival is currently over-run with reports from survivors are trickling in from around the globe.

Alien Economist Wants War

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(SOS/ASAP/WTF?) Why is this man, an economist, telling Earthlings to pick a big fight with the aliens, any aliens, as soon as possible? Find out here.

An SOS truer-than-true story in progress, 99.98% guaranteed…

Alien economist wants war with Earthlings

On TV this week, Nobel Prize winning alien economist Paul Krugman stated, “We need a good alien invasion for the fiscal stimulus – to end the recession.”

Mr. Krugman says if the aliens would just invade Earth, the recession could be over in as little as 18 months, the same way that World War 2 ended the last Great Recession 80 years ago.

He may have neglected to mention the fact that Earth itself could also be over in 18 months, but that isn’t stopping people from planning for the alien invasion today. Everyone, from aerospace engineers to politicians to courier drivers, is talking about the awesome benefits of provoking a war with the aliens.

For example, aerospace executive Carol Rosin is excited about the idea, saying that a good alien invasion would help create, “New roles for the military industrial complex, entrepreneurs, worldwide, with huge benefits and opportunities for ALL! Space travel, hotels, space hospitals, schools, labs, farms, industries — tech and info applied directly to solving urgent problems of human needs.”

And the state of Delaware has been actively pursuing an alien invasion for some time now. Remember how they appointed a Martian Ambassador earlier this year?

Even Ellie, the hairdresser who cut my hair this morning stated, “Well I guess maybe everyone would want to have nice hair for the end of the world? That would be okay. But do aliens have hair? I don’t know…”

Others have begun planning the best way to provoke an alien attack.

“I say we build a giant hand-shaped spaceship with the middle finger extended and just drive it around the galaxy,” said Kevin, grade 7. “Or maybe like, insult their moms. That always works.”

Is this madness? Or a sane plan to let the good times roll on earth again?

Would an alien war be good for earth?

Will E.T. Arrest NASA For Unpaid Parking Ticket?

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An SOS 99.98% True Story: An alien entrepreneur named Greg W. Nemitz is angry this week as NASA refuses to pay an overdue parking ticket for landing on his asteroid in 2001.

Alien Homesteader Gregory Nemitz Wants Nasa to Pay Parking

Gregory W. Nemitz claims that NASA parked a probe on his homestead, a near-Earth asteroid known as 433 Eros and now owes him over 10 years worth of parking fees.

“The prices are clearly posted… see? Right here,” said Mr. Nemitz pointing to a spot in the image.

Mr. Nemitz says he charges a very reasonable rate for parking on his potato-shaped homeland, just 20 cents a year.

“Parking on other asteroids can cost you and arm and a leg. Literally. On 2063 Bacchus they only accept arms and legs as payment.”

With NASA’s parking bill now over 20 dollars and 2012 budget cuts at NASA, will this irate alien come to collect on earth in the near future?

Worse will he hire an interplanetary collection crew to do it for him? If so, will they stop at twenty dollars?

The law in this area is far from clear. Earthlings who experience any unwanted contact with Extra-terrestrial debt collectors are advised to contact their nearest Space Lawyer, asap.