Between dangerous holiday shopping and zombie mall Santas it’s easy to forget the real threat lurking between you and all that Christmas turkey. Call it Winter Solstice or Alban Arthuan or Yule or just December 21 in the northern hemisphere, the darkest day of the year has come again and the stakes are historically high. Restless spirits must be calmed and the light must be cajoled back into the world with the correct use of fire and festive festoonery. Or we will be doomed by tradition to an entire year of utter darkness.
Ordinarily I take this day to plead with survivors for a return to traditional Christmas decorations, ie: substantial, meaty and edible. (Trim those trees with bacon if you know what’s good for you.) But more about that later. This year our longer days and the promise of summer is far from certain, threatened by other world events and reports from around the world.
Starting with Iceland. That crusty old Yule Cat is said to be particularly angry this year by a general dirth of new sweaters. Recall that Jólakötturinn, the Icelandic Yule Cat, attacks those who fail to don a brand new wool sweater today for yule, dragging them into darkness for crimes of fashion. Ordinarily Icelanders respond appropriately by knitting or at least buying, a brand new sweater to mark the date.
But owing to global circumstances this year, including the aggressive off-season activities of leprechauns, record numbers of people on earth will not be able to wear a new sweater on December 21. This does not bode well for our solstice survival!
Add to this, disturbing reports about the yule log. Authentic oak yule logs are being replaced in record numbers of homes this year by a flood of fake yule log videos on YouTube. The result of this massive digital experimentation has yet to be determined. Recall, an authentic yule log must be lit by a spark from last year’s log. How will this work with a video? Do you make a video of your old video?
Predictions from witches on this site are still coming in read about them here. So far she who goes by the name Bebe, predicts the artificial yule fires will be perfectly acceptable only as long as they are lit from a spark off the old log.
Meanwhile what’s a concerned survivor to do? Start by taking a page from the Oldentimers, who realized the value of effective festoonery. Those decorations are not just festive, they are a traditional trap for dangerous spirits. You use it to lure the spirits of darkness indoors with a happy green tree decked with substantial edibles. This is very important. Traditional decorations included nuts, apples, muffins and long strips of bacon draped over the branches. In short, everything a spirit needs to stay warm and happy and out of trouble! Compare that to the Christmas trees of today. How many spirits will starve in those boughs, hung with glittering plastic balls and synthetic garlands? Do we really need to be reminded that any spirit with the MUNCHIES is a NASTY one? Take my word for it. Pop some damn corn, slap it on a string and get it up there *STAT!* You family is depending on you. Better yet, break out some bacon and drape it over the branches. That will keep them busy longer. Where do you think tinsel comes from anyway?